Shut Up And Listen 249

The Books I Read In 2005

Normally, I just do a year-end column on music, but I missed a week earlier this year and figured now would be a good time to play catch-up. I tend to keep a record of what books I read so when the inevitable threads on the message boards about what books we read over the year pop up, I can be completely accurate.

Despite the fact that comics or graphic novels or whatever you want to call them have become widely regarded and respected, my list only includes books--but that includes plays as they are sold as books. Basically, just the words minus the pictures. Instead of doing it in the order I read them, I did group some things together. It gives a rough idea of the order I read everything, but some things have been moved (mostly the Bret Easton Ellis books and the two groups of plays). So, here's what I read and finished this past year (there were a bunch of partially completed books, plus various readings for school in article or short story form).

Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis, Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis, Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis
When I think of Glamorama, the first thing that springs to mind is reading it on the bus after my second date with this girl. That was such a great day, bookended by this book. I read it while waiting for her to show up and then after parting ways. How fucked up is it to associate this book with a girl? I mean, I remember the scene I was reading on the bus and it was, like, hardcore sex. Like porn hardcore sex. It does kind of suck that my only sexual experience with that girl was reading a book after the date. Hell, did you know that the last time I saw her, we parted with a kiss and then a few days later gives me this whole thing about being more into girls? That's messed up. Actually, associating her with this book kind of fits. Fucked up book, fucked up bitch. Uh . . .

Anyways . . .

That was the first book I read this year. I got it for Christmas from my mom. I don't think she really knew anything about it, just grabbed whatever was on my list and in the store. The book is basically about a model slash nightclub owner slash actor who ends up getting into some weird international terrorist group headed up by models. It's pretty much like Zoolander as written by the guy who wrote American Psycho, actually. Pretty good read. I should also mention that earlier this month, I bought a hardcover first edition of it from my local library for two dollars. I was in there, killing time before catching a bus and they were having a book sale and that was the only book worth spending money on. So that means I've got an extra copy of it that I get to pass along to a friend. I always kind of like getting extra copies of stuff, because I like being able to just give them to a friend who will enjoy them. Fuck selling it on eBay. What, I need an extra four bucks? Fuck that. Just give it to a friend who will enjoy it. That's the right thing to do.

The other two, Less Than Zero and Lunar Park, I read in July and August. I read Less Than Zero because I was going to read all of Ellis' books before Lunar Park came out. I finished Less Than Zero in a day or two, but never got past page fifty of The Rules of Attraction. No idea why, just didn't. I won't go into detail about Lunar Park, because I've already written on it twice: once for this column and once for my school paper. The quick summary: I really liked it, a good mixture of fact and fiction, the most mainstream novel Ellis has produced and a good starting place for anyone who wants to give Ellis a shot.

The Ghost Sonata by August Strindberg, Six Characters in Search of an Author by Luigi Pirandello, Waiting For Godot by Samuel Beckett, The Chairs by Eugène Ionesco, Krapp's Last Tape by Samuel Beckett, A Slight Ache by Harold Pinter, Endgame by Samuel Beckett
The first stop on the "Shit Chad read for some class" ride. This is the stuff I read in the second semester of my Modern Drama course. The first semester was filled with Ibsen, Strindberg and Chekhov. The second semester began with a lot of Irish playwrights, but I skipped them. Their shit sounded like crap. For the most part, I read what seemed interesting and then, because we were given the final exam in advance, I read some stuff that I knew I needed to have read to do the final.

The Strindberg play was kind of weird . . . well, actually all of these plays are kind of weird. My favourite is the Pirandello one. It's about six characters that invade a play rehearsal looking for someone to write their play and perform it. Lots of solid metafiction, but combined with one fucked up plot about one fucked up family. Pretty entertaining.

And what can be said about Waiting For Godot? Read it for this class and another, which I love. It is fantastic when the same book is being done in two or more classes. It's like getting a freebie for a week or so. Plus, it seems that the books that always pop up in situations like this are good books. Last year, it was A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and this year it was Waiting For Godot. Forget all of the pretensions surrounding this play, it's just really entertaining.

