Shut Up And Listen 150 Campaign Advice This week in my Canadian Government tutorial, we split up into groups and each group was given the task of coming up with campaign advice for political parties. Well, the discussion that ensued was rather fun, so I’ve decided to continue with it in this column. The goal isn’t so much as realistic strategies that the parties would use, but more those totally honest ones that they’d never do. Party No. 1: The Liberals Slogan: Fuck the West! Strategy: Win Ontario and Quebec and don’t worry about any other part of the country. If you take Ontario and Quebec, you’ve got your majority of seats. Issues to focus on: Rising dollar, stronger economy. Issues to avoid: Anything that can be described as “controversial.” How to deal with the new Conservative Party: Critique lack of leadership, extremists, and let them say stupid things that are then critiqued. How to deal with the NDP: Again, label them extremists. How to deal with the Bloc Quebecois: Play up how Quebec is a valued founding province and that the Bloc really has no concrete plans for after separation. Advice for Paul Martin: If you’re going to be so fiscally conservative, you have to lean towards the left a bit more socially. Ontario has legalized gay marriage, so embrace that. Also try and appease Quebec as much as possibly. Distance yourself from the conservatives. Party No. 2: The Conservative Party Of Canada Slogan: Fuck the Liberals! Strategy: Play up the fact it’s still the Tories. Distance yourself from the Alliance as much as possible in the East. And don’t elect Stephen Harper as leader. Issues to focus on: Lacklustre American relations, gay marriage, too much spending, and Quebec wanting too much power. Issues to avoid: Leadership questions, religious issues, and the good economy that currently exists. How to deal with the Liberals: Call them pussies. How to deal with the NDP: Call them hippies. How to deal with the Bloc Quebecois: Who the fuck cares about Quebec? Fuck the French! Advice for the new leader whenever he or she is elected: Come out strong because you are the face of the party and you will win or lose the election. Beat Martin PR-wise. Party No. 3: The New Democratic Party Slogan: Fuck the right! Strategy: Play up Martin’s conservative side and draw away the left-leaning Liberals. Issues to focus on: The environment, gay marriage, social programs, and the asskissing to America Martin is engaging in. Issues to avoid: The economy and the military. How to deal with the Liberals: Attack their lack of beliefs and their shifty nature. You don’t know what they’ll do. How to deal with the Conservatives: Label them religious fascists who want to make Canada America. How to deal with the Bloc Quebecois: Undercut their support by saying you agree with most of what they say short of separation. Advice to Layton: Become more visible. No one knows who you are. Hell, I can’t even remember your first name! Get out there and get yourself seen! Party No. 4: The Bloc Quebecois Slogan: Fuck Canada! Strategy: Win Quebec. Issues to focus on: Separation. Issues to avoid: Everything else. How to deal with the Liberals: They only care about Ontario. How to deal with the Conservatives: They only care about the West. How to deal with the NDP: They only care about wasting Quebec’s money on the rest of Canada. Advice to ???: Who leads this party? It doesn’t matter if I know who you are because I’m from Ontario. Just make sure the people of Quebec know and love you. And that’s my advice. Totally dumb and useless, I know. Bonus Commentary Considering this is my one hundred and fiftieth column, and our society values numbers like that, I thought I’d throw in some bonus commentary on this column. I did decide to do this from a discussion we had in my Canadian Government tutorial. My group was the Liberals, and I came up with the idea of our strategy being “Fuck the West!” which still cracks me up. Actually, our group was like two groups, with the part I was in being the half-serious/half-joking part. We just kept coming up with dumb fucking shit that was honest and could work, but done in such a way that no one in their right mind would follow it. Like the “Fuck the West!” thing. The Liberals could essentially just focus on Ontario and Quebec and win, but they won’t. Our policy was “natural swearing”. You know, we’d swear when it seemed called for. The use of “fuck something” as a slogan was something we all seemed to like and I pretty much stole all of them for the column. I came up with two or three of them. I know one guy came up with the Bloc’s “Fuck Canada!” which they should seriously use. Same with the Tories’ “Fuck the Liberals!” I would really like to see those parties start using slogans that are fuck something or other. Hell, the Green Party should at the very least. I thought about using the Green Party in the column, but I don’t really like the Canadian Green Party. I think they’re redundant of the NDP and just detract from them. It’s not like in the US where a good left-wing party is needed because the Democrats are really just pussy versions of the Republicans. Here The Green Party’s goals are largely the exact same as the NDP’s except that The Green Party’s goals are smaller in scope and are too focussed on one or two things. I’d worry about hate mail from Green supporters, but I don’t get mail period, so any would be welcomed. One party I almost threw in as a joke was one I created with a guy in my Canadian Government tutorial, Ryan earlier in the year. We were told to split into groups and create a new party, and for around two minutes, we joked about a Stalinist-Hitler Party, being the exact opposite of the Leninist-Marx Party that already exists in Canada. Our policy would have been “We’re going to kill a lot of people.” Honestly, there’s a point where there are too many dumb parties and Canada is there. I don’t think a two party system is better, but at some point it’s like “Jesus, you people are just dumb fucks.” I can respect them for wanting to express their beliefs, but to start a party that you know is going to lose by basing it on total outright communism or anarchy? That’s just retarded. Use that time and effort to actually make a difference. All you end up looking like are crackpots that people make fun of for being . . . well, crackpots. And that’s the shitty commentary on Shut Up And Listen 150 that I used as filler. See you next week.