Shut Up And Listen 81

The Duel In Kabul
The Advertising
Tonight on pay-per-view: The Duel In Kabul! Saddam versus Bush! Pistols at dawn! Ten paces, one survivor! Live from Kabul at nine North American Eastern Time (six Pacific)! Don’t miss the duel that will solve which country wins! Will Saddam make America his bitch finally or will Bush clean up his daddy’s mess? Tune in and find out!

The Pre-Match Hype: Interview With Bush
“Hi, this Chad Nevett, live in Kabul to bring you today’s duel. It’s about three hours before the duel is scheduled to begin and I’m here with one of the contenders, George “The Democratic Dictator” Bush, Jr. Hi, George.”
	“Hello. I am glad to be speaking with you.”
	“That’s great, George. It’s about three ours before the duel, how are you feeling?”
	“I am feeling good. I’m confidence in my skills at gun shooting so much that I will kill him before he can draw.”
	“Did you do any special training for this?”
	“I practiced with those prisoners we have locked up.”
	“I assume you used blanks for training purposes, right?”
	“They did.”
	“. . .”
	“I won.”
	“That’s great, George.”
	“America will have its victory over Saddam Hussein today.”
	“I don’t know. I saw Saddam and he looked pretty good with his duelling skills, man.”
	“Saddam will not have victory. Only America will.”
	“Cheat?”
	“What?”
	“You gonna cheat?”
	“. . . no.”
	“You’re gonna drop a nuke on Baghdad if you lose, aren’t you?”
	“Yes.”
	“Isn’t that being a sore loser?”
	“No, it’s a come-from-behind-victory where I come from.”
	“Yeah, I know.”
	“If Saddam doesn’t want to be nuclearized, he shouldn’t shoot me.”
	“But then you’ll shoot him. So he’s gonna get fucked by you either way.”
	“That’s the American Way.”
	“You’re fucked either way?”
	“Yup.”
	“The camera’s running, you know.”
	“What’s a camera?”
	“Okay . . . Any final words?”
	“America will prevail with me as its representative. I will shoot Saddam Hussein in the face and then let my dad rule over Iraqland with an iron fist like Hussein did.”
	“Uh, thanks. We’ll be back in a couple of minutes with Bush’s opponent, Saddam Hussein. Stay tuned.”

The Pre-Match Hype: Interview with Hussein
“Hi, this Chad Nevett and we’re back for the Duel In Kabul. I’m here with Saddam “Fuck You, America” Hussein. How you doing, Saddam?”
	“I’m feeling good, Chad. I’m feeling great. I am ready to shoot that fucker Bush, I am. He is fucking dead!”
	“Wow, you are like super-pumped-up!”
	“I’ve been taking speed for the last four hours on a pretty constant basis.”
	“You are pumped and you are alert. What kind of strategy are you going to be using?”
	“I am going to draw my gun first and then shoot Bush in the face. He will be fucking dead and then I will dance the dance of victory.”
	“That’s a great strategy, Saddam.”
	“Thanks, Chad. You want some speed?”
	“Uh, no. What kind of training have you been doing?”
	“I’ve been shooting civilians from the roof of my house.”
	“. . .”
	“I killed four hundred yesterday.”
	“Don’t shoot me.”
	“What?”
	“Please don’t shoot me.”
	“Oh, I never shoot anyone right before a duel. Ruins my concentration.”
	“*relieved sigh* Thanks.”
	“No problem, Chad. Speed?”
	“No. Thanks. What do you plan to do if you won?”
	“I’m going to wear a shirt that says ‘America Is My Bitch’ and then move into the White House.”
	“Bush said he’ll nuke Iraq if he’s shot.”
	“The fuck do I care? I’m moving to America. Fuck Iraq!”
	“You’re not a compassionate leader, are you?”
	“I don’t kill them all.”
	“Well, I guess that’s nice. Sort of.”
	“Speed?”
	“No. Thank you. Stop asking.”
	“Why don’t you want some speed?”
	“Any final words?”
	“When I rule America, free speed for all!”
	“Thanks, Saddam. And there you have it, ‘free speed for all.’ Who will win this duel? We’ll find out in just a few short hours.”

Pre-Match Hype: Boring Video Tapes Of Pointless Shit Before The Duel Starts That You Don’t Watch
“Fuck it. Just skip to the duel.”

The Duel In Kabul
“The time has come, people. In two minutes, two men will enter this crater, take ten steps and then one will die. How fucking cool is this? Let’s face it: either way the world wins. Oh! The announcer has just stepped into the middle of the crater with the ref.”
	“Time for the main event. Ladies and gentlemen: llllllllet’s get ready to rummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmble!”
	*loud cheering*
	“Entering from the West: the Dumbass From Texas; the Democratic Dictator; the Nuclearizer; George W. Bush, Jr.!
	“And entering from the East: the Wacky Iraqi; the Bush Basher; the Kuwait Krusher; Saddam Hussein!”
	“Wow, both men looked determined and ready to win. The ref is handing both their pistols and giving them instructions. Okay, it looks like they’re ready.”
	“Now take ten paces and then turn and draw. The winner will be the man who shoots the other. And begin . . . now!
	“One!
	“Two!
	“Three!
	“Four!
	“Five!
	“Six!
	“Seven!”
	BLAM!
	“Holy shit! Bush’s gun just went off and--”
	BLAM!
	“Saddam Hussein has just shot George Bush in the back! Bush is down! And Hussein is . . . dancing. Saddam Hussein is dancing over Bush’s body and yelling ‘Speed for all!’ It looks like Bush is dead. It looks like Saddam Hussein is the winner, folks. America is now Saddam Hussein’s bitch. I’m glad I live in Canada.”

The Aftermath
Saddam Hussein took over for Bush and did deliver on his promise of “speed for all.”
	Iraq was not “nuclearized” as Bush promised. Congress didn’t seem to see the big difference between Hussein being in charge instead of Bush, except now they had access to that sweet, sweet Iraqi oil.
	George Bush, Sr. made public statements where he disowned his late son, calling him a “commie pansy” and then made Saddam Hussein his “unofficial son.”
	America promptly stopped its support of Israel and “nuclearized” them.
	Chad Nevett still has not taken any of Saddam Hussein’s speed.


Excommunication Part 2
Last Saturday night, I sent out an e-mail to a bunch of priests and the London Diocese asking to be excommunicated. I’ve received two responses.
	The first was a very polite one telling me that although he regretted my choice, that I should follow my own path and then told me to write the perish where I was baptized and get my records from them. Very nice. Gotta love these modern priests with e-mail.
	The second was not so polite. Oh, he was not impressed with me one bit. Kind of funny.
	So, I guess I’m going to write to said perish. Funny thing though: that’s the perish that my grandparents still attend. This could get interesting.
	More next week, maybe.