The last bunch of plays, I read just for the exam. I don't even remember them that well.

Yvain, The Knight of the Lion by Chrétien de Troyes, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight
I read these for a half-year course on Arthurian legends that specialised in the medieval period. It was a special topics course that I took only because it was a second semester half-course that was in the same place and at the same time as the first semester special topics half-course I took on James Joyce's Ulysses. I really enjoyed that course (it also got me to read Dubliners, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and Ulysses--haven't read Finnegans Wake, though, as I got around five pages in and decided that I'm not ready yet). I wish I could say that enjoyed this half-course. It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that great either. A couple of the other things I had to read in this anthology were alright. These two poems, though, were not that good. It was my second time reading Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and I didn't like any better this time (although, I did understand it better). If I didn't have to read these for school, I wouldn't have.

High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
I read this in February. I bought it from the campus bookstore around Valentine's Day. Actually, I got it in the English courses section as there's a course that explores popculture stuff or adaptations or something like that. This was my second time reading this book. I read it the first time back in grade twelve, before seeing the film version. Actually, the film adaptation is my favourite movie and I started a tradition of watching it on Valentine's Day this past year. That's why I ended up buying and reading this.

I really enjoyed rereading it, but I've got to say that I prefer the movie. Yeah, it cut some stuff and changed other stuff, but I think it works a lot better. That isn't to say that the novel is bad by any means. It would probably end up ranking in my top ten favourite novels; it's just that the movie is better.

I think the best change the film makes is the fifth girl in Rob's list of top five break-ups. In the novel, the fifth one is an actual break-up that hurt (and the story is great), but the film's fifth one is a meaningless one that he was glad happened but he included just to bump his latest ex, Laura off of the list. That's a change that I think definitely works for the better. And that's what the film does throughout. It's one of the rare instances where I'll take the movie over the book (the only other that I can think of is maybe Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, which is an excellently done movie adapted from a fantastic novel by Hunter S. Thompson).

A History of the World in 10½ Chapters by Julian Barnes
I read this for my Twentieth-Century British Literature course. During the second semester of that course, this was the only novel I actually read. I read Waiting for Godot for this class as well as the Modern Drama one. This book is more like a collection of short stories that all run along a theme of Noah's ark or travelling on water or something than a novel. But, it's a pretty good read. It's one of those books that if I didn't have to read it for class, I'd probably read it for fun.

It's hard to remember what every story is about, or even how many stories there are. I do remember that the first was a look at Noah's ark from the point of view of some sort of worm. It's a really entertaining and funny story that turns the whole story on its ear. There's also one about a cruise ship that's hijacked and a writer who is forced to explain why to his fellow passengers. Or Julian Barnes' discussion of love (which was tainted by the revelation by my prof that he learned his wife was cheating on him by the person interviewing him on the radio live on the air--that's messed up).

The book gives a nice variety of stories, styles, themes and characters. Some stories are fantastic, some aren't. A good read.

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Okay, I didn't read this just this year. I began it last year and finished it this year. I read the majority of it this year, though. I can't remember what made me pick it back up, but I remember I blew through it. It is a damn good book, except for the epilogue. The epilogue is bullshit. It was unnecessary and obviously tacked on to make it more typical. I would tell you more, but I won't for two reasons: I don't want to spoil anything and I'm too lazy to hunt through that stack of books over there to find it, so I can get the Russian names right.

I don't agree with everything Dostoevsky did in this novel and I think some areas could have been cut without losing too much, but I also think those areas are kind of like the deleted scenes on DVDs. You understand why they were cut, but you can't help but think "Shit, those are really good and I wish they were in the movie." So, it's probably best they were left in. This is a solid character study of a murderer and deserves all of the praise it's gotten. It's the third Dostoevsky novel I've read and easily the best of the lot (the other two were Notes from the Underground and The Double).

I also read the first eighty or so pages of Devils (also known as Demons or The Possessed), but it just couldn't hold my interest. Way too much background. I'll probably give it another go sometime, as I also have The Idiot and The Brothers Karamazov (which I spelled correctly without looking--I had to check after and I am so impressed with myself).

