Shut Up And Listen 60

Chad’s Guide To Sex
I have never had sex. Never even kissed a girl, but I’m here to tell you all about sex. I know some of you may be shaking your head in bewilderment at this and wondering what the fuck I can tell you about something I’ve never done. The answer is simple: lots. Just because I haven’t done it, doesn’t mean I haven’t studied it and while that doesn’t really make up for my lack of hands on experience, it should make for an interesting column (if only to see how big of an idiot I can make of myself).

#1: Sex is good. Never think of it as dirty or evil or something to be hidden (unless that helps get it up). Despite what your parents, teachers, religious leaders, politicians (excluding democrats), parents groups, religious groups, political parties (excluding the democrats), and various other people would have you believe, sex is good. In fact, many of these people who bad mouth sex just love to close the curtains, pop in a hardcore S&M, incest, bestiality video and yell shit like “Spank me hard, monkey-boy!”

Chad’s Sex Fact #1: Even priests like sex, so it can’t be too evil.

#2: Women like sex too, and if your girlfriend/wife/life-partner/one-night-stand-lady/hooker doesn’t then you’re just doing it wrong. The female orgasm is not a myth, nor is the clitoris. The sad truth is, often, the penis can’t do it for a woman though. Yes, for those who think all a woman needs is some good “deep dicking,” you are mistaken. What they most likely need is some good “deep licking” or some good “deep fingering.”

Chad’s Sex Fact #2: You are the result of your parents having sex. I’m sorry.

#3: Hookers are just dates where sex is guaranteed. Are you tired of working up the nerve to approach women, ask them out, take them out, listen to them drone on about their boring life and then only get a handshake in return? Well then, it’s time you took it to the streets and got yourself a prostitute! If all you really want is sex then they will be a refreshing change from your usual Saturday night, I’m sure. No small talk, no beating around the bush, just some of the good stuff. AND they don’t care if you worry about their needs. Just remember: no kissing . . . like you care.

Chad’s Sex Fact #3: Masturbation will not make you go blind. The fact that most geeks wear glasses is just a coincidence.

#4: The best love is not self-love, but self-love is pretty damn good, too. Okay, so say you don’t have enough money for a hooker or a date, what do you do? You take matters into your own hands, or hand. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. All you need are as follows:

For men: one picture of a women—preferably naked, one container of some kind to place the discharge—preferably a toilet or something disposable, three Kleenexes to clean up, and one sink to wash hand when done. Total time: approx. 4 minutes.

For women: fifty scented candles, dim mood lighting, two trashy romance novels, a comfortable bed with all sorts of throw pillows and junk, a satin nightgown, and a bubble bath prior to. Total time: approx. 3 hours.

Chad’s Sex Fact #4: Having anal sex with a woman does not make you gay, but having anal sex with a man who you think is the most gorgeous thing on the planet (if you are another man) does.

#5: Two’s a party and three’s . . . a bigger and more fun party. There is nothing wrong with having sex with more than one person at a time as long as everyone’s needs are satisfied. In the bedroom, unlike in real life, everyone is equal, so it ain’t over until everyone has finished.

Chad’s Sex Fact #5: A threesome shouldn’t be used as an excuse to have sex with another woman. It should be used as an excuse to have sex with your current girlfriend/wife/whatever and another woman at the same time.

#6: Role-playing isn’t just for gamers. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy fantasy life as long as the fantasies are healthy. 

Unhealthy fantasies: daddy and daughter, mommy and son, daddy and son, mommy and daughter, any combinations of the above, rapist and victim, prisoner of war and Viet Cong guard, priest and altar boy, Batman and Robin, ice cream man and housewife who can’t afford ice cream for her mentally challenged son, so she gets in the back of the ice cream truck and pays for it by reciting Shakespeare soliloquies from memory while he eats chunky monkey and gives her a foot massage (seriously, if you get off on that, you need help), the ever popular demon with a thousand tentacles and manga girl with big eyes, and anything involving Andy Shaw. All of these are unhealthy fantasies that should not be acted upon.

Healthy fantasies: teacher and naughty student, boss and naughty worker, plumber/FedEx Guy/electrician/mailman/cable guy/telephone repair man/the guy who hooks up your internet/next door neighbour/internet columnist/painter/any guy who happens to be walking down the street and naughty housewife/husband, pilot and steward/stewardess, Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, and I think that’s all of them.

Chad’s Sex Fact #6: Ball-gags aren’t just for people into S&M, they are also useful if you’re at her parents’ house and she’s a screamer.

That’s it. That’s all I know. Hopefully I helped you in some way. Provided some new information. Provided some entertainment. Whatever.

*Note: the above was meant as humour and nothing more. Oh, sure, some truth was in certain parts, but the main objective was to entertain. If you were offended by anything, keep in mind that I just wrote the first thing that popped into my head and didn’t really censor myself too much. It was my intent to argue against certain stereotypes in a humorous way, but I may have promoted some too (like the one about women and masturbation—I’m sure not ever woman does all that). I apologise if you found this to be the case. And at this point, I’m just rambling, so I’ll stop now.*