Shut Up And Listen 84

Canada Is A Nation Full Of Wussies! AKA My Column For ARCHON
The Study
Scientists from MIT revealed the results of a two-year study that has proven that Canada, the nation to the United States’ direct north is a nation of wussies.
	The head researcher, Doctor Francis said, “We found that the amount of testosterone in Canadian males is about 65% less than that of American males. To put it simply: they’re a bunch of pussies and are ripe for invasion.”
	The Canadian Prime Minister, whose name we couldn’t be bothered to find said (we think), “I think that the results of that study are totally false and I would ask that the scientists apologise for releasing such a misleading study.”
	Doctor Francis responded by saying “Even their outrage is wussy-like. If they said the same about Americans, we’d just bomb ‘em. But they’re all like ‘Please don’t call us wussies. We don’t like that, it hurts our feelings.’ The fucker proved my point!”
	The study began in October of 2000 and studied groups of Canadian males across the country. It got started when a student at MIT discovered that a larger percentage of Canadians own guns than Americans, and yet their crime rates are far lower than America’s. “At first we thought it might just be cultural differences, but that meant is was our fault or something,” said student George Evans, who made this shocking discovery. “So we decided to research it. And it turns out that America’s culture isn’t to blame: Canadians are just wussies.”
	The study was conducted by a twelve-person research team that travelled across the country, taking physical and mental analyses of Canadian men, ranging from ages fourteen to sixty. It was found that 95% of Canadian males have a drastically lower amount of testosterone than American males. It should be noted that the remaining five percent were immigrants from various other countries and for them a study was done over a period of time that showed that their testosterone levels fall at an alarming rate everyday because of Canada’s “wussy-like” culture.
	“We think it has something to do with their universal healthcare system,” Doctor Francis said. “These men are growing up in a place where every time they get a little boo-boo, it gets fixed without their parents bitching at them about medical bills. They never learn to tough it out and play through the pain.” Essentially, the Canadian culture of being polite and helping others has made the men into wussies.
	To further prove their point, the researchers had American women go up to Canada and proceed to beat the crap out of Canadian men. A shocking two out of twenty-five men actually fought back, and even those men still lost the fight. 
	“We’ve also written a report for the American military stating that if they ever want to invade Canada, all they’ll need, by our estimation, are four troupes of Girl Scouts. This study has saved the US millions in, what could have been, useless military costs,” Francis told us.

The Interview	
We took the liberty of interviewing a Canadian male, aged 19 from Ontario and asked him what he thought of this study.

Us: What do you think of the results of this study?

Him: It’s obviously an American fabrication to justify their aggressive mannerisms. They don’t want to just fess-up that they’re a barbaric people who can’t grow up.

Us: I could kick your ass, you know.

Him: See, that’s my point. Someone insults you and your first thought is to respond with violence. What’s up with that?

Us: You want me to kick your ass? I will. Don’t think I won’t.

Him: Hey, what’s two plus two?

Us: That’s it: your ass is grass, pussy!

We went on the kick the little shit’s ass. He was taken to a local hospital soon thereafter.

The Interview 2
We went back ad interviewed the same teens two days later to see if he’d changed his opinions.

Us: Have you changed your opinions on the subject?

Him: muffled sounds that we couldn’t understand because his jaw was wired shut

Us: What?

Him: more muffled sounds

Us: Just answer the fucking question.

Him: muffled sounds

Us: That’s it, you little shit!

We kicked his ass some more, before the police arrived and asked us to politely stop and then vacate the building. When we asked them “Or else what?” they threatened that they’d be forced to ask us, but with a little more force in their voice. So we kicked their asses too.
	What a country of fucking pussies.

The American Response
Once the study was released, a large number of Americans voiced their opinions that we should invade Canada and teach them in the ways of manhood, American-style. But the majority of Americans preferred to just leave them alone and just make fun of them. When put to a vote, it was decided by a 89% majority (with a 12% voter turnout) that America will take the lazy route and not invade Canada, but instead mock it at every chance and also rename it “Wussyland”. 
	Wussyland’s King Wussy responded by saying, “Hey, that’s not nice!”
	This prompted the President to tell the King Wussy to “suck our dicks, you fucking wussies!”
	And that made the King Wussy challenge the President to a debate over the subject, which just made the President challenge the King Wussy to a fistfight. As of this publishing, no confrontation has occurred, which leads us to conclude that the King Wussy is just a big pussy.