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Shut Up And Listen 255

State Of The Union 2006

Every other year, I've written my column while watching the State of the Union address live. Even last year, when I had a Tuesday night class, I wrote it while watching the speech because Bush delivered it on a Monday or Wednesday (I can't remember which). This year, I once again had a Tuesday night class and was unable to watch it live and write about it as it happened. But, I won't let that stop me from writing my column about the speech. Sure, I haven't seen it, heard it or read it. In fact, my only exposure to what it contained comes from The Daily Show and The Colbert Réport. The hell with it, I go on anyways!

I imagine it all began with pundits speculating over what Bush would say, mostly pointing to the obvious things: terrorism, Iraq, the economy, the environment, maybe a bit about gay marriage, possibly something about the Supreme Court, a hint of Katrina/New Orleans talk, stuff like that. The major talking points. Did I miss any? And, of course, the goal is to both get his poll numbers up and lay the groundwork for the mid-term elections in November. Yawn.

This is interspersed with shots of various people filing in to see the speech and such. Oh look, it's Hillary Clinton! It's Ted Kennedy! It's Laura Bush! It's some random foreign guy whose name we barely know now but will become important in a scandal five months from now! Yawn.

Bush enters and there is applause. Much applause.

He begins his speech by saying that the state of the union is strong and there's tremendous applause. Most observers reflect that saying it wasn't strong would have been much more entertaining and, perhaps, more accurate. Seriously, who expects him to say otherwise? Fuck.

Then he launches into some stuff about why America is strong and is prevented from speaking much of the time by applause. I comment that it's not a speech so much as a blowjob.

He proceeds to outline various policy areas he wishes to address in the coming year and what he plans. Less dependency on foreign oil is one. More jobs is another. Helping out the small businessman is back for another verse. Fighting the insurgents in Iraq is a must! Democracy reigns supreme there! And, of course, his plans to bring back X number of troops by date Y. Insert applause every four lines. Insert sarcastic comments by me that take up a good two pages, including comments like "Wait, didn't he promise that last time?" and "Is he fucking stupid?"

Perhaps now, he delivers some sort of personal anecdote with which to inspire the nation. This usually takes the form of a small child or a working single mom or the parents of a soldier who died in Iraq but still believe it was right to go there. This year, I imagine it is someone Bush met in New Orleans who thinks the government did its best in aiding the people. Like always, I sit at home and wonder if the story has any basis in reality or is a complete fiction. I'll never know.

This leads into the summary that mirrors his introduction where he reiterates his main points and ends with him saying "God bless America" before stepping down to thunderous applause.

Cut to Wolf Blitzer and some other morons discussing what was just said, with one of them saying the speech was amazing and perfect, as if it came from the pen of God, while another expresses regret that Bush didn't mention this or give more attention to that.

Follow it all up with a lovely little look back by me where I bash the fuck out of him for giving, what I think, is a piece of shit speech that just confirms that he's an inbred retard and is going to doom the world to early destruction somehow.

Wow. I think that covers it all and without the bore of actually having to watch the speech. I may just have to do this every year from now on. I do wonder how accurate I was, though. Fuck. Maybe now I'll have to check it out. Dammit.