Shut Up and Listen 26 Monday September 10, 2001 Happy Anniversary! Yes, this is the halfway mark for my first year of doing this column. Shit, that’s a long time. And for a special treat, here’s my audio rendition of my “Downtown” story that can be found on the site. Now, the way I tell it verbally is always a little different, so it reads more naturally, so that’s why it may not be the exact same as the transcript. It can be downloaded here. Well, here’s to that and hopefully another half-year and beyond! “Serious Writers” That’s what writer’s craft is supposed to be for. At least that’s what we told on the first day. “If you’re not a serious writer, you shouldn’t be in this class.” Then we got the mind map assignment. It is essentially pasting all your major influences on bristle board. It’s work for children in grade 3. I understand the motivation behind it, a writer exploring their influences. But not in this way. It’s dumb, tedious and frankly a waste of my time. I did it though. What? I want to do good. Fuckface Remember, there is only one absolute Truth in the universe: Chad is a fuckface and proud of it. Tuesday September 11, 2001 Living History That’s what happened today. History was made. We were all present to see history. How does it feel? How does it taste to you? Pretty shitty, I’ll bet. What happened today was pure shit. I understand the motivation of not liking the US and many of their policies, but . . . YOU DO NOT ATTACK FUCKING CIVILIANS, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, COCKSUCKERS! I’ll have more tomorrow. Wednesday September 12, 2001 More I want to clarify what I said above: I have in the past written numerous columns that criticized the United States of America and some of the actions it has taken. Yesterday’s attack does not change my opinions, it just means I won’t be spouting them off for a while. While I am against some qualities of America, I would never, NEVER, condone any violence in any way for any reason. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am anti-violence in real life. Violence is wrong. But a part of me does hope they find the bastards who did this and make them pay. Violently and painfully. Honestly, I am upset only at the loss of life and not the fact that America was attacked. If it was a purely symbolic attack with no lives lost or even injured, then I wouldn’t be that upset. The thousands of people that have died and were injured, though, disgusts me and I am truly sorry for what happened. My fears are now of the future. This is a perfect excuse for the military to have a larger role in the country. This attack will make the US take a step or two back in terms of international progress. Most likely, within six months, they will be at war and Canada with them. This scares me shitless. I know that I will not go to war. I won’t allow it. I’ll go to jail first, but I am an idealist, so I see this as a bit of reality crushing my idealism. I liked to think that we, as a global community, was beyond shit like this and we aren’t. That scares me. Again, my thoughts and hopes are with the entire United States, but I can’t help but remember in an issue of Transmetropolitan or something like that, the mention of Lake Afghanistan (actually, I checked and it was Lake Baghdad, but pretty close, no?). Interview With . . . Rich Johnston! This guy does my favourite internet column on comics (aside from Warren Ellis’ one that comes out every now and then). He writes a great rumour column called All The Rage. He’s broken some big stories, and was wrong about some too. Waking up and reading his column makes Sundays pretty enjoyable. Still hope he’s wrong about The Monarchy being cancelled, but hope he’s right about it being relaunched as a “mature readers” title if it is cancelled. Me: Tell us a little about yourself. Johnston: Born a Midlander, raised a Northerner, now a Londoner, I work in advertising. So I'm used to writing bullshit. I'm married with two lovely mortgages. Me: How did you get involved in writing? Johnston: Just picked up a pen. Then a keyboard. Blame my Dad for forcing me to listen to The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy when young. Me: What have you written and where can it be seen? Johnston: 7 issues of Dirtbag and 6 issues of X-Flies, all available from www.twistandshoutcomics.com. Ads, comedy TV and radio sketches, monologues for stand up comedians, newspaper feature articles, and All The Rage, the most recent name for the longest running piece comics reportage on the net. Me: How did you start doing All The Rage? Johnston: Well, originally Rich's revelations on Usenet was basically me copying stuff from the new Comics International for the US market. It grew. Me: What's been, in your opinion, your biggest story in All The Rage? Johnston: Probably three way tie between the cancellation of Stormwatch and commissioning of The Authority, the “Knight of The Long Knives” at the Batbooks, where the writers got their marching orders by fax, last thing on a Friday night and Talking With Joe Illidge About DC Comics, a discussion which touched on institutionalized racism and sexism at DC Comics. Me: What's been, in your opinion, the “story” where you were the most off in