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Shut Up And Listen 244

Monday Night At The Strip Club

Written in the summer and based mostly on a real experience. Not that well written or anything, but it has its moments. Enjoy.

_For Anna and Yomo, the pervs

Osborn really didn't want to be at the strip club. There were millions of other places that he would rather be, but his friends insisted. He had thought that they were just going to get some all-they-could-eat wings at Fighting Jimmy's and then maybe go hang out at Steve's place or something. Sadly, between the two was Almost Famous, and they had outvoted him on going in. He had an ally in Bruce's girlfriend, but that still left Steve, Bruce, Zach, and Zach's girlfriend all wanting to go in. When Osborn protested, Zach had asked, "What're you, gay?" That shut Osborn up.

Inside the club, it was dark, especially because of the sunglasses Osborn was wearing. He had left his regular glasses in Bruce's car, so it was either wear the sunglasses or not see. He was sorely tempted to take them off. The club was dark and mostly empty, and no one was on any of the stages. Osborn was the second one in, right behind Zach, and the bouncer was checking IDs. After they passed the bouncer, everyone seemed to wanted to linger by the door for some reason until Steve just walk right in and everyone followed. They sat at a table near the stage, and a couple of them got up to get drinks.

Osborn felt really self-conscious sitting there, and looked down at the table. It was black and really just a regular table. There was a little cardboard cut-out promoting various theme nights the club had. Osborn figured that Monday's theme was death because that's what the club had seemed to succumb to. None of them had asked if he wanted something to drink, because they knew he didn't drink. He didn't understand the obsession with alcohol that the adult world had. He always felt slightly out of synch because of his sober ways. Mandy, Zach's girlfriend, leaned over and said to him that he really should just relax and have fun. He smiled weakly, trying to make the effort, but he knew he wouldn't.

After a few minutes, a girl came onstage and began to dance or strip or entertain, whatever word they liked to use. She looked to be in her late twenties and reminded Osborn of the kind of girls you would see in Guns N Roses or Poison videos. She had on black panties of some kind and a white t-shirt. He didn't find her all that attractive or sexy, and felt uncomfortable sitting there. She wasn't particularly good at what she did. She just walked back and forth and touched herself and tried to be sexy, and failed at it. When the song changed, she took off her shirt and her breasts were maybe a b-cup. They just looked so typical of something he could have found online without trying. He looked away a lot and tried to listen to one of the conversations going on around him, but couldn't hear them that well because of the music. When the song changed again, she took off her panties and he was surprised to see that her pubic hair was intact, albeit trimmed down. The lights began to strobe and began to annoy him. He stared at the table again, wondering how long they were going to stay.

Eventually, she left the stage and it stayed empty for five minutes. Bruce's girlfriend, Eve began talking to Osborn around that time. She wondered aloud about the sanitary conditions of the pole onstage and other various little tidbits. He was amused, but didn't respond much.

The next girl came on when "Mr. Soul" by Buffalo Springfield came on, but Osborn thinks it's the Rolling Stones at first before realising his mistake. The choice of music surprised Osborn and he decided to pay attention a little, thinking that perhaps it had been chosen for a reason. This one had dark hair and was wearing a bra and panties. She also seemed to be in her late twenties and not that attractive. Osborn had once heard that the only real difference between strippers and hookers were that strippers were hot, and felt a little let down. Zach leaned over and promised for the second time that he'd buy Osborn a lap dance sometime that night despite Osborn's protests that he don't. And the stripper took off her bra and her breasts were bigger than the previous stripper's. She squeezed them and tugged at the nipples, but it was too forced and fake. When she removed her panties, she also had pubic hair, and, also, a tattoo that Osborn couldn't quite make out above and to the left of her pussy. That completed the whole unsexy package.

What was more was that for the past twenty minutes or so, Osborn had felt a rising need to use the washroom. Apparently, the all-you-could-eat chicken wings weren't agreeing with his system. At first, he tried to ignore it and hoped it would just go away, but that was looking like less and less an option. He hated to have to use the washroom at the strip club, but there wasn't much else to be done. He leaned forward and asked if anyone knew where the bathroom was. Most of them just shrugged, but Bruce pointed towards one of the corners, thinking it might be over there. Osborn said thanks and got up, heading towards that corner and found that Bruce had been right.

Inside the bathroom, he found that the lock did not work on any of the three stalls' doors. One was at least able to stay shut if pushed hard enough, so he went with that one. Normally, in situations where his system was this urgent, he would instinctively fight against it, but in this instance, he actually pushed, hoping to get it over with as soon as possible. The discomfort coming from his ass couldn't match the discomfort of using a strip club's bathroom. After a minute or two, someone else came in and Osborn froze. He waited until the other person had left before finishing. He looked at his watch as he washed his hands and noticed he'd been in there for around three minutes. He feared that his friends would think that he had been doing something else entirely in there.

He sat back down at the table and no one really seemed to notice. The same girl was still onstage and was spreading his legs right towards them. This was only the second nude woman Osborn had ever seen in real life. The first was the first stripper. He didn't feel a real reason to reveal that to anyone present, and stared at the table again.

