Shut Up And Listen 209

Online Dating

Originally, I was going to write my column not just about my experiences with online dating, but also discuss and criticise some various sites that I've been to, but I'm actually doing that in an article for the school paper this week. So, my column this week will focus on various things I've learned in the form of helpful tips.

Tip 1: Be honest

This means be honest in your profile and be honest when talking to someone. Firstly, honesty in your profile will make sure the other person will know who they're going to be talking to. It allows for an instant judgement without a confrontation. You read the profile and if it doesn't sound like someone you're interested in, you can move on without having to tell someone that.

When talking, again, just be honest because otherwise when you meet and things progress you'll have less problems. This doesn't mean be insanely honest. Use your judgement, obviously, but don't lie. Just don't tell too much truth right away. It's tempting, I know, online because it's more relaxed than in person, but treat it as such.

Also, if things don't seem to be working out, tell the other person. It is so easy to just block them or stop replying, but tell them. It's the decent thing to do.

Tip 2: Don't be too judgemental

It's easy to find reasons why you don't like someone, but you've got to resist that sometimes. Because it's online some things come out wrong. If the other person says something that you find offensive or unappealing, but it could be ambiguous, just ask for clarification. I know myself that I am a very sarcastic guy and that doesn't always come across in online conversations, so I usually make sure they know that I'm joking or at least tell them to ask if they ever wonder.

Especially don't be so judgemental about pictures you see. We all know how shitty pictures can be when compared to the person in real life. We all have pictures of us that suck and some people just aren't very photogenic. But also, if they have what seems to be a great personality and you have a lot in common, fuck it, just talk to them. Don't be so fucking superficial.

Tip 3: The phone call is a must

This may just be my paranoia, but I find that a phone call before meeting is a reassuring thing. It gives you a chance to get a better sense of the person and to see if they have been being honest (well, to an extent). It's just reassuring to hear that there is a voice attached to this person you've been talking to online.

Tip 4: Don't wait too long before meeting

Some people think you should wait a while before meeting, but that doesn't work. If you wait too long, you'll get to know the other person so well that the first meeting will feel more like your fifth date than your first. On one level, you'll feel like old friends, but on another, you're two people who just met, and that can make things a little more complicated when relating to stuff like a first kiss. I mean, you feel like you know the other person so well that you almost feel like just a kiss isn't enough, in a strange way.

If you feel like you should talk for a certain amount of time before meeting, just think about this: how long or well have you known most people you go out for coffee with? It might just be someone you've talked to in a class a few times for five minutes each time. You can get to know someone pretty fast online, so don't feel like you need to wait a long time. That's also why I suggest a phone call before meeting, just because of that reassurance that's absent because there's no actual, physical person there.

And that's it. That's all my wisdom. Some of it may seem obvious, but this is just stuff I've learned--or what I've found works. I cannot stress that last one enough, actually, as that seems to be the most common idea attached to online dating. Mostly, though, it's about what feels right and comfortable. Trust your instincts and don't think about what you think you should be doing.