Shut Up And Listen 110 The Iraqi Revolution: America’s Best Hope For Democracy I was watching The Daily Show With John Stewart this week as always and he was talking to a guest about bringing democracy to Iraq and what needs to be done. Do they just start having elections? Put institutions in place? And if so, how? That sort of thing. Then he said something that really hit: Iraq has no founding fathers as America did to help rally the people in a certain direction. What Iraq needs is a revolution to force the American invaders to leave the country and then allow Iraq to shape its own future. And America needs to pay for it. America needs to start an Iraqi Revolution against America if it wants to achieve its so-called goal of Iraqi democracy. Through the revolution, the Iraqi people can come together for a common goal, while ignoring such superficial differences as religion or race. Through the revolution, strong leaders can come forth and get the support of the people much like the founding fathers did in the US. They can take control and shape the future of Iraq. Now, all America has to do is be the ones who are controlling how they shape it. Remake Iraq the way America was made. How fucking great is that? I’m surprised no one else has thought of it (and if someone has, I’m sorry for not knowing about it, but I assure you I did come up with this on my own). It seems so fucking obvious once you think about how America was formed and how America wants everyone to be like America. Hell, maybe that’s what they’re doing in Afghanistan right now. That could explain the lack of funding and support that’s there to help rebuild Iraq. And it explains why they have that nice puppet leader ruling things without the support of the people. Holy fuck, it explains why America seems to not give a fuck about Afghanistan anymore! They’re setting it up so that it can revolt and free itself from the oppressive American scum! Bloody fucking brilliant! Oh, if only that were true though. It makes me weep that my alternative makes more sense then the one where they just let Afghanistan go to the shitter. Hopefully they won’t let the same thing happen to Iraq. But hey, that won’t happen as the American rebuilding forces are already moving in. You know, those big American oil companies . . . they’re rebuilding oil fields . . . that’s good . . . right? But, going back to the original point of the column, it’s time for the Q&A portion of the plan: Q: Chad, wouldn’t American soldiers’ lives be lost in the Iraqi Revolution? A: Yes! Lots! But just so you know, 90% of those deaths will be in helicopter accidents and cases of friendly fire. Q: Chad, what about journalists? Will they die too? A: Most likely, but not in as large numbers as the soldiers, but they’ll be talked about more than the soldiers who died will. Q: How can we assure that the Iraqi “founding fathers” stick to the plan? A: Money. Lots of money. And lesbian hookers. Hot ones. Q: Do you really think your dumb plan will work? I mean, it sounds a little fucked up if you ask me. A: It’s a lot better than what they’ve got going on now. At least in my plan, the people running Iraq will be Iraqis the people support instead of a blatantly obvious US puppet. Q: Won’t the old problems of religion and race come up after the revolution? A: Probably. Q: And that doesn’t concern you? A: I think things would be better than it looks like they’re going to be. What needs to be done is uniting the different groups against a common enemy and they all seem to really, really, really, really hate America, so that seems like a good shot. Q: The plan is a joke, isn’t it? A: Nope. Q: Really? A: Okay, yeah, it is. Q: You’re just a liar, aren’t you? A: Yes. Yes, I am. And there we have it. My plan to bring democracy to Iraq. Yes, it probably wouldn’t work and there’s a chance it could turn out really badly with lots of deaths, but at least it’s fun in theory.