Zach and Mandy were a little too drunk by then and a little handsy. Osborn felt really embarrassed to be seen with them. How pathetic was making out at a strip club? He could see that Eve, Bruce and Steve all were thinking the same thing. No one did anything to stop them.

The girl onstage finally left and walked right past their table, not seeming to care that she was completely naked. Osborn really couldn't understand how any of this was meant to be sexy at all. He looked around and noticed that some sort of sex magazine was free if he wanted it. One of the TVs was on, as well, tuned into a beauty pageant, strangely enough. Osborn wondered again when they would be leaving.

His mind wandered to Kelly, wondering what she was doing right then. Earlier, before they had went in, Zach had asked, "Are you going to tell your bitch about this?" Osborn had just glared at him, hating when he called Kelly that, but also because he didn't know. This wasn't the sort of thing she would approve of, so he didn't know if he would tell her or not. He didn't exactly have to tell her since they weren't exclusive or anything. However, he didn't want her to hear about it at a later date somehow. He figured he'd mention it in his next e-mail and point out several times how it wasn't his idea and he needed the ride home. Besides, he wouldn't have to lie about not enjoying it . . .

The third woman of the night came on while "Turn The Page" by Bob Seger played. That just seemed too cliché for Osborn not to laugh aloud. His friends looked at him, not knowing why he'd laughed, but he didn't explain. What was the point? This third one kind of resembled the first one and he looked over at Eve, who was looking at the stage. What did she see in Bruce, really? Osborn liked Bruce and wouldn't know Eve if it weren't for him, but come on. He suddenly thought of Kelly again and felt a little guilty, and went back to looking at the stripper.

He felt stupid in his sunglasses and wished he had grabbed his regular glasses before going into Fighting Jimmy's. He thought people might think he was trying to be cool when really he just wanted to see. He knew he wasn't cool. Would a cool person be sitting in a strip club on a Monday night wishing they were anywhere else?

Why were the strippers so unattractive? He might not have minded the place so much if the women were at least fun to watch. Or maybe if they were, he would have felt more self-conscious and not watched them at all. There was just something about the whole idea of a strip club that didn't sit well with him. He was just glad that they didn't have to tip the strippers.

Zach and Mandy had stopped with their embarrassing behaviour when he got up to get them some more drinks. As he passed Osborn, he leaned in and asked, "You sure you don't want something, man?" Osborn just shrugged and Zach left. Osborn noticed then that Mandy didn't seem to be wearing a bra.

This stripper actually worked the pole a little, swinging around it and wrapping herself around it, turning upside down. She also had pubic hair. The fact that they all had pubic hair struck Osborn as very odd and unlikely. None had a huge amount, always neatly trimmed, but still . . . He thought it sucked that these were the first naked women he'd seen in real life. It sucked a lot.

From the private areas where lap dances were given, a woman walked out dressed like a schoolgirl and she was actually kind of attractive. It may have been the outfit though. Osborn wished she'd go on next maybe, but she didn't.

Zach returned and set a beer down in front of Osborn, who just looked at it in amazement. Zach laughed and said, "Don't worry, it's really for Mandy, you pussy," and then slid it over to her. She laughed as well and Osborn couldn't help but stare at her chest as she did so. He usually avoided checking out his friends' girlfriends, but maybe the atmosphere was getting to him. Luckily, with his sunglasses, no one really knew where he was looking.

His stomach/bowels were still kind of bothering him, but in a way where he knew he could wait a few hours. He had relieved most of the problem before, but would feel uncomfortable for the rest of the night most likely. The music that was playing was something loud and shitty and seemed to suit the strip club. The place had filled up a bit, mostly with middle age men who Osborn couldn't imagine ever having sex with anything. He wondered how many were married and what their wives were doing right then. He also wondered how much under-the-table prostitution might be going on in the club. Did the owner pressure girls to push for "full service" more? Was that the secret lifeblood of the place?

He stared at the table again, trying to actively look bored, signalling that maybe they'd been there long enough. He checked his watch and noticed it'd been almost an hour. That was almost an hour longer than he'd wanted to spend in a strip club. The girl on stage was fondling herself in front of the mirror. Did she get turned on by watching herself? The mirror went all along the wall and Osborn leaned back in his chair, looking at his reflection. Something about it seemed unreal. He watched the lights reflect off his sunglasses and he thought about how he didn't want to be there and all of the pathetic losers who were there and about Kelly and how she wasn't there and how that girl onstage had parents somewhere who once wanted a lot more for her than to be pitied by some twenty-two year old on a Monday night.

It all seemed clichéd to him. Eve made some more observations then and Osborn laughed even though he couldn't really hear her. He kind of wished that he drank because then maybe he wouldn't be so acutely aware of where he was. Or at least then he may not care. He leaned forward and looked down at the table. The others all seemed to be having fun.

