Shut Up And Listen 176

Democratic National Convention 2004

Wednesday: Kill The Media, The Original King Of Comedy, Mister VP-To-Maybe And Oh God, Please Kill Me

I had planned to follow-up last week's column on Bush with another one this week where I would discuss what I like about him. That will have to wait until next week, I guess, because of the Democrat's convention in Boston.

I've avoided watching stuff on the convention until today because I can't be bothered with the bullshit build-up. I'm interested in what Kerry and Edwards have to say, rather than the party and its masturbatory rituals. I was just "treated" to an interview with Elizabeth Edwards, wife of John Edwards and her mostly talking about having their children with them on the campaign trail. She basically flat-out said that part of the reason the two kids are out there with them is to show off Edwards as a family man. You know, political tools. She should have played up the fact that the kids are four and six and that having them on the campaign trail is more about staying close with the kids rather than almost coming right and saying that they're there to drum up votes.

. . . and fuck it. Goddamn, I hate this bullshit! The media should be killed. I was just subjected to a mind-numbing argument between Carville and Novak about how some senator criticising Schindler's List is somehow related to stem cell research. What the fuck? And the commercials are all for telecommunication laws and oil. American media should be killed.

I'm waiting on Edwards' speech, but now Sharpton is on and just went on a rant about forty acres and a mule. I don't understand people's love of him. Well, beyond just a joke. There are moments when he actually resembles a coherent speaker, but then he just goes off on these weird tangents that either leave you scratching your head or laughing your ass off. For me, it's usually the latter. They could stick his speeches on a CD and market it as a comedy album. HA! He was supposed to speak for six minutes and spoke for twenty. I almost wish he'd somehow won the nomination just so I could see him and Bush debate. That would be the highlight of my political-watching life.

Sometime soon, the Edwards' oldest daughter, Kate should be coming onstage to introduce her mother who will come out to introduce her husband. You heard me. Odd stuff. Personally, I'd rather they actually get to the fucking point. At least I get to see Joe Lieberman before that starts and Wolf Blitzer and his two lackeys ask him some almost tough questions about whether or not Lieberman actually belongs in the party. This is something I've always questioned as it seems on every issue the guy agrees with the Republicans rather than his own party. Hell, he's saying the same shit that the Republicans talk about with regards to "the mainstream" and how Kerry and Edwards need to get in it. The guy should be a Republican.

And Kate Edwards has arrived to much applause. Seven seconds in and I've rolled my eyes twice. I can't argue with an adult child wanting to help out their parents, but something about the children of politicians being used in politics in any way just makes me uneasy. I'm not sure what the point of this speech is beyond useless bullshit. She's selling us her mom basically. I wonder how much of the speech was known to Elizabeth Edwards beforehand? Hell, I wonder if Kate Edwards actually had a hand in writing it.

Elizabeth has taken the stage and started her speech in the same stupid way Kate did: "I'm (insert first name) Edwards and I'm the proud (insert role) of (inserts first name(s)) Edwards." It's a nice speech in that way speeches are nice. It promotes Kerry and Edwards while making reference to various key words and phrases that talk about America in general, but also in specifics that apply to them. Definitely a well-prepared, very smart speech. She's selling her husband the way her daughter sold her. That's the strategy, isn't it? Get the young, attractive woman to sell the housewife who sells the young candidate with energy who will now sell us on the Democrat's choice for president. Kind of a follow the leader game.

John Edwards really does look like a creepy politician, doesn't he? Many have said this, but he's a double of The Smiler from Transmetropolitan by Ellis and Robertson. Earlier in the day, CNN had a poll going on whether Edwards should promote Kerry or attack Bush. As if it's an either or kind of thing. If he's smart, he'll do both. Now, shush, the applause is dying down and the man is about to speak . . .

He just has that politician look when he stares out over the crowd. That look in his eyes that scares me. You have to see it to really know what I'm talking about, but it's a look that kind of says, "Fuck yeah, I am great!" and at the same time says, "I own you!" It's weird. It's a sort of arrogance that comes with being up in front of thousands of people who shout your name and applaud for minutes.