The Joy of Writing by Pierre Berton
I believe I bought this on my twenty-first birthday in 2004, but I'm not exactly sure. I do remember I was just wandering around the campus bookstore and bought it just because. Every once in a while, I'll pick up books on writing so I can maybe soak up a little knowledge that will somehow make me a fantastic writer, but then don't read the books. I finally read this one for some reason. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe because it seemed very conversational and not too heavy. Or maybe it was because Pierre Berton had just died (I think).

The book is part how to write, part literary memoir. Berton uses stories from his past to help guide you. He freely admits that the book is aimed more towards how to write non-fiction, because that was his specialty, but some tips work just in general. I think the biggest thing I took from this book was that I have no ambition to write serious non-fiction because it requires far too much research.

Star Trek: New Frontier Book One: House of Cards by Peter David, Star Trek: New Frontier Book Two: Into the Void by Peter David, Star Trek: New Frontier Book Three: The Two-Front War by Peter David, Star Trek: New Frontier Book Four: End Game by Peter David
And now we briefly venture into the geeky soul of our author . . .

I wanted something quick and light, so I reread the four books that began Peter David's Star Trek: New Frontier book series. Each book is in the 175-200 page range basically and takes maybe two hours at the most to read, usually a lot less. I've been a fan of this series for a long while, but haven't been keeping up. That's mostly because I read it through the library and it wasn't keeping up. At some point, I'll probably buy the rest of the series and spend a few weeks reading it all.

I've ranted about this to many people, but why the fuck haven't they adapted this series for TV? How the fuck could they make that piece of shit Enterprise when they had New Frontier just sitting on the bookshelf? This is, by far, the best Trek ever. The only thing that comes close is the Dominion War stuff on Deep Space Nine. I mean, here you have a captain that makes Kirk look like a crying schoolgirl! You have a security chief that could destroy a ship with his bare hands! You have a hermaphrodite chief engineer!

The basic plot is that a huge empire has been overthrown and the Federation sends a ship in to help rebuild and keep the peace, and fucked up shit happens. My favourite scene comes over the third and fourth books where the ship picks up passengers of a crippled ship and then comes across a planet that offers those people a place to live. The captain has a feeling that this isn't a good idea and tells them so. Of course, they accept the offer and the government of the planet immediately turns around and holds them ransom for Federation technology. The captain says no and then fires torpedoes at the capital city in response. The government laughs at this, saying they are all underground and he'll be killing innocent people. His crew is shitting themselves, but he's a cold motherfucker. Until the torpedoes get a few miles above the city and he detonates them. The head of the government gloats that the captain is weak . . . that is, until he broadcasts the entire exchange to the populace of the planet and the government is violently overthrown. That's messed up.

Seriously, why hasn't anyone in charge of the Star Trek franchise approached HBO with this? It would be a hit. I guarantee it.

Eisner/Miller by Will Eisner and Frank Miller (with Charles Brownstein)
Over a year after it was scheduled to come out, this fantastic collection of discussions between comic legends Will Eisner and Frank Miller finally appeared this year. The recently departed Will Eisner is one of the names in comics despite the fact that he never really worked on any of the mainstream superhero characters. He began back in the forties with The Spirit, a strip for newspapers that is still highly acclaimed as being creatively groundbreaking, not just with story but style and form. He went on to be one of the pioneers of the graphic novel and kept working until he died earlier this year. Frank Miller is best known for his work on Daredevil back in the early eighties, The Dark Knight Returns in the mid eighties and then his Sin City series of graphic novels that have been going on for the better part of fifteen or so years. Some of you may have seen the movie adaptation of three of those stories earlier this year (which, incidentally, I got a chance to see at an advance screening, which rocked). So, needless to say, we're talking about two of the biggies talking about comics and it's great.

This is another one that I read pretty much in a day, but it wasn't too difficult. The most interesting parts, for me, were the discussions about how each man approaches comics and creating them. The stories they each told are great too. A must have for anyone who wants to have anything to do with the comics industry.

