Shut Up And Listen 36 Sunday November 18, 2001 Just Another Lazy Sunday Matt Good plays in the background, my red, black and yellow Wolverine shirt hangs loosely on me, pudding has been just been made—making a mess in the process (had to cook it in the microwave)—, been reading more Hunter Thompson, mom and dad are putting up the Christmas lights outside, and I sit here, talking to you in the future. Strat calls me the new Hourman for my mastery of time zones and what time it is in places where my friends are. I prefer to think of it applying to my use of time travel to give information on a conscious level. The future supposed to be good; maybe this will bring it back to the past a little. I was reading Larry Young's column today and he was talking about how Hunter Thompson used to pick up the Bible, turn to a random page and point if he was having trouble writing. Young went on to say he's done that, but not just with the Bible, but other book. So, I have decided to do that. I shall now pick up a book, comic or magazine . . . Transmetropolitan: Lust For Life is what I've got. Now, I will turn to as random page and point . . . "And writing. I can't stop, even now. This goddamned city makes me write even when it wants me dead," is what Spider types as he hides in a public porto-potty. I guess I'll write about that. So, today, I'm sitting in the bathroom, reading a few passages here and there from Et Tu, Babe by Mark Leyner and thinking about how much I love that book. If you haven't read it, or anything by Leyner, then you should. It's my favourite book, actually. I was reading this one passage where Mark—it's a faux autobiographical tale—goes back to the neighbourhood where he grew up and goes looking for his old friend Rocco. He asks one guy he used to know where Rocco was these days and the guy says Rocco's been bakin' doughnuts. Mark has no idea what this term means, but assumes from the tone of the other guy's voice that it's something bad. Mark walks away wondering what it means. Does it mean he's doing nothing at all? Making zeroes? Or is he smoking a lot of crack? Blowing rings in his brain? Or is he making a lot of money? A lot of zeroes in his pay? Or maybe bakin' means controlling and doughnuts mean vaginas. Maybe he's pimping. Mark is so engrossed in his thoughts that he runs into someone on the street. This someone turns out to be Rocco himself. They talk pleasantries and Mark eventually tells him that he heard he was bakin' doughnuts. Rocco goes mad, throws Mark to the ground, yells at him for thinking such a thing and Mark tells him he didn't believe it anyways. They walk away talking, but Mark still has no idea what bakin' doughnuts means. I love that scene. I was thinking I should have signed up to do this book for the booktalk I have to do in writer's craft instead of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas by Hunter Thompson—which is supposed to be very good, too. People need to be exposed to Leyner's writing and dammit, I am the man to do it! So, the point of the story is: yes, I read in the bathroom. Interview With . . . Andy Shaw! What's that? You've never heard of Andy Shaw? That's okay, neither had I until last April. Andy is a guy on the boards, you see. He is one of the "elders" as it were. One of the respected. You mess with him, you mess with us all. You know, all that stuff. Last night, I updated this site and was posting a message on those boards about it. I called the topic something along the lines of "Interview with no one around here likes" because of Joe Casey's remarks on message boards. Andy commented on how it wasn't one with him and I asked if he'd like to do one, right there and then. So, we spent the next few hours doing a live interview on the message boards. It was great. Four pages of questions and answers. My favourite part was one comment from wader: "I can't believe I'm actually sitting here, waiting for the next response." (Or something like that). I was going to just post a link to it, but Gob, moderator of the boards, deleted it (damn you!). Luckily, Andy had the foresight to copy it down, so here it is for your reading pleasure. The Chevett: Yes, I interviewed Joe Casey. No, I didn't ask about his remarks as I felt no need. It's a pretty good interview and it's in this week's Shut Up And Listen. Not only that, but there is also a new Cataract Resin by Entity (I think--about who wrote it, not that there is one). A new weekly called Obskewed View makes it first appearance. It's written by Troy "Strategist" Doney. AND, another column called The Buggering Of Canada by me is up. Along with a short story about Vietnam called Patriots. Over an hour spent updating! Damn! Papa Andy: quote: Originally posted by The Chevett: "Yes, I interviewed Joe Casey." I was gonna say, I can't remember you interviewing me. The Chevett: You want to be interviewed? Papa Andy: Well that wasn't the intention of my post, but if you want to interview me . . . thrillho: I want to see an Andy Shaw interview! The Chevett: Want to do it here and now? Live interview with Andy Shaw! What do you say? thrillho: I'm up for it! The Chevett: Okay, sure. Doesn't matter to me. Sorry, Andy, he beat ya to it. 1) Tell us a little about yourself. A mini bio. Papa Andy: quote: Originally posted by The Chevett: "Okay, sure. Doesn't matter to me. Sorry, Andy, he beat ya to it. 1) Tell us a little about yourself. A mini bio." Well I'm 19 years old, I live in a small crappy cul de sac in the North West of England called barrow in furnace. I came to be as the result of a drunken