The speech is very well-constructed, much like the two before it. He's hitting all the points: loves his wife, loves his kids, loves his parents who taught him all his values, thinks Kerry is the right man to lead the country because he fought in Vietnam, those Republicans are taking the low road with negative attacks (is there such thing as a positive attack?), he's the son of a mill worker so he's really just like an average person, he's spent his life fighting for the little guy against the big bullies of the world and he's willing to keep on fighting for the little guy with John Kerry, healthcare is good, education is good, money is good, "your agenda is our agenda", tax cuts for the rich are bad especially when those rich people outsource jobs, technology and innovation are good, dignity is good, hard work is good, tax credits up to a thousand dollars are good, ones for up to four thousand for college are better, poverty is bad and wrong, raising the minimum wage is good, "not in our America!", one America is better than two Americas, racism is bad, gotta be strong and united because of the war, September 11 sucked ass, the war on terrorism is good, safety is good, gotta reform intelligence in less than three years, listening to commissions is good, allies are good, strengthening security is good, a strong military is good, terrorists are assholes who will be destroyed, Kerry fought in a war so he knows the score, death is bad, the American military rules, soldiers dying really sucks ass, soldiers are heroes and we love them very much, John Kerry understands that so he rocks, taking care of them is good because they took care of us, stretching the military thin is no good, John Kerry fought for America, investing in the military is good and strong, enemies are bad, America kicks ass in wars motherfuckers!, NATO and the UN are good, the Iraqi people are good (mostly), peace in the Middle East (especially a secure Israel) is good, terrorists with WMDs suck huge ass, credibility is good, loopholes are no good, rogue nations are bad, safety is good, respecting America is imperative, America fucking rules!, seriously it does, respecting America leads to safety, sappy stories created for this speech but based on reality maybe are good, soldiers are not alone, "hope is on the way", "hope is on the way!", "HOPE IS ON THE WAY!" (say it with me), being inspired is good, Americans are superior to all, everything is possible in America, but don't look down on anybody, join them in creating one America, "thank you, God bless you and God bless The United States Of America."

I feel goddamn inspired, don't you? Kill me, please.

Thursday: Fuck It All, I'm Only Watching Kerry's Speech, Dammit!

It's around twenty after four on Thursday afternoon and instead of watching CNN I'm listening to the new Hives album for about the twenty-seventh time in the past week. Fuck the DNC, it's a bunch of bullshit (something I keep saying, I know) and I fear for my mental health if I watch much more. I'm going to watch Kerry's speech tonight and give a nice rundown on it the way I did Edwards', but that's it. The only coverage I want to watch is that of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart. They have the right attitude to cover this sort of thing. Maybe if Hunter Thompson came out and covered it, I'd pay attention to that as well, but otherwise, fuck it. Things like this need to be seen from an outsider perspective that can illuminate at how fucking stupid and absurd it is, and make these people feel shame for their behaviour. Because they should feel shame. And if you can't see that, there's something seriously wrong with you.

And here it is five hours later, but it's just another paragraph to you, isn't it? Weird business that. The Kerry sisters just finished their build-up for the man of the hour, but instead of him appearing, we're all treated to a nice little video on John Kerry's life narrated by Morgan Freeman and littered with heart-warming video clips and interview soundbytes. It's interesting in the way people address questions about a politician when they're on the stump. All of a sudden, people were very noticeable and wise way back when and always saw those qualities that the politician wishes to make known now. That could say more about the way I see things than how others really do, I suppose. The video is now over. It was pretty good. Effective, I think. Presented in such a way where there is very little an opponent could argue with. A lot of highly objective facts or highly personal, subjective facts that outsiders couldn't refute. But then again, that's the way to do it, isn't it?

Of course, we get a lovely shitty break where we get to hear the intellectual musings of CNN's people. Yay.

The men who served with Kerry in Vietnam are coming onstage now. Definitely been playing up the Vietnam angle, which I'm not sure is a smart move or not. There's a fine line between stating one's past and such, and coming across as so blatantly obvious in what your political agenda is. And the man speaking just told us that he wasn't asked to join the campaign, he volunteered. Gotta make sure that's out there. It's just a bunch of standard "we know Kerry from the war", "he's a great guy", "saved my life" kind of thing. The same stuff we just saw on the video they showed ten minutes earlier. In fact, this same guy said the same shit in that video. Except the introduction of Max Cleland, a senator from Georgia (I believe that's how you spell his last name, I'm sorry if it isn't) who is telling a story about Vietnam, being injured and meeting John Kerry. Tonight is more insane than last night. We had the Heinz brothers introducing the Kerry sisters introducing the video, which led into the soldiers, who introduced Cleland, who I think is going to introduce Kerry. He might not though. He might introduce someone else. I've changed the channel to The Comedy Network, which is airing footage from some of the Just For Laughs festivals in Montreal. I flip back every thirty seconds or so to see if Kerry is there. I'll begin the next paragraph when he does in fact show up and start spewing crap.

Five minutes later . . . John Kerry is compared to Paul Revere (and that's the last name my spell check gives me, so apologies again if I got a name wrong) and then makes his way to the stage with shitty rock music playing. Despite the cynicism, I kind of like Kerry. He doesn't quite have the same politician look that Edwards has. He seems more genuinely happy than arrogant. But I am cynical and critical, so I don't believe it for a second, because he is a politician and need I say more?

