Shut Up And Listen 87

Target: Canada
Apparently Osama bin Laden lists Canada as one of the countries he wants to attack. This was revealed this week from a tape found where he speaks of what he plans to do.
	Well, no shit.
	I never would have guessed that the US’ closest ally and neighbour would be a target for bin Laden. But of course, this is big news because people love being scared and nothing is scarier these days then a bunch of guys from the Middle-East who praise Allah and want to bring down the Empire Of America. I mean that image practically makes me wet myself. Almost.
	That’s not the point though; the point is that because the world in general doesn’t seem to know much about Canada, I’d help out the terrorists and recommend some targets and also tell them which seemingly good targets suck.

Target #1: The Air Canada Centre and the Skydome
This is an excellent target, especially on a Saturday night when the Leafs are playing. The best time would be a Toronto/Montreal game because that would strike fear and terror into all Canadians. The two biggest hockey teams in Canada wiped out? That’s big. Also, wiping out the Skydome would make it so the Blue Jays have nowhere to play, and that would piss off old men across the country in record numbers.

Target #2: Parliament (Or any provincial capital building)
This is a horrible target. No good. First off, Canadians’ relationship to our political leaders is not akin to that of Americans’. If the Prime Minister was killed tomorrow, sure we’d think it kind of sucks, but for the most part, we’d move on. Blowing up Parliament would solve more problems than create. Firstly, it would eliminate all that Chretien/Martin Liberal leadership crap that we’ve been forced to hear about for the past six months or so. And secondly, it would kill a bunch of politicians (many of them extremists in one sense or another), and that’s always a plus. So if you bomb Parliament, you HELP Canada, not hurt.

Target #3: The CN Tower
This is a great target, because if it falls down, it’ll block a lot of traffic. Killing people is one thing, but blocking traffic is REAL terrorism. People don’t care about people dying; they do care about getting where they want to go on time and quickly. 

Target #4: Anything in Quebec
People don’t like Quebec, so would cheer. Stay out of that province.

Target #5: Anything In Alberta
This would piss off Ralph Klein, which would make the rest of us have to listen to his bitching, so Alberta is a great place to hit. Maybe some of their oil fields. Yeah, that would piss Klein off a lot, and therefore annoy the rest of us a lot.

Target #6: Anything in Atlantic Canada, British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, or the territories
People don’t care about Atlantic Canada, British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, or the territories, so there’s no point.

Target #7: The Bridge Between Windsor And Detroit
The best target of all, because it not only pisses off Canadians going to the US, but also US teens who come to Ontario to take advantage of the fact that you only have to be 19 to buy alcohol. Denying teens of beer is the cruelest thing you can possibly do.

Target #8: Niagara Falls
Ruin tons of Honeymoons, and people get cranky without some good lovin’.

A quick summary: hit Toronto, Alberta’s oil fields, Niagara Falls or the bridge, but avoid the rest of the country because it’s worthless and no one cares about it. (Oh, and if you’re living in a part of Canada that I call “worthless” and say that “no one cares about it” then remember that I am steering the terrorists away from you, and that maybe you should pick another time to argue about how important and great your place is.)