Shut Up And Listen 245

Motherfuck Brad Meltzer. Motherfuck that asshole in the ear. That fucking bastard ruined any chance of me ever being a mainstream comic book writer. He didn't mean to do that, I know, but he did. Well, maybe not ruined, but certainly made more difficult. You see, he made the publication of my 96-page Superman graphic novel "Black Hole Sun" a reality that will never come to pass when he had the Justice League mindwipe Batman in Identity Crisis and fuck him for doing so.

I'm slightly ashamed to admit this, but "Black Hole Sun" is one of the best pieces of work I've ever done. I wrote it in the summer of 2001 or 2002 (I can't remember which) for a fan fiction writing contest on a message board. The first thing I wrote was an X-Men ten-page short story that I'm still particularly fond of (and former Wildstorm editor and current cool writer John Layman said was good when he agreed to critique a piece of my writing--I still have that e-mail),but I was bored, so I began a Superman story. Then it got away from me and I ended up writing a 96-page story (six 15-page chapters and a six-page epilogue). What makes it worse is that it's a period story (in between JLA #4 and 5, around the same time you'd estimate Earth 2 took place). What makes it ever more worse is that it involves some experimental visual techniques. And what makes it totally unpublishable is the fact that in the end, the JLA erase Lex Luthor's memory because he has learned all of their secret identities.

Now, because of Identity Crisis, they would never think to publish that. Not because it would be wrong to have a story where the JLA does that, but because it would contradict what they've published, especially since my story would take place before Identity Crisis and thus make every reaction to that stuff seem very questionable.

(Okay, at this point I have to recognise that the story could suck. It most likely wouldn't have been published anyways. There's a very good chance I will never be a professional comic writer for reasons of a lack of talent and the right opportunities to showcase my talent if it even exists. I mean, that's life. But shut up, that ruins this column, you bastard.)

Hell, I think Identity Crisis is wrong and my story is right. If you read it, you see they have no other option than to do what they've done. They don't like it and it fucks up Superman something fierce, but it's how they would really react.

And that's my main problem: I think of these characters in terms of real people, not fictional characters. I have a bunch of ideas for these character in a file on my laptop and most of them begin with something like "Forget how other writers did this, they were Wrong. This is the Right way to portray _____." The best example of this is the Martian Manhunter. There has only been one case where that character has been portrayed even close to what I would consider accurate and that was in JLA: Earth 2. I suspect the way he's shown is how Morrison would have liked to always portray him (and it was hinted at throughout his run on the book), but couldn't because, well, it doesn't fit with the way he has been portrayed.

Put simply: the Martian Manhunter is above every other character in the DCU because he can do anything and be anything. He's a shapeshifter, for fuck's sake! If he wants to make his brain bigger and more complex, he can just make it happen (JLA #11 shows this). He can make turn his skin into diamond that gives you orgasms if you lick it. He can become omnipotent and omniscient if he really wants to. Morrison knew this and if you don't believe me, check out his speech to Ultraman in Earth 2. I remember reading that and going, "Hell yes! About time!"

But, there's a problem: the Martian Manhunter is a B-list character. He can't be more powerful than Superman. He can't be smarter than Batman. He can't be . . . well, more something than Wonder Woman. He's a secondary character and therefore gets crapped on despite the fact that he's obviously far superior to everyone else. Some people disagree with me, but, fuck them, they're wrong.

This is why I will never write any of these books. They're not books of realism and logic, they're fucking superhero comic books. All that matters is a good story and maintaining the brand, not what makes sense. But I can't do that, because, at the end of the day, Batman wouldn't have gave two shits about mindwiping Dr. Light: his only limit is killing. He's not a pussy like Superman.