Mr. Phillips by John Lanchester
I basically lucked into this book. I'm a member of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Book Club, and every once in a while, I'll get e-mail offers from it. One day, I got an offer where if I bought one of the books listed from the club, I would get a mainstream book for free. I thought an edition of The War of the Worlds looked interesting as it looks at the lives of HG Wells and Orson Welles, has the novel and the story of Welles' broadcast along with a transcript, and a CD that has that broadcast plus other stuff. Seemed like a cool book, so I had the science fiction portion of the order. What was left was my free book and the pickings were slim. Luckily, Mr. Phillips by John Lanchester was one of the selections and it was the only one that looked remotely interesting.

The book is a character study of Mr. Phillips, a middle-aged British man who spends the day wandering through London because he's afraid to tell his wife he was fired from his job. We follow him from the time he gets up until he returns home. It is a very compelling look into this guy as we go through his morning routine, watch as he encounters various weirdoes, has lunch with one of his sons, goes to a porno theatre, and helps an old lady with her groceries. Not much actually happens, but it's a damn good novel and well worth checking out sometime.

Shakey: Neil Young's Biography by Jimmy McDonough
Okay, I'm one of those people who when I get interested in a musician, I try and find out as much about him or her as possible. Well, now I know a hell of a lot about Neil Young.

Bought this on the same day that I bought On the Beach by Young. Got it in Chapters totally by chance. I was just wandering around looking for something to buy and it caught my eye through chance in the biography section. I immediately grabbed it and decided to buy it. I could tell my mom thought I was a little strange for buying a bio of Neil Young (and also knew that I would probably spend the next few weeks randomly telling her things about him that she had no interest in . . . sorry, mom).

I must say, this is a solid read. One of the better bios I've read. It's written from a very personal perspective, but also hits on events as objectively as possible. The balance between the two is nice. Although, the only weakness I find is McDonough's insistence on telling us what he thinks of every album whenever they come up. What I find especially funny is that he doesn't seem to like anything Young has done since 1979 (and even then, I'm not sure he was really into it). He struggles at times to explain what Young intended to do while telling us how he failed miserably. That does create an interesting dynamic, though.

Actually, part of this book where CDs are brought up and how they can't capture the sound the way vinyl did made me bring up my mom's record player one day and listen to some stuff on it (Led Zeppelin IV, Crime of the Century and Breakfast in America by Supertramp, Hotel California by the Eagles, and an Elton John greatest hits album). Well, I've got to say that that is bullshit. Apparently what they mean by presence is static and that sucks. I'm sorry, but it does. Vinyl sucks.

The Tempest by William Shakespeare, As You Like It by William Shakespeare, The Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare, Much Ado about Nothing by William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare, The Winter's Tale by William Shakespeare
I wanted to avoid the Shakespeare class. I was doing so well, too. Finished three years of university without having to take it. And then I became an editor at the paper and wanted to keep my days as clear as possible. I wasn't even going to take this class, I was going to take two 400-level half-courses that were on Wednesday night at seven. But, for some reason, the registration wouldn't let me sign up for those courses (it did let me sign up for 400-level poli-sci courses, though) and I was stuck taking this for the entire year on Tuesday night at seven. Lucky me.

It hasn't been too bad and, so far, it's the only course I've done in university where I've read everything. In the first semester, we had to read six plays, along with another play for the essay. Hell, that means I've read more than the required reading really. And, honestly, they haven't been that bad.

The first semester focused mostly on comedies and the best one has to be Measure for Measure. Now, there's one messed up play. Basically, the Duke leaves town, puts Angelo in charge who arrests and sentences Claudio to death for impregnating Juliet, so Lucio gets Isabella, Claudio's sister, who is about to become a nun to come back and plead on her brother's behalf to Angelo, who tells Isabella that he will pardon Claudio is she has sex with him, so the Duke, disguised as a friar, arranges for Mariana to pretend to be Isabella and have sex with Angelo because she was supposed to marry him until her dowry sank with a ship and he called it off, except Angelo doesn't pardon Claudio after having sex with Marian who he thinks was Isabella, so the Duke arranges for another man to take Claudio's place and hides Claudio until the final scene when he reveals himself, forces Angelo to marry Mariana, Claudio to marry Juliet, sentences Lucio to marry a prostitute and then be killed for impregnating said prostitute and badmouthing the Duke, and proposes to Isabella whose response we never hear. Holy shit that's fucked up.

