Shut Up And Listen 233

Next week, I'll be entering my fourth and final year of university and I'm not sure what to think. It's just the typical bullshit people feel at times like this. Conflicting emotions about the end of this journey, the beginning of another, yadda, yadda, yadda. So, bear with me as I retread ground that everyone has before.

My main concern, I suppose is just that I don't want to do the work. Fuck, all of that goddamn reading and all of those fucking essays! I just don't want to have to do it all. Because I'm in English and political science, that's all we do: read and write, read and write, read and write. It just gets tiring. Not to mention the fact that I'm taking a couple of 400-level classes in poli-sci, which means huge essays involving lots and lots of research. But, I knew what I was getting myself into and I always dread that aspect, so let's just push on right past this superficial concern.

Next is the coupling of the previous with the fact that this year I'm an Arts & Entertainment editor at my school's student newspaper, The Gazette. Just going through those standard "I'm a fraud, the whole thing is going to suck because of me" doubts. Also, just trying to mentally juggle the work there and my school shit worries me. No doubt, though, I'll do fine, so steady on . . .

Then there's the sheer panic that I only have a year left. Just this year! Then, I'm out into the real world. Oh, of course, I can continue on in my studies (which is looking more and more to be the best option), but even that is stepping it up a bit. This is my final year to live the life I lead. One devoid of most responsibilities, one where buying a CD or DVD isn't something I agonise over because if I need some extra cash, my parents are always there (although, for the record, I've rarely called on them for money and any time I have, I've always paid it back despite my mom's protests). None of my usual go to bed at four, wake up at two antics. Gotta be responsible and respectable. A fine member of the community. A contributing member of society. Oh god just kill me now.

And to think this is what I've been working towards my entire life. Everything in my life has been leading straight to this point. I've known what I wanted to do since I was in grade ten. Decided right then and there that I wanted to be a writer, but that I'd go to university and take English and political science as a back-up (plus, to learn some cool shit that would make me an even better writer). Ever since then, I've just been moving towards right here and now that I'm here . . .

A week or two ago, I found out one of my best friends from high school is engaged. We still talk on MSN from time to time, but we don't hang out anymore really, but still, it's weird. I mean, he was just like me basically. Both total geeks who couldn't get a date to save their life and here he is getting married, and all I could think is "Isn't he a little young?" The idea scares the shit out of me and it's another one of those things I've been working towards my entire life. I've always thought I'd end up married with kids and now I'm actually at an age where that's happening. I've known some other people from high school who have tied the knot, but this is Matt! This is the guy I used to sit with in the cafeteria and play cards with or talk about how girls didn't like us or the new episode of The Simpsons. And he's going to be some woman's husband (I also went to school with his fiancée, but we were never really friends and those two didn't become romantically involved until around a year ago).

So that's me right now. I'm sure everyone has been here. Sorry for being so self-involved and pitying. Next week, things will be better. Won't they?