The Best Of Shut Up And Listen Year 2--Column 83 Fundamental Church Law It was a Friday morning. Around noon. I was sitting at my computer in the living room, checking out my regular online haunts. One of them is The Globe & Mail’s website as it provides me with pretty good Canadian news (there are better papers, but their websites are horrid). One of the stories was about how the Vatican has rejected the American Roman Catholic Church’s proposed zero tolerance policy for priests who commit sexual abuse. A wolfish grin came across my face and I had to quote Spider Jerusalem and say, “I feel a column coming on.” But that was yesterday and now it’s today and I’ve had a chance to think about this a little more. I’ve had a chance to discuss and talk a little about this with others. I’ve had a chance to make grossly negative statement against the church, god and the whole thing in my usual sarcastic and offensive manner. And you know what? My opinions haven’t changed one bit. The Vatican (henceforth known as “the Evil Childfuckers”) doesn’t think that the proposed policy (henceforth known as “the catholic’s PR saviour”) quite matches up with “fundamental church law” (henceforth known as “the pretentious fallibility of the papal”) and therefore, must be renegotiated with the American priests and bishops (henceforth known as “Back-Peddlers”). See, the Evil Childfuckers have this belief that the pretentious fallibility of the papal gives them the right to totally ignore all laws made by people here on Earth. You know, people who we can prove exist. The society here in North America (henceforth known as “we”) has decided that fucking children is against the law. We have taken the position that that is wrong, immoral, heinous, and should be stopped at all costs. Children are pre-sexual beings and should not be scarred for life because some person is sick in the head. Now, the Evil Childfuckers don’t seem to agree. They seem to think that the pretentious fallibility of the papal makes it okay for them to go against what we have decided is the law. The Evil Childfuckers have time and time again deliberately circumvented this law. They have moved priests who have committed this monstrous crime (henceforth known as “the Papal-Sanctioned Childfuckers”) to other perishes after the Papal-Sanctioned Childfuckers were caught committing this crime. They were “punished” and then allowed to do it again. Again, for Christ’s sake! These fuckers were supposed to be upholding virtues and the teachings of their god and saviour and all of that, and they forced little kids to perform sexual acts with them. And the church did NOTHING. But you know that. Now. After the word got out. That’s where the Back-Peddlers come in. The Back-Peddlers saw the huge crisis that was going around them. People were starting to see the truth behind the church’s public façade. So they needed to do something and quick. They needed to come up with the catholic’s PR saviour and quickly. So they did. The catholic’s PR saviour demanded zero-tolerance against the Papal-Sanctioned Childfuckers. This is what we wanted. We wanted to see the church take an active opposition against the Papal-Sanctioned Childfuckers. We liked the catholic’s PR saviour. But of course, the Evil Childfuckers have to come out and make it known that the catholic’s PR saviour is somehow conflicting with the pretentious fallibility of the papal and essentially doom the church to a slow and painful death. The Evil Childfuckers were given a chance to enter the twenty-first century, but they chose to stick with the medieval one they just love living in, for some reason. Well, enjoy living in the past gentlemen and don’t be surprised when the present leaves your archaic church in the past. Extra Bonus Feature! To go with the above column, I present an over-the-top sarcastic remark blasting the fuck out of the catholic church! Priests represent god, you dumb fucks! That means if a priest fucks a little boy up the ass, that’s what god wants! Who the fuck are you to question that? He is a fucking priest and he is closer to god than you can ever hope to be! He is holy! He is sacred! We should be sending them children by the truckload because god demands that they all be touched by a priest’s holy cock! Holy cocks for children! God demands holy cocks for children! Praise the lord and praise the holy cocks of the catholic church! Writer’s Commentary I love this column. It makes me laugh. I love the stand-in phrases I use. But I’m pissed off as pretty much nothing’s changed since I wrote this. In fact, I haven’t heard anything about the catholic church or any of their shit for a while now. Other things have taken over in the news, so we don’t hear about the priests and their “holy cocks” too much. Almost enough for me to think they’re the driving force behind the whole Iraq thing. Well, not really. That’s crazy. The Vatican doesn’t wield that kind of power anymore. Although, I bet they wish they do. Yup, that old man is sitting up there, shitting himself and thinking about how great it would be if he was in charge back when the catholic church actually meant something other than fucking little boys. The days where the church said jump and the leaders of the world said how high. The Good Ol’ Days. But so sorry, those days are far behind us and the catholic church is becoming terribly passé. That whole god is scary shit isn’t flying as much when the people listening to it found out the dude saying it was saying it because he’s scared shitless of what his god will do to him because of what he’s done in the confessional. I saw the first part of that two-part South Park where the boys learn about hell and confessions and shit. Damn funny stuff, and so utterly truthful. The priest scares the boys into believing they’ll go to hell if they die without confessing every sin and it just snowballs from there. Seriously, watch that show. It is a mirror to be held up to the world. The reflection is ugly as hell, too. I also love the phrase “God demands holy cocks for children!” I could so see some fanatic yelling that at a rally.