fumble in a backstreet outside a local pub and a broken condom machine. I'm a uni student and I spend my spare time watching movies, reading comics and writing sketches . . . Oh and I'm drunk. The Chevett: Watch as I maybe do two interviews at once! 2) Andy, what kind of sketches? Can we read them anywhere? Papa Andy: Generally obscure/offensive pop culture commentaries. Kinda like Family Guy cutaways . . . My friends always get kicks out of me making them up, so I write them down and elaborate on them. You'll be able to read them all once me and my mate Kryz get out monkeyfresh.org back into gear, I've given up on the flash animation thing and I'm just going for straight out verbal comedy . . . The Chevett: 3) QUICK! Tell a joke! Papa Andy: I don't make my own jokes up, I only do stupid skits so here's a joke I've stolen . . . What's worse than finding a dead baby in a bin? Finding ten dead babies in a bin. ------ What worse than finding ten dead babies in a bin? Finding one dead baby in ten bins. (please don't shoot me) The Chevett: That sucked. 4) What are you doing right now? (I'm trying to buy time until the general questions). Papa Andy: I'm getting very drunk whilst watching the Simpsons Halloween Special XII. And eating chilli crackers . . . What do you mean they sucked? They are the only jokes I could think of . . . The Chevett: They still sucked. 5) What are you drinking to get drunk? Papa Andy: Suck did they? I'll show ye . . . Errm a 24 crate of Stella Artois and half a bottle of vodka . . . and some Pepsi . . . but that doesn't get me drunk just stops the vodka from tasting like pish. The Chevett: So, Pepsi and vodka actually make the other one taste good? 6) Boxers or briefs? Papa Andy: On the vodka/vodka affair, I'd rather have Coke but my parents are idiots. Cheap idiots. I'm usually going commando but when I need protection from chafing, I'm a boxers kinda guy. The Chevett: Coke and boxers, baby! 7) Cats or dogs? (I know, such a wussy question). Papa Andy: I gave wayyyyyyy too much information there . . . I apologise. Dogs, cats are arrogant bastards plus they have a habit of leaping out my groin. Does anyone else get that? The Chevett: I hate both as I'm afraid of dogs and cats are as Andy described them. 7) Summer or winter? Papa Andy: Hmmmmmmmm winter, I never take my coat off as it is and it just seems a lot more comfortable to wear my coat in the cold. Plus I like it when I can see my breath . . . it's like I'm a dragon or something . . . oooooh! The Chevett: Winter rocks! 8)Any cool stories involving a chick? (and tell if you have one or two or more . . .) Read the rest at The Boards. Remember, though, page one is gone. Tuesday November 20, 2001 Today My School Burned Down Okay, so it didn't, but there is a story in that. I'm sitting in law and the fire alarm went off. Most of us just thought it a drill and were just peeved. Then, as Tubby Bitch and I, along with about a hundred or two others—only those from our fire exit—froze our asses off in the cold November wind, some fire trucks arrived, sirens blaring. For the next twenty minutes, we stood out there, wondering what was going on. We could see no smoke and I noticed the power was still on in the school, so there were no physical signs of a fire (besides the alarm and the trucks). All of a sudden, the alarm stopped and we returned back inside. When we got back in, they announced that the fire alarm went off because of burnt toast in the teacher's lounge and the smoke it produced. And The Someone Stole From The School Yes, my school has been a buzzin' lately with various things. The foremost is probably the news of a teacher/football coach stealing cash and valuables from the students/players bags in the locker room. Now, apparently this has been going on for a while and it had some people wondering. This past Friday or Saturday, a student/player left his video camera in the locker room to catch whoever was doing it. The camera recorded this teacher/coach rummaging through bags and taking money and watches and stuff like that. The student/player who did this showed the principal and he, along with some staff and parents went to the teacher/coach's house to confront him. They waited for a while and called the police, so that they would be there too. At about 2 am, he arrived home, drunk. The cops then arrested him for drunk driving and no charges of theft have been laid. He is currently suspended without pay and has been condemned by pretty much everyone. I, personally, don't care too much. If he did it, he should be punished. If he didn't, his life, kind of, sucks now, don't it? The thing I wonder about is: how come the guy didn't take the camera? Wouldn't he have seen it? Advertisement Rebel I find myself sitting here while watching TV, making fun of commercials. They will say a statement and I will rebut it. I wouldn't consider this unusual, except I found myself making fun of EVERY commercial; even ones for charities and such. There's one for cancer research and a lottery, okay? It says near the end "When you help fight cancer, you can't lose," and I always end up going, "But what if it isn't cured?" I think I may have a problem. My everlasting distrust of the media and advertising has made me bitter to all of it, even worthy ones. There's one for children's aid in Africa where they show a small girl and say, "Can you look her in the eyes for ten seconds?" I tried; they only left her up for eight. The thing I didn't like about this one was that they got a cute, well-groomed, clean, little girl; one that could