Shut Up And Listen 145

Why I Hate Going To The Theatre
It was Sunday afternoon around three-thirty when Matt called. Matt’s a friend of mine and we were going to see Return Of The King at some point this past week. But Matt is impatient. Sure, we’d waited a year since seeing The Two Towers, but oh no, Matt could not wait a single more day to see it. So the plan was to try and make the 7:00 pm show at Silver City at Masonville mall, getting something to eat beforehand.
	Around six he picked me up and headed for Masonville. Usually when we see a movie over at Silver City, we just hit the food court because it gives various options. Except of course, the mall fucking closes at six on Sundays. Even with Christmas coming up. We hit Wendy’s instead and amazingly enough they did not put cheese on my burger like they usually do (fucking hate cheese on my burgers). When we went to purchase tickets, we were told by the staff of Silver City that the next showing that wasn’t sold-out was at nine and we should get there an hour and a half early because of a line. Now, one must wonder: would there be a line because people actually show up an hour and a half early for the 9:00 pm show on Sunday night or because they tell people there will be a line and thus create one? I think it’s the latter.
	There wasn’t any chance of us waiting for the nine o’clock show at fucking six-thirty. We decided to try the theatre in Westmount mall instead, and we were successful to see the eight o’clock showing there. This was at seven o’clock though, so Matt phoned another friend, Jason to see if he wanted to join us. And then we noticed a line with a sign saying “Cinema 1 Ticket Holders,” which was us. So we had to get in the fucking line. There were twenty people. Seriously. It was like something out of Seinfeld. And then they let those of us in line in, but wait, wait, wait, Jason had not yet arrived, so I was left with the monumental task of saving seats.
	I fucking hate saving seats.
	It’s so awkward. Firstly, you’re sitting there alone and that’s weird enough as it is. And then you’re always looking over you shoulder, looking for the people you’re waiting for, so they can see where you are and such. Plus, the theatre was filling up and I was in the middle, so half the time I wouldn’t notice people until they were almost sitting, which was awkward for when I told them that the seats were saved. Add that to the fact that I really had to use the bathroom and it was an unpleasant experience. There were also the dumb fucking 13-year olds sitting behind me. Seriously, 13-year old boys are fucking morons. The dumbest fucking morons ever. Let’s see, there was the conversation about who has the hottest cousin, which involved the phrase, “My cousin is beautiful, yeah, but I wouldn’t say she’s hot.” Or when an ad for Hillary Duff’s DVD and CD came on the screen, one of them remarked about the DVD, entitled “All Access Pass”, “I hope that means into her pants.” I honestly felt myself getting dumber with every word they said.
	Finally, Matt and Jason arrived, and I was able to use the bathroom, which was nice. Then I return and what the fuck, Matt’s sitting in my seat and I’m stuck with he seat behind the guy with the big head. And I had saved the fucking seats! Bastards, eh? So the previews start and they’re sucking because the seats in the Westmount theatre suck ass, because we have to look up slightly, whereas at Silver City, we just have to look straight ahead usually. None of the previews seemed that interesting except for the one for Shrek 2, which looks rather entertaining. And of course, throughout the previews and the movie, those asshole kids behind us kept talking. One kid, taking guesses at what was going to happen next in the movie, or one fucking asshole kid, who when Sam was leaning over Frodo at one point was going “Kiss him! Kiss him!” Fucking hate those kids.
	The movie itself was good. Really fucking long, but good. The ending seemed long, but only in the context of it being a single movie, not in the context of it being three movies. The length though made us realise that there’s no way we’re going to do the marathon once they’re all out on DVD. Eleven hours? No thanks. Walking out of the theatre, my legs weren’t working right after sitting in the same spot for so long and I kept feeling like I was gonna fall over to the left. That was odd.
	And that, dear reader is why I hate going to the theatre to see movies, preferring to just wait the eight months until they’re on the movie network here and watch them then in the comfort of my own home, alone. I will be seeing Kill Bill Vol. 2 in theatres though, because I can’t wait for that one. But that’s the exception to the rule, I suppose.
	Next week will be the year-end column where I’ll talk about some shit I haven’t decided upon yet.