Shut Up And Listen 124

Confessions Of A Professional Liar
Hi, you may know me as “Chad Nevett”, a twenty-year old male from London, Ontario, Canada, but that’s a lie. I’ve been lying through this site and this weekly column for over two years now. Almost everything I’ve said here has been a lie. As have the other columns. All of them are lies. None of it has been true. “Troy Doney”, “Rick Carrion”, “Karl Smith”, “Andy Shaw” and even “Ian Cobb” are all made up people. None of them actually exist. They are all creations of my friends and I. My real name is Robert Andrews and you have all been had. 
	Over two years ago, I was talking with a co-worker about the internet and how she had been fooled online by someone claiming to be someone else in a chatroom. She had chatted with this man for several months and they had become very fond of one another and even dabbled in some sexually explicit chats. They decided to meet up at a restaurant, so that they could see if they had the same chemistry in person that they had online. Well, she showed up, but he never did. Near the end of the night, she was told there was a phone call for her and when she took it, she was told by what sounded like a teenage boy that she was a dirty whore and that he was her online Romeo. Needless to say, she was stunned, humiliated and deeply hurt.
	I found this story funny though, and eagerly told my friends it later that evening. We all thought it was funny and brilliant, so I decided to do the same kind of thing. Except that I wouldn’t just target one person, I would research and build a person that would become real to many people. It was then that “Chad Nevett” was created and I tried my little persona out online. I started writing little columns to help me get to know Chad. I think I wrote around eight before actually going online with him. I got inside him and learned who he was. Then I went online and started posting on message boards as him and soon he grew into a full-fledged person. He had friends and a distinct personality and a history and a life. And I found all of this extremely funny. People are so easily fooled. 
	Over that summer, as he grew and made friends, I decided to encourage the growth by expanding the site to include another columnist, a Karl Smith. I didn’t bother establishing him as strongly, preferring to keep a lower profile with him. And as quickly as I introduced him, I made him disappear. He wrote three columns and then I got rid of him. I loved that.
	After that, I also started to really get into the Chad persona, so I began interviewing comic professionals for the fun of it. Little did they know that they were just part of a big joke. And through them, I exposed hundreds of new people to my little private joke.
	And if you’ve been paying attention for a while, I don’t really need to detail every little step I took in my little fun. The creation of the other columnists, who came and went as I pleased. False conflicts, and false problems dictating their schedules. Different approaches to the site as far as designs went and content. Making up various stories and scripts and ideas. A lot of fun, really.
	But I’m sick of it now. It’s boring. I’ve been doing it for over two years and I’m just tired of doing it. Week after week after week. Keeping up a fake life is tiring, so I’m done. This is it. The end. Thanks for the ride, but Chad Nevett has left the building, folks.
	Before I go, I just want to say that you are all a bunch of morons and suckers and I’ve laughed at you all many, many times. Don’t believe everything you read online anymore, jackasses.

Sincerely yours,
Robert Andrews
Great Neck, Long Island
August 2, 2003