The Best Of Shut Up And Listen Year Three 6--Column 147
I'll probably run this column again in late October, because I stand by it a lot and don't think I can say it any better than I did here. So, I'll just shut up and encourage you to read it again, especially if you're an American. And I urge you to take it very seriously.
A Memo From Canada
Okay, forget what I said last week about Bush winning. I was out of my fucking head. The motherfucker is gonna lose and you Americans out there damn well better make it happen. The world can't take another four years of that dumbass, okay? And yeah, I'm stressing the world can't, because American voters have to think about the world and not just themselves. You guys all pride yourself on being "the greatest and most powerful nation on Earth", right? Well, that label carries with it certain responsibilities, and one of them is that when you elect a leader, guess what, it doesn't happen in a fucking vacuum where only your punk-ass country is affected! When you elect a fucking leader, it affects the whole goddamn world, so start acting like it! You want to be the biggest and the best start acting like it! When you vote for someone, ask yourself, "Should this guy be the most powerful person in the world?" Seriously ask yourself that question. Think about it long and hard. And if you answer "yes" in the case of President George Bush The Second then I'm sorry, but you are a fucking retard. This isn't an opinion call by any means, it is fucking fact. George fucking Bush is not the best person to be president of shit let alone the United States of America.
First off, the guy is a moron. He is a stupid fucking person. What proof? I have not just one, but two daily calendars (well, weekends are put together, so six quotes a week) filled with stupid things he has said in public. In public! We're not talking about shit you say in private with friends, we're talking about stupid things he has said to people holding cameras and microphones. And not just a few, but approximately 624 stupid things. Six hundred and twenty-four. Think about that for a second. Six hundred and twenty-four idiotic things said on record. I'm sorry, but that many fuck-ups can't just be "making an honest mistake" or whatever bullshit line people like to throw around when it comes to him. No, that many stupid things should tell you something: HE'S A STUPID PERSON AND HE SHOULD NOT BE IN CHARGE OF THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE WORLD! I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you people? Are you stupid too? Since when did being smart become a bad thing? I know when I vote, try and pick someone who has a good chance of not being a complete fucking moron. I want a person who can actually get out a sentence without justifying British people making fun of North Americans' grasp of the English language. There's being human and making mistakes, and then there's being an outright fool. If knew Bush personally, he'd be the guy in the gang you all make fun of for being so stupid. Sure, he may be a fun guy to hang around with and you like him, but he's stupid. He's the Kelso of the group is what he is.
When you vote for George Bush, you are voting for Kelso. (Oh, and for those who are not aware, the Kelso reference pertains to the TV show That 70s Show, which is about a group of teenagers in the late-seventies in a small Wisconsin town. One of the characters, Michael Kelso, played by Ashton Kutcher, is the "dumb guy" of the group and he is who I'm comparing Bush to. He's well-liked by his friends and is basically a good guy, but is just so fucking stupid. I'm sorry to say, but that's your current President. You guys elected Kelso. Morons.)
Secondly, the guy has lied to you. He has. These weren't "intelligence mistakes" as the intelligence communities keep on saying that they didn't say that shit Bush said. And maybe Bush himself didn't know the shit he was saying were lies, I'll concede. But, the people giving him his speeches and advising him did, and let me ask you something: do you think those people have been fired? No, they haven't. So when you vote for Bush, you are voting for liars. When you elect someone, you're not just electing that person, you are electing all the people he or she chooses to advise him or her. And frankly, the Bush camp is full of people who are responsible for flat-out, boldface lies being told to you, the American public. "Lies? What lies" you ask. Well, have you guys happened to find any weapons of mass destruction (and every single one of you who rolled their fucking eyes are those four words, I hate you very much, you stupid, stupid people) in Iraq? It's not even an issue at this point, okay? When Bush pushed for that war, he made it seem like the US was about to be nuked to kingdom come because Saddam Hussein had covered the entire country of Iraq with nuclear weapons pointed right at you, the good, honest, taxpaying, hard-working American citizen who he just fucking hates because you have freedom and he fucking hates freedom, so he's gonna kill your ass and make the world safe for evil terrorist dictators! If that were true, why didn't he, you know, use those nukes when he was getting bombed by American fighter jets? I'm sorry, but he didn't not use them to somehow spite America. He was a crazy, fucked-up guy, but not that crazy and fucked-up. He was a power-mad guy who would do anything to hold onto power, and I think he would have chosen to use his WMDs before being put in a position where he'd have to spend his time in a fucking hole in the ground. Use your brains, people!
And while we're on Iraq, let's talk about that "Coalition of the Willing" Bush had. Hell, let's just talk about two countries that weren't in it: Canada and Mexico. Screw France, Germany, and Russia, let's focus on the fact that the only neighbours the USA really has said that Bush was essentially full of shit. You do realise that if the US were to be attacked with WMDs, it would pretty much mean that Canada and Mexico would be too, right? And we didn't seem all that concerned over Saddam's weapons that were just second away from hitting us. Now, ask yourself, why weren't we worried? Because we're nothing more than yellow-bellied chickens? Not Canada, because we're over in Afghanistan right now fighting those terrorists you guys are so scared of. Maybe it was because your President was, I don't know, full of shit! We had almost just as much to lose as you guys and we just laughed at Bush. Maybe you guys should have too.
This stuff is just staring you in the face, why won't you accept it? I know, I know, the President only wants what's best for America and he's just a fantastic guy and he loves you all very much. Bullshit. America, you have got to get this through your head: the President is not some sacred post bestowed upon some white guy by God. Every other Western country knows this about their leaders. There are no delusions of grandeur over the Prime Minister of England or Canada or France. We all know that our leaders don't automatically become the greatest people on Earth just because they managed to win a fucking election. Nixon won tons of elections, does that mean he was a great guy? Or for all you Bush supporters, Clinton won too. Do you think he was all of a sudden made the perfect man just because a majority of those who decided to vote thought he was better than the other option?
Look, I'm not asking you to all of a sudden join me and start yelling "Fuck Bush!" or anything. I just want you to stop and think for a second. Not act like you're thinking. Don't focus on anything except for George Bush and what he's done and who he is. Forget the Democrats. Forget everything except for him and think. Think about if he is the right man to be the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth. Think about if this is the guy representing you to the rest of the world. Think about if this is a guy you want put in charge for four more years of your life and the lives of your family. I know, the election is ten months away, but I want you to think now. I want you to think long and hard, and then I want you to encourage others to do so. Because electing the President of the United States of America should not be a decision based on parties, or family tradition of voting, or because your favourite actor says to vote for someone, it should be based on you sitting down and thinking seriously if that is a person you want leading your nation, not just at home, but in the world.
You know what I think and I wish I could do more than just this, but I'm not an American. I won't get to vote in your election. Don't let that fact make you simply dismiss what I've said out of turn. As I said before, your vote doesn't just affect you. It affects me and my family and friends, and it affects Karl in England and his family and friends, and it affects my friend Johan in Sweden and his family and his friends. You have a big responsibility, and it's one you guys seem damn proud of, well, start taking it seriously and start using your brains.