Shut Up And Listen 94

The Resolutions
The year ended with the way I lived my life pretty much: at home, in front of a computer, writing alone. To some this may seem sad or pathetic, but to me, it was great. Despite what you may think, not all people who spend time at home by themselves have to. I have various friends I could have called up and said “Whatcha doing?” and then went with them wherever they were going, but fuck that shit. Not everyone is a social person. Deal with it.
	But I digress . . .
	A new year. Wow. Who cares? Not me. I mean, did anything really change when the clock passed 11:59 PM and we entered the year 2003? No, of course not. But time change like that is really just a matter of mental perception. People make a distinction between years and then build up certain ideas and behavioural patterns surrounding it.
	Take the New Year Resolutions as the prime example (I would say the kissing at midnight, but let’s be honest in that starting a new year kissing someone is the smartest thing our society does). I love resolutions, I really do. He idea of people all across the world deciding to change their lives for the better is fucking great. Or at least it would be if people could keep them. The fact that maybe, what, ten percent (and I am being very generous here) of people keep their resolutions says something very bad about our society.
	We’re lazy, and not in that good kind of way that involves relaxing when you can and not doing shit, but in that total lack of willpower to change the shitty stuff in our lives because we can’t be arsed to get off our asses and make life better.
	Well, I’m going to make some resolutions right here and now and I am going to fucking keep them or . . .
	See, that’s the problem: no consequences other than life remaining the same, and in many cases, such as my own, life isn’t all that bad. In fact, my life is pretty good, so it staying the same isn’t really a big punishment.
	But no matter, I’ll make some resolutions and just try to keep them. You’ll all be my witnesses and I encourage any of you with active contact with me to check up on me and make me feel like a total failure if I don’t do them (but give me like two weeks before checking--I’m not a machine).

Resolution The First: I resolve to stop being such an asshole. This will be the hardest one, because sarcastic comments are engrained in me, and honestly, sometimes I can be a real asshole about it, and I don’t like that.

Resolution The Second: I resolve to stop being so lazy. Sure, in some areas of my life I’m amazingly productive (writing, watching TV, reading books of my choice--essentially pursuing my interests), but others I’m incredibly lazy and it’s time I stop.

Resolution The Third: I resolve to learn how to approach a girl/lady/woman/chick/whatever you want to call her (I still need a feminine pronoun akin to “guy”) and talk to her. I can’t do this and I’d like to be able to.

Resolution The Fourth: I resolve to eat healthier. Yes, this may shock those who know me, but fuck, I am sick of just eating junk. I don’t want to stop eating it, but dammit, I want to eat something else. This doesn’t mean a drastic change, it just means I plan to eat more fruit for snacks (you know, stuff I like like apples and oranges and bananas) and less junk food. Maybe have more salads with a little less Thousand Island dressing.

Resolution The Fifth: I resolve to stop obsessing about biting and cutting my nails. Seriously, I have a problem with this. You should see my nails, they are so fucking short and jagged because of my biting and cutting. The problem is that when I’m bored I need something to do and sadly, the nails are always there. I make this resolution to myself every year and can never do it for more than . . . a day, maybe. Not this year. Honestly, if I make it a week, it’ll be a victory.

Resolution The Sixth: I resolve to not spend so much money. Seriously, I went through a lot of money in between September and now because I had it and I couldn’t not spend it. Not this year. No more going into the campus bookstore every week and buying a book (unless I see a Hunter Thompson book I don’t have--they’re hard to find, you know). No more buying something if I see it because “I might not see it again.” No more spending $100 at a time at the comic shop (well, after January because I ordered a bunch of things, but there it was because my birthday is coming up and I always get some extra cash from it, so it isn’t quite as bad). No more buying fast food at school (which goes back to Resolution The Fourth).

Resolution The Seventh: I resolve not to skip any classes. This wasn’t a serious problem this past semester, but still, I want to not miss stuff. It doesn’t matter how fucking boring some of the classes are, I’ll be there. It doesn’t matter how tired I am and how much I don’t want to get up, I will get up, I will shower and then I will drag my ass to class.

Resolution The Eighth: I resolve to be nicer to my sister Brett. Sometimes I am a bit harsher than I should be (but it is damn funny--ask my mom and other sister once they stop laughing their asses off at me--and it is at me, but Brett thinks it’s at her, which it isn’t because I’m so over-the-top sometimes in my mocking/impersonations that it no longer becomes about her and is just about me, but she thinks it’s about her and her feelings get hurt). Except when she speaks in the third person, because I fucking hate people who do that and she should really break that habit.

Resolution The Ninth: I resolve to get rid of the gut. It’s not HUGE, but it’s growing and it makes me look like one of those starving African kids who are all skinny except for their bellies.

Resolution The Tenth: I resolve to watch less TV. I did that this year, actually, but I could cut back even more.

Ten resolutions. If I actually stick to half, I’ll be a far better man than I am now.


Twenty-Oh-Two Is Dead 50 Bullets In Its Head One Red One Blue All The Rest Were Chicken Poo
Let’s now take a trip back through time to that crazy year called 2002.
	Personally, it was a great year for me. But let’s run down the top ten cools things about 2002 (in no particular order), shall we?

