Shut Up And Listen 111

“My Lover Is A Creationist” . . . Tonight On Jerry Springer

Come on studio audience cheering. Pan across them and then show title “My Lover Is A Creationist” and then close in on Jerry.

Jerry: Science versus religion. For centuries, this has been a conflict that has plagued mankind. Wars have been fought and people have died over this eternal quandary. Today, we’re going to see couples who may split because of their differences.

Jerry continues, but we now see a man sitting onstage. This is Billy Bob and he is in jeans and a wife-beater.

Jerry (voice-over): Meet Billy Bob. He and his girlfriend of seven months have considered splitting up because of their different views on the origins of the species. Welcome, Billy Bob.

Billy Bob: Hi, Jerry.

Jerry: Now, Billy Bob, what exactly is the problem between you and your girlfriend?

Billy Bob: Well, Jerry, my and Peggy Sue—that’s my girlfriend—we don’t exactly get along when it relates to the question of evolution and that stuff. I’m a lifelong Christian myself, Jerry and I just won’t tolerate her blaspheming the good book, huh?

Jerry: So she subscribes to the view that humans evolved from monkeys?

Billy Bob: Yes, sir, she does. Can you believe that? Goddamn apes! How crazy is that?

Jerry: I don’t know, but let’s bring Peggy Sue out and ask her!

Peggy Sue comes out, mad as hell.

Peggy Sue: You BLEEP BLEEP! What the BLEEP are you BLEEP talking about?

Billy Bob: Shut the BLEEP up you BLEEP science slut!

Peggy Sue: You wanna a piece of this? Huh? 

Billy Bob: BLEEP bring it!

Steve the security guard breaks up the fight, separating the two.

Crowd: STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!

Jerry: Peggy Sue, what exactly is the problem here?

Peggy Sue: He’s an inbreeding hillbilly is what he is. Nothing but poor white trash who sleeps with his cousin!

Jerry: Am I missing something here?

Peggy Sue: He says humanity started with just two people, Jerry. That means that their kids had to have sex. He’s glorifying incest.

Billy Bob: That’s a load of BLEEP and you know it. Cain went off and got a wife in some city after he killed his brother.

Peggy Sue: Where the BLEEP did that city come from? It doesn’t make sense!

Billy Bob: More sense than us coming from BLEEP monkeys. Do I look like a monkey to you?

Peggy Sue: Yes.

Billy Bob: Shut the BLEEP up, bitch!

Peggy Sue: Oh no you di’n’t!

Billy Bob: You heard me!

Both jump up and start yelling and hitting each other. The security guards break them up.

Jerry: After this break, we’ll meet a mother and son who haven’t spoken in five years over differing views on god, science and everything related. We’ll be right back.

Go to commercial with crowd shouting “Jerry” over and over again.