Shut Up And Listen 237

If you've known me for a little bit, you've probably come to the conclusion that I am an asshole. What degree of asshole really depends on how long you've known me. I've been an asshole for quite some time now. I don't know exactly when it happened, but it did. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say sometime in high school. I entered it a genuinely nice kid and left it a total fucking asshole of a man. The sad thing is, I think I may have cultivated this trait. I may have grabbed onto it and tried my best to embrace it. This especially sucks since I don't like being an asshole.

The most acute symptoms of my assholeness are extreme sarcasm, a slight case of rudeness, an overwhelmingly strong sense of honesty, and this weird arrogance that comes and goes by switching places with a lovely sort of self-loathing. There's also some fun know-it-all tendencies in there, especially in this weird self-conscious manner I have of knowing exactly what the fuck all my little shitty personality traits are. And, I think that self-consciousness could be the thing that annoys me the most.

Oh, I could live with being an asshole. Lots of people are assholes and they get along in the world just fine. What kills me is the fact that nine times out of ten, I know I'm being an asshole and can't do anything to stop it. So, basically, if I'm being an asshole to you, odds are, I'm being an asshole to myself. How fucked up is that?

Of course, there must be a part of me that actually likes this behaviour. I mean, why else would I do it? Hell, I can look to various influences where I picked up all of those traits. Let's see, for the record, I can attribute this behaviour to: Calvin & Hobbes, Warren Ellis, Larry David, Hunter S. Thompson, Andy Kaufman, Quentin Tarantino, High Fidelity, Kevin Smith, Mark Leyner, plus a shitload of other things that I just can't think of right now. We can't really blame these things for my behaviour, but each and every one of them is also responsible in some way. See behaviour, admire behaviour, copy behaviour. It's a very funny thing. I hate referencing this stuff, though, as it's essentially me taking a op out of blaming others, even if it is just attributing some form of responsibility to them.

But, it was ultimately my decision to admire these things and subconsciously choose to pattern myself, so it is my fault. I can also point to my solitary, anti-social lifestyle as stunting my social growth, which explains why I'm often so fucking stupid in what I say and do. We can also throw in my large internet usage where, at some point, people were entertained by my asshole behaviour and encouraged me to continue it. Little to no physical social contact combined with non-physical social contact that reinforces this behaviour . . . I never stood a chance, did I?

But, these are all cop outs as well, aren't they? The basic point I'm trying to make is that even though all of these contributed, it was my decision to act this way. I am an asshole because I want to be an asshole. The real question is why do I want to be an asshole despite the fact that I know I don't want to be an asshole?

Maybe if I act a certain way that provides me with an excuse as to why I don't have a lot of friends or a girlfriend or shit like that. That makes a lot of sense. Maybe I think being an asshole is the personality that a wannabe writer slash academic twerp should have? That makes a little less sense, but still seems valid. Maybe I really just don't like people and this is my way of making sure I don't have to deal with them. It could be a screening process, so that the only people I'm surrounded by are ones that I think are actually worth knowing because they put up with my asshole behaviour. Hell, it could be a nice combination of all of these reasons plus or minus some others that I don't know about.

God, this is fucked up, isn't it? I could go on for days about this shit, delving deeper and deeper into my own psyche in search of why I act the way I do. Will that actually solve anything? If you believe in the theory that to stop behaving in a certain way, you have to figure out why you behave that way, then it obviously will. Luckily, I don't. That's the sort of belief that allows therapists to spend fifteen years on the same patient without actually making things better. The best way to stop being an asshole is to stop being an asshole.

Therein lies the problem. How does one just stop acting in a way that they've acted for years? How do you retrain yourself to react in a completely different manner than you normally would? Well, for me, it's resulted in me beginning to say things and then suddenly deteriorating into a mumbling where I chastise myself for beginning to say something that is an asshole thing to say. It is quite a sight to see. I go from asshole to mental patient in no time. But, I am trying to change. It may be slow goings. It may be gradual. It may just be that once a day I don't do something that I normally do. But, I am trying.

In the course of this effort, I have asked myself a question: do I really want to change? Do I really want to just cut out certain aspects of my personality because others find them distasteful sometimes? I mean, let's look at some of the problematic personality traits I have.

First up, there's sarcasm. I love sarcasm. I love it when people use it and I find it quite funny. So, getting rid of that would be kind of stupid, eh?

Second, there's rudeness. Actually, I may take issue with this. I find that I'm actually quite polite. I can be a little abrupt or say something that's a little too familiar, but rude is too broad a term. The way I'd describe my rudeness is the way Larry David is rude. It's a not following of certain social conventions that I just don't think make sense. Sometimes, a willingness to say things that are completely honest, but just not seen as being totally polite.

Which brings us to our third symptom, honesty. Fuck you, so what if I'm honest? So what if I'm completely brutal in my honesty? I was always taught that honesty is a good thing. From the day we're born, we're told over and over again that honesty is good, lying is bad. And then suddenly, you become an adult and you're told that, well, honesty is nice, it's not always the preferred way to go. Being honest isn't always nice. You need to learn selective honesty. Bullshit. You know what, I may have a thin skin sometimes, but I would always rather hear the truth than have my feelings spared. People have told me I'm an asshole and it hurt my feelings, but I'm glad they did it. The truth can be painful, but fuck it, it's the truth. Besides, it's not like I always say everything I think. It only seems that way because I think of a shitload of things and actually only say a small percentage of them.

Last of all, there's the arrogance mixed with self-loathing. Okay, I can't really defend this beyond the fact that it's honest. When I'm arrogant, it's because there's facts to back me up that I have reason to be. Same with self-loathing. Always a reason. Doesn't make any less annoying, but . . .

So, in one sense, these characteristics are all negatives, but in another, they're either justified or not that bad. Hell, one of them is a virtue. Given that, should I even change?

Then there's the fact that by changing, it doesn't mean I need to eliminate any of these traits altogether, just regulate them. Pick and choose when the best time to show them is. Maybe that's what it's all about.

But, then again, I must ask: why is me being an asshole such a problem? There are a shitload of assholes out there and they continue to be assholes and lead lovely lives. Me, though? I'm an asshole and I spend all afternoon writing a goddamn column about it that doesn't actually solve anything. All this has done has shown that I'm also obsessive and read way too much into things.

I'm an asshole and I really have no idea what to think about it.