Shut Up And Listen 208

Random Religious Shit (Yes, Again)

What better way to end my fourth year of writing this column than with another column on religion?

Inescapable Superstitions

Do you know what I, Chad Nevett the staunch non-believer do when I first go outside at night? I look up at the sky and look for a star. When I see my first star, I think to myself "Starlight, star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight" and then I make a wish. It was something I was taught as a kid and haven't been able to stop doing. I'm not even conscious of it until partway through usually. It's a reflex. It's night, so maybe I should just look up and see if there are any stars in the sky and if I see one, maybe I should just do that stupid little rhyme and make a wish. It's weird and never works.

I find myself every once in a while talking to a higher being. I don't believe in one, but I'll have little rants or discussions at it in my head. Another carryover from childhood. I don't believe in one, but I was put in such a habit of thinking one is there that I can't escape it. It annoys me.

And then there's my inability to make decisions, so I leave it up to random chance in the form of a coin. Oh, this one is all me, no blaming childhood here. I don't really believe in the coin as a way to really decide anything as it's been proven wrong too many times, but it's nice to have something to blame should things go wrong, you know? If I want to ask a girl out, but am afraid of rejection, why I can just flip the coin and if it comes up with an indication that I should, then if she says no, it's the coin's fault. Fucking coin.

I've been thinking about these three things and what they could mean lately. The first two are obviously indications of the lasting effect things can have from childhood and the third is just a psychological desire to avoid responsibility for my actions. But still, I can't help but wonder if there's something more. Like a specific inborn need. The kind that many, many, many people seem to have and fulfill through religion.

But then again, none of these things ever work or satisfy me at all, so maybe it is just what I said they are combined with an overactive brain that seeks out things to keep it occupied.

If I Was Pope . . .

A couple of weeks back on a message board I frequent, there was a discussion that was about what if a poster there was Pope, and I joined in and offered some suggestions as, well, when you grow up Catholic, you think of shit like this. People seemed to like some of my ideas, so in an effort to fill some space, here are the top ten things I would do if I was made Pope.

10) Have Vatican City declare war on Luxemburg.

9) Skip mass and when anyone makes a stink say "I'm the fucking Pope and I think I'm going to Heaven no matter what!"

8) Switch the Pope hat with Iron Man's golden helmet that looks like a bucket.

7) Call myself Pope Fuck You.

6) Allow priests to get married . . . but only to other priests.

5) Decree that masses must be said in pig Latin.

4) Tell random people they're going to Hell.

3) Sit on St. Peter's throne where the Pope is infallible and declare there is no god just to blow people's minds.

2) Make it so "Stairway To Heaven" is an official hymn and must end all masses.

1) Change communion from unleavened bread wafers to ribs, so that whole "body of Christ" thing is really fucking creepy.

So, when the next election for Pope happens, don't forget to vote for me via write-in . . . heh.