Here is his speech, in condensed, minus bullshit form: (firstly, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention how the crowd chanting "Kerry" sounds very much like an audience chanting "Jerry" on a certain show) "I'm John Kerry and I'm reporting for duty", they love America, a strong America is good, as is respect from others, he is home, thanks for welcoming him home, his parents being dead sucks but they taught him stuff that was good so don't be too sad, his dad served in World War II, born in the west wing of the hospital, his mom rocked, "trees as the cathedrals of nature", sexual equality is good, his dad rocked too, communism was bad, pride in America is good, winning World War II and winning the Cold War was good, JFK rocked, rights are good, "We believed we could change the world and you know what? We did!", changing the world is good, the truth is good and you should tell the truth, trust and credibility in the White House are good things, his record is good, John McCain is kind of cool, peace in Vietnam is good, lying and corruption fucking suck and he don't play that game, the constitution fucking rocks!, terrorism is bad, the middle class is shrinking, poverty is bad, outsourcing is bad, "there is nothing more pessimistic than saying American can't do better", doing better is good, optimism is good, the future is great!, Bill Clinton and his Democrats rocked the hiz-ouse!, Boston rules because liberty was born there apparently, he accepts the nomination on behalf of a bunch of people who need his help, John Edwards is the American Dream and he fucking rocks, Edwards is a son of a mill worker, Dick Cheney sucks huge ass, his wife is great and is the next First Lady, he loves his children, he loves his "band of brothers", they love America, his opponents in the primaries were good people, unity is good, September 11 sucked ass, firefighters and rescue workers rule, hanging a flag is the epitome of patriotism, Bush got everyone's support and then fucked things up big time, everything isn't black and white, the mission isn't accomplished, hard questions and hard evidence are good, facts are good, don't go to war because you want to but because you have to, he knows what war is like because he fought in Vietnam and because of that he knows how to finish the job, protecting the American people and its values is a good reason to fight, a plan for winning the peace is a good idea to have before starting a war, risk is bad, Bush sucks ass, seriously he really sucks ass, "I defended this country as a young man and I will defend it as President", you slap him and he'll bitch-slap you back, "Help is on the way!", fight smart and effective instead of not fighting like that, "strength is more than tough words", terrorists suck!, America rules!, freedom instead of fear, homeland security is good, the 9/11 commission was pretty smart, patriotism doesn't mean just acting stupid and believing everything Bush says while humping the flag, he fought for that flag, that flag belongs to the American people, values are good, slogans are bad, actions are more important than words, families are good, tax cuts for Enron are bad, drug companies make enough money, privatization is bad, seniors deserve their medicine, Bush doesn't value families, shared values are really good, sending jobs overseas is really bad, "Help is on the way!", "Help is on the way!", "HELP IS ON THE WAY!" (say that one with me too), "America can do better and help is on the way!", the middle class needs help, their economic plan is built on helping the average person, American workers are just as good as everyone else, fiscal responsibility is good, the deficit is bad, corporate welfare is very fucking bad, tax cuts for the middle class and those tax cuts for the wealthy are going to get repealed, education is good, sending kids to college is better than sending them to prison, healthcare is good, low drug prices are good (especially well sold from Canada), everybody gets politician-quality healthcare, healthcare is a right for everyone, being dependent on Mid-East oil is very bad, ingenuity and innovation is great, the Saudi royal family can kiss his ass, alternative fuels are worth pursuing, go to www.johnkerry.com to learn more about the specifics details of his plans, to Bush: stop fucking things up you dumb fuck, the high road is better than the low road, ideas over attacks, division is bad, unity is good, faith and religion are good, "I don't want to claim God is on our side", American values should be above religious values, America rocks, stem cell research is good, he learned about American values in Vietnam, everyone is in the same boat, America should move forward, "Thank you, goodnight, God bless you and God bless The United States Of America", (cue U2 and applause).

Actually pretty damn good, if you ask me. I'm actually beginning to really like this guy.

Friday: Another Daily Show! YAY!

Tonight, there's another episode of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart and they'll be talking about Kerry's speech. Finally, Friday night doesn't suck ass. Tomorrow, I'll look back and give my final thoughts.

Saturday: Bomb The Conventions!

Looking back, I see nothing good except for Al Sharpton. Gotta love that man. As for the rest, the world would be much better if someone with access to high-tech weapons took it upon themselves to bomb these conventions on the final night when everyone is there and essentially wipe these parties out, along with most of the media. Sure, people will die, but the world would be a much better place. I wish I had some wiser, more profound thoughts on the subject, but thoughts like that don't mingle with that stage-managed bullshit. Especially when conveyed by "journalists" who have a collective IQ of about four. Bring on the Republicans. Oh god.