Shut Up And Listen 64

Chad’s Guide To Mental Stability 
In these stressful times it is hard to stay in your right mind. I should now, as I know many crazy people. Hi, I’m Chad Nevett and for this edition of Shut Up And Listen I’m going to give you ten simple rules to follow if you want to be mentally stable.
	Now, I know what you’re saying. “Chad,” you’re saying, “I’ve been reading a lot of what you write and aren’t you the last person who should be giving advice on mental stability?” No! What appears to be mental instability on my part is really your mental instability confusing the two. 
	If you follow these ten simple rules, mental stability will follow. Or it won’t. Results may vary from person to person, you see. If you have a heart condition, contact your physician before reading. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading. And not to be taken internally.

The First Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: know when to let it out and know when to suck it up.
	There are times when it’s okay to cry. Times when you have to find a person to talk to and just bitch about your life. Then there are times when you have to take it. Times when keeping it in is best.
	Time to let it out: mom dies.
	Time to keep it in: toast gets burnt.
	Time to let it out: significant other of twenty years sleeps with best friend.
	Time to keep it in: hooker demands twenty bucks extra for your unusual request.
	Time to let it out: you’ve been shot in the chest by a mugger at a convenience store with your son watching and you don’t think you’ll make it.
	Time to keep it in: cops impound your weed even though it’s medicinal. 
	Do you see what I’m talking about here? You’ve got to be able to judge to severity of what has happened and whether or not it’s one of those things that might cause you to commit suicide or shoot up a bus station if kept in.

The Second Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: learn to let things go.
	Not everything is a big deal. So you go forty-eight on that test, big deal, just study hard for the next one and make up for it. Okay, that guy almost killed you when he cut you off, but what good will getting angry, following him home, sneaking up behind him, and kicking the shit out of him do? None. He still cut you off; not much you can do to change it.
	No, you’ve got to have a carefree attitude about things like that. Getting pissed at things like that is bad for the heart and makes it so that you have to eat healthy foods to avoid that quadruple bypass. If you keep calm and not blow a fuse every time things don’t go your way, you’ll live longer and be able to eat better tasting food.

The Third Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: learn to take responsibility for your actions.
	It is not your teacher’s fault you didn’t get into the college of your choice. It is not the guy in personnel’s fault you weren’t qualified for that job. It is not god’s fault that you were hit by lightning twelve times, are bald, crippled, mentally challenged, deaf, blind, unable to taste, impotent, diabetic, dying of cancer, ran over by a transport truck, electrocuted, killed in an airplane crash, resurrected by soviet scientists and then re-killed by some hunter of the un-dead. No, those all happened because you didn’t study enough, you didn’t try and get hired a place where you had a chance, and all that other stuff happened because you are a naughty, evil person who has committed such horrendous sins that you are lucky that’s all that’s happened to you.
	You don’t know how good it feels to stand up and say, “Yes, something shitty happened and dammit, it’s my fault! I fucked up! I was a complete bonehead and I’m sorry for it!” People don’t do it enough. And taking responsibility for your actions also means holding others responsible for their actions. Somebody goes and kills fifty people, don’t go blaming the music they listened to, the movies they watched or Internet columnists (especially the last one). 

The Fourth Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: positive reinforcement must be done in small doses.
	This could also be said as “Tell people the truth.” If someone does something good, yeah, tell them. But if someone fucks up, the best thing to do is, in a strong, yet compassionate voice tell them they fucked up and then call them a moron. You see, we are living in an age where kids are being raised with no notions of screwing up because parents treat them as if their shit don’t stink. Well, it does. Oh, lordy, how their shit stinks. 
	You don’t want a person to self-confidence problems, but you don’t want them to become arrogant bastards either. See, I’m proof of that. People are always telling me when I do good stuff and never when I fuck up, and I’m an arrogant bastard. See the correlation?

The Fifth Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: pessimism is a better outlook on life than optimism.
	If you think something bad is going to happen, you’ll always be right. See, with pessimism, you get a guarantee of what’s going to happen. It’s very reassuring to know that the shit will hit the fan. If you think only good is going to happen then you are going to be sorely disappointed when your car breaks down at a traffic light in the middle of downtown on a Friday afternoon. A pessimist can just go “Yeah, I saw that coming” and then move on with their life. 
	Oh, sure you could make an argument about how a negative outlook will bring forth negative results in life, but that’s not the point. Pessimists are always right and being right will make them happy. Self-fulfilling prophecy creates self-confidence.

The Sixth Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: go insane.
	Hey, once you’re insane, you can focus on being mentally stable. Staying insane is a form of mental stability. Seriously. You’re stable at insane. Much easier to stay insane than sane.

The Seventh Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: learn to love yourself.
	Firstly, shut up, you dirty, dirty bastard. I mean emotionally love yourself.
	Okay, sure you chronically wet the bed, enjoy digging up famous people’s corpses and fucking them, eat dung beetles, only watch Jerry Springer, shove travel brochures for Jamaica up your ass, glue your pubic hair to cheese, and send letters to the president requesting nude photos, but there’s got to be something good about you. You have to find those good qualities and try to focus on them (except when you think you need to change your bad habits).

The Eighth Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: get people to love you. *
	Popular people are the most mentally stable people in the world, so be like them.

*Note: if success is reached for rule eight, then you can ignore rule seven, as self-love can’t compare to superficial love from people who really don’t like you.

The Ninth Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: make fun of people different from you.
	Mocking those who are different will give you a sense of false power, which will improve your self-confidence. It was also make you feel like you’re part of the crowd and that you fit in. Acceptance can relieve stress and make you think highly of yourself. This could be the most important rule of mental health. *

*Note: this is not the most important rule of mental health; the tenth rule is. HA! I said “could” and not “is” so you can’t be mad! Eat it, you crazy bastard!

The Tenth Rule Of Being Mentally Stable: give me money.
	That’s right, I just gave you a guide to how to be mentally stable, so don’t you think you owe me some money? I predict that if you don’t give me money for making you mentally stable, you will not be able to live with yourself and will become mentally unstable. The guilt may even drive you to suicide. Now, you don’t want that to happen, do you? You can just Pay Pal whatever you feel is necessary to chevett13@yahoo.ca, okay? 

And there you have it, ten simple rules that will keep you mentally stable. You have my guarantee that they will work for everyone who follows them. *

*Note: guarantee not valid if you have read this guide.