Number one: I left high school. After five long years (and not because I failed one year--but because in Ontario up until this current school year, which is the last to have this program, there was a program called OAC where one could take another year of certain courses so they could attend university, which is different than college in that university is academic, whereas college is more job-oriented, unlike in the US), I finally got out of that hellhole and haven’t looked back.

Number two: I got an article published. Yes, that’s right, I submitted a column to the university’s film society and they put it in their bi-monthly magazine “Still”. It was about how I became aware of “good” movies because of soft-core porn on a station that showed good movies, but on Fridays showed good movies that also happened to have a lot of naked breasts in them. Personally, I hate the article now, but I was, and still am, proud of it. Hopefully I’ll do more this year.

Number three: Holy shit, I got into university! I am currently enrolled at the University of Western Ontario (or UWO) in what I hope to be a combined honours degree in English and Political Science. Honestly, this was probably the biggest thing that happened this year as it changed the way my life runs the most. Great shit though.

Number four: I started Motherschmucker Comics. Yeah, this was big for about a week. Seriously, I planned to have more updates on a far more frequent basis, but I’ll take the very easy (and also very honest) way out and blame it on others. Artists, other writers, various other people. I can only update what I’ve got and I can only do so much by myself.

Number five: Chad’s Daily Journal Thing. I love the internet and having a little daily journal thing has been cool. It allows people who care to keep up with what I’m doing on a semi-regular basis. Plus, I can pretty much rant and rave about whatever I want without someone bitching about it.

Number six: This site. 2002 was a great year for The Chevett Site. We’ve had a lot of talented people writing various things, we’ve gotten a new design, switched to a new server and even have a cool URL. Not to mention that through various message board pimping, we’ve built up a pretty solid fanbase (well, solid in my eyes; others mock me when I get excited about the idea of about ten hits a day) that seems to come back week after week, but never writes in to comment (no matter how I ask them to).

Number seven: I got a bunch of great books and CDs. Hey, this year was the year of books and CDs for me. I got most of Moby’s CDs, a few Hunter Thompson books, the first two Mark Leyner books FINALLY and a bunch of other great stuff. Oh, and I got some cool DVDs and comics too.

Number eight: Buying alcohol for my loser friends. I think in the time between me turning 19 and the first of them turning 19, I might have made like ten bucks in money they paid me to buy them booze. In my mind, that’s the closest thing I’ve had to a job in years.

Number nine: My writing. Most prolific year ever with my best work ever. Looking back, I wrote a shitload of stuff from this column every week to Superfucks, which I hope to get out there soon. A very satisfying year as far as writing went.

Number ten: Canada won the gold medal in men’s hockey against the US in the final game. FUCK YEAH!

The Best Of 2002

Best book: Stupid White Men by Michael Moore; you wanna learn about what’s going on America today, listen to Michael Moore. This is the guy telling you like it is (from his own left-leaning perspective) with facts to back up what he says. He sticks it to politicians and businessmen across the nation with humour and wit as sharp as a sword. The book is still on the bestseller’s list and went through like forty or so printings. Fucking great book.

Best CD: White Blood Cells by The White Stripes. Damn this is one entertaining album and if you don’t own it, you should. Some nice old-style rock music mixed with some more experimental techniques. And a weird thing: after seeing the movie Citizen Kane I learned that the song “The Union Forever” is all about the movie/lead character. 

Best comic: Automatic Kafka. I talked about this in my other column Let Me Tell You, but thought I’d mention it here too. This is about what happens ten years after the superhero comic featuring your favourite team got cancelled. We have an android named Automatic Kafka whose spent the past ten years being a slacker and recently just got into drugs. Out of nowhere, a government agency wants him to work for them, so he becomes a game show host to evade them. And in the recent issue, we met his former teammate, Helen Of Troy who gets her powers from sexual energy. Great fucking read brought to you by Joe Casey and Ashley Wood.

Best TV show: Curb You Enthusiasm. This show is damn funny and it’s a shame more people don’t see it because it’s on HBO (and TMN in Canada). Larry David plays a fictional self in this improved show (well, the dialogue isn’t scripted, but the actors know what they’re supposed to do in general) where each and every week he repeatedly pisses people off and makes himself look like an asshole to at least twenty people. I mean, this show in every episode juggles like fifty sub-plots and then brings them all together at the end and in only half an hour. Nominated for an Emmy, which it deserved, but lost and has been nominated for a Golden Globe, which it deserves, but will most likely lose.

Best internet column: In The Monkey House by Simon. This column used to be about comics, but then Simon had to take a break from writing it because life was too hectic, and when he returned, he had no interest in writing a column about comics anymore, so started writing about his life. Each week Simon puts his life out there and more often than not, you come away going “I am glad I’m not him” and that takes guts. His is a column that almost every week makes you want to write in to him and give him a few words of encouragement or sympathy or just a “You were right.” That, and the dude knows a lot about sex (in more of the same way I know a lot about sex: the facts of various things), which I think is funny.

And that ends the big year-end column. Hope you’ve liked it and if you didn’t . . . well, fuck you, why the fuck not? What, me laying out how I should become a better person and reflecting on the good things of the year weren’t good enough for you? Yeah, I thought that might shut you up.
	Later.