Shut Up And Listen 122

Shut Up And Listen: A Look Back At Iraq, Bush, And Pussy Democrats In The Style Of An Old Newsreel
Hey, remember back when Bill Clinton was being impeached because he lied about getting a blowjob? Remember how the Republicans were all over his fat ass like fat on his ass? Remember how it was seen as just about the worst thing ever done? Remember how Clinton was worse than Hitler, Stalin, Manson, and Bundy combined? Remember how it really was just over a blowjob or two?
	Now, remember how Bush said Saddam Hussein had all sorts of biological and chemical weapons that he was going to use on innocent Americans at a moment’s notice? Remember how he said Saddam was pursuing nuclear weapons programs because he wants to kill all Americans? Remember how Colin Powell said the same thing to the UN? Remember how when the US attacked Iraq and tried to kill Hussein, he didn’t use any of those weapons of mass destruction he had? Hey, do you remember how the Democrats didn’t say shit about that because they’re such pussies?
	I do.
	Hi, I’m Chad Nevett and for the next however many words, we’ll be exploring this subject in this week’s edition of Shut Up And Listen. Cue theme music. HA!
	Dateline: 2003. President Bush says to America that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has biological and chemical weapons of mass destruction. Saddam Hussein says that he doesn’t. What does the world say? The world says, “We need more information!”
	So, off to Iraq go the United Nations weapon inspectors, off to search high and low for those weapons of mass destruction that Bush says Hussein is hiding. Good luck, boys, and bring me back one of them sexy Iraqi women! WHOO-WHOO!
	Several weeks later, in a presentation to the UN, chief weapon inspector, Hans Blix says, “We haven’t found anything! We need more time!” To this, Bush said, “I don’t want to not give them no more less time to not search for those weapons not in Iran, but in Iraq.” Americans rise up and cheer, saying, “Anyone that dumb must be right!”
	So, back go the weapon inspectors and off to the UN goes Colin Powell! He goes to the UN with fancy graphics and big words, but all it boils down to is: Saddam has weapons in the back of trucks and those trucks could quite possibly magically fly to America and steal little kids’ milk money. The UN laughs, calling the presentation technically profound, but sorry, Lord Of The Rings gets the Oscar! Better luck next year, Pentagon boys!
	For good measure, Bush says some more pointless things. He says that Saddam funds terrorists! Terrorists who hate America! Terrorists who were behind 9/11! Wasn’t 9/11 sad? All those poor people died at the hands of Iraqi terrorists personally sent by Saddam Hussein to kill good Christian Americans! Osama who? 
	And I know what you’re thinking: what did France have to say? We’ll let’s ask France! “Americans are stupid! Stupid foolish stupid Americans!” Mighty big words coming from the country everyone knows as “Le Surrenderers”! Did your balls finally drop, Frenchies?
	The result of all the graphics and useless debate? War! Bush can’t be Hussein! Hussein can’t be Bush! Result? War! War! WAR!
	There goes Mister American Soldier Hero, off to liberate those poor Iraqi children who are raped in the ass everyday by Saddam “I’m the devil!” Hussein! I salute you, Mister American Solider Hero! Go get ‘em, tiger!
	“But, Chad, wasn’t the war supposed to be about weapons and terrorism?” you ask.
	Sure was, but now we’ve decided it’s all about liberating one nation from the oppressive dictator that rules it with an iron fist and a limp penis! Maybe next year, we’ll help out South Korea, but only if they’re good little boys and girls!
	Shock and awe time in Baghdad! Oh! Look at the pretty bombs go boom! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Turn up “Song 2” by Blur and have some lovely shock and awe. WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! Drop the bombs on the heathen Iraqis! God told Bush to go after Saddam and he has!
	Iraq has been liberated and down comes the statue of Saddam Hussein! Look at the people loot! 100% off sale! Twenty for the price of none! God bless the American Way! Buck up, starving Iraqi child, you’re an American now! Send away for your welfare check!
	America rules Iraq! V is for victory! But where are the weapons of mass destruction? Crazy Saddam didn’t use them against the invading forces, so maybe they’re behind those bushes over there! No? Then let’s look in those oil fields! Not there either? Well, while we’re here, let’s get some of this sweet Texas gold and send it back home as a souvenir!
	Look over in Syria! We think they’ve got the weapons of mass destruction! They have to! They aren’t in Iraq, so Saddam must have moved them to one of his magical underground palaces in Syria! What? You’ve found some in Iraq! WHOO! Good job, solider! Have some oil for you troubles!
	Those aren’t weapons of mass destruction! They’re just pesticides! America loves pesticides! Let’s kill us some fire ants! Damn fire ants are always eating my crops! Damn youse fire ants! I’ll kill youse bastards!
	Back in America, we all learn that the CIA doesn’t like Bush anymore. Apparently they were told to keep getting intelligence until it matched what Bush said. Uh oh, Bush, you’ve got the guys who killed Kennedy after you! What are you going to do?
	Why, look at Bush, he’s drawing a road map for the Middle East! The stops? Peacetown and Suicide Bomber Junction! Have fun travelling down that path, Mister President! Don’t forget to tip the baggage handlers! They’re people too!
	But the real question is: where are we today? What’s going on today? What’s the news of today? The news of today is Africa! Look at Georgie-Boy go on Safari and watch elephants have sex! Look at him possibly say that slavery was a good thing, if only for the people who weren’t slaves! Look at him say that while America has not found any weapons of mass destruction and that the Iraqi people have taken to killing GI Joes, that there’s no doubt in his mind that he doesn’t have a mind!
	And where are the Democrats in all this? Why, there they are, agreeing with Bush more than the Republicans are! Good job, boys! Maybe if you convince the people you’re really with Bush, people will vote for you! HA HA HA! I’m just kidding! You guys are a bunch of pussies!
	That’s our show for the week. Join us next week where we explore some other issue in a much more coherent and truthful sense. Until then, I’m Chad Nevett and you are who you are. Goodnight and have a boring tomorrow.