be the neighbours' daughter. If you think all the kids there look like that, you wonder how different it really is from here. Now, if they put up a child suffering from a horrible disease or three, and wasn't clean at all. Essentially, a horrid sight for the eyes, I think they would be more effective. That, and if they actually left the picture up for ten seconds. Wednesday November 21, 2001 Freaks & Geeks I've been thinking lately about those two groups. It all started when Strat and I were talking about his column this week—doesn't it kick ass? I was saying how reading all the Thompson lately has made me get into politics, the idea of killing the government and just generally, getting me all riled up. We were talking about politics and such and how we both want to change things and make them better. I mentioned something about geeks and he said we should appal to the freaks too. This got me thinking about freaks & geeks, and the shared interests and differences. It appears to me that we—and for the definition of geeks, I'm going towards the ones that I know, many of whom are similar to me—share a similar need to fight the establishment. But, the key difference is the methods, in my mind. Us geeks try to change things through a more political and peaceful manner, while freaks try to do it by two ways: sitting around, drinking and getting high, and by just not doing anything they want them to. Both groups lack respect, mainly from one another. It's not only a battle against the government/establishment/authority, but against each other. I know this mainly through my dealings with both groups—myself being a geek. I know some geeks (Lunchbox, The Captain, Tubby Bitch) and I know some freaks (Anarchy, Woody). From this I notice that geeks try to be more productive, in a sense, in what they do. They notice habits, make observations and then use what they see and learn against those they go after. Freaks are often too caught up in their own world of hedonism to notice what's going on—and please, don't take this as an insult freaks, as it's true. The ones I know spend almost all their time, effort and money trying to escape reality through alcohol and drugs. Honestly, I can see why those in power don't take them seriously at times. This is not to say they are dumb or do not know what's going on, they just don't seem to care as long as they're getting their fix of whatever substance will warp their minds for a few hours. But this is probably my distaste of such things leaking through again. I don't know why I don't like them, but that's how I feel. Escaping reality doesn't help, but then again, neither does what I'm doing, so . . . I don't know. Friends The US should really watch out what happens after they do what they want done in Afghanistan. Anyone remember how they aided Iraq against Iran in their war? Or how they help the Taliban get into power and fight the Soviets? The US has a pretty bad track record with helping people in the Middle East and if the Northern Alliance comes out on top, the US would be best to stay active in their development. At least enough so that they don't start attacking them in ten-twenty years. Thursday November 22, 2001 The Plan Lunchbox apprised my of his plan the other day. I mentioned this, didn't I? Yes, he told me he had a plan to help me get The Girl and get rid of That Guy She's Going Out With Who I Hate Even Though I've Never Met Him And He Sounds Like A Pretty Nice Guy. I told you how I didn't think he had a plan. How he was just making it up to piss me off. You wanna know what his plan was? To wait a few months until they break up on their own. You know, the plan that I've been going with. The Best Conversation Ever: The Sequel Okay, first go back and read my seventh column and then come back. All caught up on The Best Conversation Ever? Good. Well, today I'm sitting in the forum on my spare—which is another story in itself—and Lunchbox isn't here—yet another story, but one I don't think I'm going to tell—so I'm sitting with The Girl and a few of her friends. Of course, I am the only guy there and they took it upon themselves to reaffirm the fact that I am a non-male entity. They were reading this month's Cosmopolitan and some article on sex and fantasies or something. You see where I'm going with this? I remember only vague parts of the conversation, sadly. One portion involved talking about sex and a position called The Helicopter—take a guess at what happens there—and how it would be physically impossible unless the girl weighed about five pounds. And then was talk of licking eyelids. And sluts and being in porn movies for their boyfriends, but with another guy. I should have taken notes. In fact, as I listened, I noted that I should have taken notes, but didn't. Saturday November 24, 2001 Lunches In The Forum Yes, once again it is time for the school play and for the cafeteria to become the forum because our cafeteria isn't a cafeteria, it's a cafetorium. Yes, when my school was built, they combined the two to save money and it has been the biggest inconvenience in my life since . . . ever. I want to hunt down the designer and all those responsible and beat them with my hockey stick. All By Myself Yes, the family has left me alone again. They went to my aunt and uncle's for a family soiree and I opted not to go and sit in the back with my sisters. I'm just going to see these people in a month, so it's not a big deal. Have read comics, listened to music, watch episodes of the cancelled Clerks animated series that I got from the Internet. Good times.