One thing I have learned, though, is that Shakespeare is a fan of comedies that rely on men dressing up as women or women dressing up as men. Seems every comedy had that.

Sadly, next semester focuses on tragedies more, including the Shakespeare play I hate the most: Romeo and Juliet. I think what annoys me the most is the fact that everyone calls it a love story. It's not. It's two teenagers in lust who are told they can't see one another, so, of course, see one another. It's rebellion and sex with the two of them thinking it's love because they're too young and stupid to know better. Christ.

A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter M. Miller, Jr.
I read this for an online half-course in science fiction literature. It was the only novel I read for that course. I began a couple of others, but didn't get very far. I pretty much coasted my way through the two essays and final exam on the short stories. I read around a dozen or so of them. The course, as a whole, kind of sucked, but it was also my lowest priority this semester. I mean, for the second essay, I read the stories that night, wrote it that night (while taking breaks for new episodes of South Park and Curb Your Enthusiasm) and handed it in at 11:59 pm. Literally the last minute. I'm taking the complimentary fantasy course online this upcoming semester.

The novel, though, was quite interesting. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic society that was caused by a nuclear war during the Cold War. It focuses on a monastery in this world that tries to find and keep alive as much knowledge from before the devastation. It follows it through three time periods: one very much like the time of Christ, another like the Renaissance and another in the future (well, it's all in the future, but you know what I mean). It's a novel about faith and science and the cyclical nature of society. Of the stupidity of people to learn from the past. In some parts, it's very boring, but as a whole, it's quite good.

Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman
I wrote a review of this as well, so I won't discuss it in detail. I wasn't sure if I would buy this book, but I got it from the sci-fi book club for cheap. Blew through it in a few days. It's a fun little read, but the last third of it is a mess. Just endless coincidences that build to an obvious ending. Wait for the paperback.

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto by Chuck Klosterman
I've been a fan of Klosterman for a while. I only knew his work from Spin magazine where he does a monthly column (it was "Rant and Roll Over," a column about whatever music related, but now it's "My Back Pages" and about a particular back issue of Spin--needless to say, I prefer the old column). I also knew about this book, but not that he had done it up until sometime. I don't know when I put the two together exactly. Anyways, I bought this on a Thursday and finished it on the Friday. It's a collection of essays on popculture. The first one is my favourite and is about how movies and TV have ruined love for us because real relationships can never measure up to what's on the screen. Another one I really enjoyed was examining the so-called media bias (basically, it comes down to timing more often than not), but that's probably because I agree with it, having seen a little bit how news stories are done at The Gazette. But, instead of discussing the book at length, I plan to reproduce part of it without permission.

In between essays, Klosterman includes little interludes and one is a list of questions. I am going to give you this interlude with my answers to each question. I had some fun asking various people these questions and debating the answers. Here it is:

The twenty-three questions I ask everything in order to decide if I can really love them:

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure a bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in score and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein? My answer: No.

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that--for some reason--every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this? My answer: Yes, I would.

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select? My answer: Hitler's skull.

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders? My answer: Yes, but under the condition that it only plays for the Raiders.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every tune will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chairs. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sign to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you). Would you swallow the pill? My answer: No. And if this person is really my soul mate, she would understand completely.

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR. Would you still do this? My answer: Yes, I would.

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happening on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week. You are the front-page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story? My answer: Sasquatch. It is both a monster story and an American story, therefore containing the major element of the other two.

8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy." Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual? My answer: No, it wouldn't be.

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man). Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book? My answer: It would not affect the likelihood of me reading this book. Commercial success with shit reviews? I would avoid that shit no matter what.

