Shut Up And Listen 148

Fucking Retard
Often before I head for school, I take a quick look through the paper. Now, our paper, The London Free Press kind of suck for news. For a paper with a “City Region” separate section, the main section is dominated far too heavily with local news “of interest.” I mainly check the paper out for three things: sports scores, comics, and opinions. So it was Monday morning and I had ten minutes before I had to leave, so I grabbed the paper off the table and started flipping through. Nothing of interest in the sports section and the comics only took a minute, so I was left with the opinion page. What I was greeted with were the letters to the editor. I love these. Most of the time they’re boring as hell, but those few times when they’re entertaining, they are better than anything else, and on Monday I got one.
	The letter in question was one from Justin George of Komoka (small town ten minutes outside of London), and when I had finished it I stared straight ahead and then said, “What a fucking retard!”
	See, last week, the world junior hockey championships happened and the Canadian team lost to the American one in the gold final game. The game was sent into overtime by a fluke goal that the paper described as “The Immaculate Deflection” the next day. Now, Mister Justin George wrote into the paper because this headline offended him. He’s a Catholic and the Immaculate Conception is not something to be taken lightly, you know. It is a sacred and holy event of great importance to Catholics everywhere, because that’s when the Virgin Mary was impregnated by God and that led to the birth of Jesus Christ, our motherfucking saviour and don’t be fucking with the fucking Word of God that’s in the Bible, you fuckers! And why is it that aspects of the Jewish or Islamic faiths aren’t mocked in the same way in the media? It’s an attack on the very nature of Catholicism and Justin George won’t let it stand!
	Now, I was very tempted to look up this guy’s phone number and phone him and actually say, “You know, you’re a fucking retard.” Because he is. I mean, with all the problems going on in the world, I’d place this problem right near the bottom. Let’s see, what else could he have written about? World hunger, war in the Middle East, war in Africa, war in South America, tyrannical governments, AIDS, cancer, genital herpes, political corruption, the homeless, or any of the other twenty-eight billion issues that are much more important than this. I can’t stand people like this. These are the kind of people who just go looking to create problems out of nothing. I mean, who fucking cares if the paper in fucking London, Ontario used the phrase “Immaculate Deflection” to describe a hockey game?
	But, because I have some space to fill, I’ll play his game. Mister Justin George, I found our letter quite offensive to non-Catholic Christians who also believe in the Immaculate Conception. Your consist exclusion of them in your letter was quite offensive because you chose not to represent their offence at the very thing that so offended you. Do you think only Catholics can be offended over a mockery of a Christian tenant? Why do you hate non-Catholics, Mr. George? How many non-Catholic Christian friends do you have? Have you ever had a non-Catholic Christian in your house? How would you react if your daughter brought home a non-Catholic Christian? People like you make me sick, just going around spreading passive aggressive hate like that. Jesus didn’t die for our sins so people like you could exclude mentioning others who could be offended by the same offensive item which offended you.
	Also, can anyone think of any well-known Jewish or Islamic phrase that is well-known enough to be twisted for the same purpose as “immaculate conception”? I know I can’t think of any. Let’s face it, people, the phrase “immaculate conception”, much like Christmas, is now is cultural with religious undertones. It belongs to the culture now primarily and the religion second. Sorry, pal, but that’s the way it works. It just became too well-known for its own good. You guys shouldn’t have been hyping that whole Jesus thing so much with it. See, it’s really your fault that it was used like that. You guys had to be going around trying to convert everyone and just kept saying “immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception, immaculate conception” and now everyone knows it and it can thus be used for sports commentary. You know, “immaculate deflection”, “immaculate reception”, and . . . um, that’s it.
	Why can’t people just have a sense of humour about shit like this? Don’t take it so seriously, you’ll get an ulcer or something. Look at my Catholic friend Lauren: she loves my Chad The Christ comics. I mean, she loves them. And let’s be honest, they’re fucking sacrilegious in nature. There’s kicking god in the balls, becoming the Christ, fighting with Baby Jesus, and I’m planning one where he meets the Pope called “Chad The Christ Meets The Fucking Pope!” Just gotta take this shit with a grain of salt and have a good laugh about it is all. That, and stop being a fucking retard about it and start actually talking about shit that matters.
	(And yes, I am quite aware of the irony of calling this guy a fucking retard and his ideas not worth talking about in a column devoted to talking about him and his retarded ideas.)