A shooter girl came by the table with her little tray of vials filled with various combinations of liquor. Osborn wondered if they bought those vials from the same place high schools did for science classes. Zach and her discussed the various flavours, and he decided to get the one that she really didn't recommend because it apparently wasn't very good. Osborn watched with mild curiosity as Zach downed it, then made a face that showed he should have listened to the shooter girl. Bruce, Mandy and Steve all bought some shooters themselves, and the girl sat down.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm from town, I just graduated last fall, but I'm leaving in the fall, I can't stand the winters here. They're just, like, way too cold. I cannot stay here for another one. I need to be somewhere warm and sunny," she said. Osborn kept mentally willing her to leave, so then maybe then they could leave or at least just so he wouldn't feel like he was losing brain cells listening to her. He knew it would just get worse.

A girl he'd had class with a year or two back had said she'd worked as a shooter girl over the summer, and how the job sucked. How the guys would assume that because it's a strip club that the shooter girls were meant to lose their clothes too and were just real assholes. The tips were great, though. Osborn didn't find this shooter girl all that attractive.

"Ohmygawd, this past winter!" she yelled and then paused, and Osborn couldn't tell why. Then she continued, "It was just, so, like, so fucking cold! I had to keep shovelling my driveway because our landlord was a lazy asshole and wouldn't do it for us, and there's no way I'm spending another winter doing that. No way."

Zach and Bruce nodded, while Osborn just stared. He had his head facing away though and just shifted his eyes. He didn't want to start anything, because the shooter girl seemed like someone who would get all offended and start something.

"So, do you guys all go to school in town?" she asked. They all nodded and each told her what they were taking because she insisted upon asking them all. Another girl was onstage and "If I Had My Way" by Big Sugar was playing. This one was Asian of some sort, but seemed to have semi-large breasts, another surprise to Osborn. Like the others, though, she wasn't that attractive. He wondered if maybe there wasn't wrong with them and instead he was purposely making himself not attracted to them. Was he not have a good time on purpose?

He received his answer in the form of that shrill voice saying "I just cannot stand the cold!" At one point, she had revealed that she was from town, so just when it looked like she was going to leave, Steve asked her what high school she went to. Osborn and Steve were both from town, but Osborn couldn't believe that Steve had just asked. She was almost gone and Steve had fucked it up. She said some high school, one that neither Steve nor Osborn had gone to, and he told where he'd gone and Osborn stared at the table some more.

Eventually, she left and a few minutes later, it was suggested that it was time they left. Osborn just nodded and stood up, leading the way. He walked straight out of the club and into the cool night air. He always liked being out on the street in the night. Maybe it made him feel like a grown-up or something. He waited for the others and soon thereafter, they came out and they all stood there, not knowing quite what to do next. Steve said he'd just walk home, since it was only five minutes away. Osborn was put in charge of driving everyone else home in Bruce's car since he was the only one who hadn't drank.

As they walked back to Bruce's car, Zach put an arm around Osborn and said, "Hey, man, sorry about not buying you a lap dance. I was gonna, but those chicks were all ugly and shit. I'm not wasting my money on ugly chicks."

"Yeah. Don't worry about it," Osborn replied. "I didn't want one anyways." He didn't really talk to anyone else until they reached the car. Bruce tossed him the keys and everyone got in. Eve sat in the front with Osborn and the other three got in back. Osborn switched his glasses, so he could see better. He also asked them to pass up his bag, so he could grab his CD wallet and he stuck in lloR N kcoR by Ryan Adams. He didn't really feel like talking, so he turned it up pretty loud.

First to be dropped off were Zach and Mandy. They were talking loudly in the back seat, but Osborn just sang along to the CD. Eve was looking out the window, not saying anything. The streets weren't deserted but they weren't busy either. Bruce leaned up and asked Osborn what the CD was and mistook his answer for Bryan Adams, laughing at the shitty choice in music. Osborn didn't correct him.

He just felt tired. Not in an asleep kind of way, just fatigued. They dropped off Zach and Mandy, who stumbled out of the car and kept waving goodbye. Osborn said that he'd drop Bruce and Eve off, and then bring Bruce his car back the next day, which seemed to be fine. At a red light, Osborn looked over at Eve and didn't exactly want her, but wanted someone and thought about Kelly again. Why did she have to be away for the summer? He still wasn't sure if he would tell her about the strip club.

"You gonna tell . . . what's her name?" Eve asked out of the blue.

"Kelly," Osborn said.

She nodded, "Yeah, her."

He sighed, "Do you think I should?"

She shrugged.

"Well, I think I should," he said. "I guess."

She smiled and didn't say anything else.

After he'd dropped them off, Osborn drove straight home. He turned the music up even louder and sang along. It was a nice night and part of him wished that he'd never quite make it home. But, he did. When he entered the apartment, he looked at the clock, and it said 12:37. He had to be up in less than seven hours to go to work. He decided to go online for a while before going to bed. He wrote Kelly an e-mail like he would have anyways. He mentioned the strip club, but pointed out just how much fun he didn't have and stole some of Eve's observations about the conditions of the place. He was worried that it might lead to some sort of fight, but when she replied a day or two later, she didn't even mention it. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.