10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City: "You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart's Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to "Barracuda." Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art? My answer: The opening riff to "Barracuda."

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theatre. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational sense that--somewhere--your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill. Would you immediately exist the theatre, or would you finish watching the movie? My answer: I would finish watching the movie.

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though--you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one jump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard? My answer: $33.11.

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honour. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly. What do you talk about? My answer: The strangeness of a banquet where I am the only guest and the high quality of the food.

14. For reason that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realise the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves). This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature? My answer: Insulting, but only because it hits so close to home.

15. You have a brain tumour. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumour would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks. How do you spend the next fourteen days? My answer: I would spend the first ten days or so trying to get as much writing done as possible. Just get it all out there and catalogue it. I would get my affairs in order as well. Then I would spend a day or two finding a girl to have lots of sex with and doing so. Then I would say my final goodbyes to friends and family and kill myself. Fuck THAT shit.

16. Someone builds an optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it's essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that--for some unknown reason--you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed. The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing you inevitable future, do you now watch it? My answer: Fuck no.

17. You are sitting in am empty bar (in a town you've never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. "Be careful of that guy," you are told. "He is a man with a past." A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. "Be careful of that guy, too," he says. "He is a man with no past." Which of these two people do you trust less? My answer: The man with no past.

18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon. Which option do you select? My answer: Europe.

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don't kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can't tell them why. Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack? My answer: It seemed like it would be a funny thing to do.

20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorised movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as "brutally honest and relentlessly fair." Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produce a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalised account, but audiences love it. Which film would you be most interested in seeing? My answer: The documentary.

21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will be reexperiencing your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you've learned from having lived your life previously. Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)? My answer: Earlier by around six or seven years, I imagine.

22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumours circulating in the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumour is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumour is completely true, but most people don't believe it. The second rumour is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumour is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual. Which of these two rumours is most troubling to you? My answer: The second one.

23. Consider this possibility: a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter. b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like. c. Now, imagine that this person--the unfamous John Ritter--is a character in a situation comedy. d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father. e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about your life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life. How would you feel about this? My answer: I would feel alright. Probably better than my dad and my life.

I am Alive and You are Dead: A Journey into the Mind of Philip K. Dick by Emmanuel Carrère
I got this at the same time I got the Klosterman book. I've been a fan of Dick's writing for a while and this book looked interesting. It's a bio that focuses on Dick and what was going on in his mind. As a result, it is questionable, but entertaining. It did highlight the importance of a few of his books (that I've already read) in Dick's mind. It gave me a general idea of his life and the various things he went through. I'll probably check out some other bios at some point in order to crosscheck certain facts.

As well, when a couple of shipments arrive next week, I will have a five-volume set that contains all of his short stories. And in January, I plan to order almost all of his books in one go from Amazon.ca for around $440. That's thirty novels. I already own five and there are around ten or eleven more that are out of print. That's a huge volume of work. Especially since most of it was done in the early part of his career. Hell, the first four volumes of his short stories basically cover a time before his first novel.

The Secret Mulroney Tapes: Unguarded Confessions of a Prime Minister by Peter C. Newman
See last week's column.

The Polysyllabic Spree by Nick Hornby
I got this for Christmas and read it that day. It's a collection of columns Hornby wrote for a literary magazine, Believer on the books he bought and the books he read that month. It shows the difference between what we intend to do and what we get done pretty well. It's an entertaining read, even if he discusses stuff you haven't read. I mean, I haven't read most of the books he talks about, but it was a great book. A quick read at around 140 pages. The only place where I really disagree with him is when he praises Dickens. I've never really gotten on board with Dickens' writing. But, then again, what high school student likes his work? I may have to give it another shot sometime. Incidentally, this was the third Nick Hornby book that I read in a day (the other two were About a Boy and How to be Good).

And that's it for 2005. I've been reading some Philip K. Dick and Hunter Thompson since the Hornby book, but haven't really been reading with any real passion. Another lull. It happens. See you next year.