All The Rage? Johnston: Gotta be Frank Quitely leaving Authority for Daredevil. I hang my head in shame. Me: Have any pros ever gotten really pissed at you for some things you've put in your column? Johnston: Neil Gaiman threatened lawyers. Robin Riggs and Mark Waid threatened physically. Joe Quesada shouted my head off via e-mail. Grant Morrison shouted it off over the phone. I hear there have been meetings at DC and Marvel about how to deal with me. And Kurt Busiek wrote an issue of Astro City about how much of a shit I was and called me a moron on a Comics Journal interview. I can live with that. Me: Boxers or briefs? Johnston: Boxers. Me: Summer or winter? Johnston: Winter. Me: Cats or dogs? Johnston: Cats. Me: Any cool stories involving a chick? Johnston: All of them in California. Me: I just gave you a case full of 100 untraceable bullets like in 100 Bullets, who do you use them on? Johnston: An American high school. I guess I'm just a traditionalist. Me: What comics are you currently digging? Johnston: Ug, Top Ten, Viz, Black Panther, Cerebus, Finder and Dork. Me: Who are your favourite writers? Johnston: Alan Moore, Steven Moffat, Douglas Adams, Andy Hamilton, Colin Bateman, Russell Davies, Joss Whedon, PG Wodehouse, Dave Sim, Jon Ronson, Julie Burchill, Aaron Sorkin and Paul O'Brien. Me: Who's you hero? Johnston: Steven Moffat. Now there's a writer . . . Me: Got any juicy rumours you can share? Johnston: All I can share is in the column. All I can't . . . well you'll have to buy me a pint sometime. Me: How did you get people to just start telling you things they overheard? Did it take you a long time to build up a trustworthy contact base? Johnston: People are blabbermouths. They rarely need much encouragement. But it’s been useful to have intern or lowly sources who have risen in the company they're employed in . . . Me: Are you ever given misinformation on purpose by some people just to get you, do you think? Johnston: Joe Quesada pretended to be an anonymous Marvel editor once, feeding me the rumour that Uncle Ben was going to be revealed as molesting Peter Parker when young . . . Me: Who do you love? Johnston: My wife, Janice. The West Wing (although that's more of a brief affair). And custard-filled doughnuts. Me: Any final words? Johnston: Don't believe the hype. When anyone leaved a company after a “mutual” decision, they're lying. Comics creators use more drugs than even their writing would suggest. Hardly anyone except Beau Smith could take you in a fight. When a creator moves imprints, there's been a fight. Authority and Judge Dredd being bad guys is a joke that Americans haven't got yet. Spider-man, at heart, is a love story. And I can be bought off -- just no one's actually tried yet. Thursday September 13, 2001 Worries Did you know that I sent the above stuff on the terrorist attack and the US to some American friends of mine to make sure it wasn’t offensive. I also pulled next week’s Let Me Tell You column in favour of another one. The one I had planned on running was my version of DC’s Our Worlds At War and it was pretty heavy in some respects. Although, if anyone wants to see that column, just e-mail me and I’ll send it (but no complaining about anything if I do). Never really thought about shit like that before. It used to be: if I offend someone, good, who cares? Not now though. I must say that I applaud the way the US is working together now. It is really good to see. And the way that the media has been focussing on the positive stuff for the past few days is heart-warming. You don’t hear nearly as much about the number of dead as you do about blood donations, people who are rescued and the people who are salvaging the sites. It’s really nice to see. The Girl--An Update I’m trying to restore a sense of normality into the column. I’ve said what I’ve wanted to, so I’m giving you something that you won’t find anywhere else: news about The Girl. Okay, so I don’t have much. Spare is great though. Have gotten a chance to talk to her a bit, and her friends. Mostly I just listen to them. I’m probably just imagining this, but she seems to look at me and smile. I don’t know if it’s real or just wishful thinking, but I like it. Soon I will try a move if I think I’ve got a shot. Don’t forget about the ex-factor. Friday September 14, 2001 Chad’s Condensed Comics--A Sample Yes, I ripped this off from Gail Simone. I needed something for next week’s Let Me Tell You and did some of these, none of which Gail did, I think. Here are a couple who do not appear in that column as I wrote the column yesterday and these this morning. Gen13 Grunge: Boobies! Roxy: He’s so sweet! Fairchild: Why can’t the artist ever draw me with clothes on? Rainmaker: Grunge is such a sexist pig. Grunge: Boobies! The Monarchy Jackson: I speak in metaphors and symbols all the time, but everything I say has a deep meaning in the book. Visit the Monarchy message board to have the blanks filled in for you. Union: I was dead and now I just want to make evil people my bitches. Christine: I love music! Hitler’s Soul: *whimper* Please take these in the spirit they were intended: humour. I love both of these books. Saturday September 15, 2001 Happy Anniversary Pt. 2 Yeah, great week, eh?