Shut Up and Listen 20 Sunday July 29, 2001 The Girl I wrote these thoughts at about three in the morning this morning in my column notebook. I thought I’d share. I am feeling good. Shit, better than good; goddamn fucking great. She said “Exact change,” leaned forward, “I like that.” That moment in time has become a cherished memory already. I can hear His voice in the back of my head. He’s beginning to break loose. The Pragmatic Me is waking up. As I left the store the Idealistic Me tapped Him on the shoulder, said “Fuck you, bitch” and hit Him with a hockey stick for a while. The tied Him up, gagged Him and drugged Him. I can’t let Him out. I can’t let Him ruin it. “I like that.” Damn, that makes me feel good. I had a dream last night with her in it. We were sitting and talking. As I went to leave she asked what I was doing the next day. I think it was a good sign. Man, I looked good though. Haircuts that’s a week old, shaved today (and my family thought it was because I was tired of their bitching about it), wearing a two week old shirt and my favourite pair of jeans. It was me at my best. The memory is driving me crazy. I want to go see her right now. I want to talk to her for longer than 40 seconds. Hell, I want to go find out if she likes me. “I like that.” Was she flirting with me? The Pragmatic Me is getting louder . . . “I like that.” I feel fan-fugu-tastic. Monday July 30, 2001 My Dad’s A Communist That’s my second historical story for Twisted Gate and I sent in the first script last night and the second about half an hour ago. It’s pretty good I think. Also, been talking to the guy who’s drawing Twisted Gate Presents number 6, which means he’s drawing part 3 of After Sol. He says he’s done all of my stuff. We talked a little and I answered a question or two. Also sent him parts 1 and 2. This is so cool. Tuesday July 31, 2001 Chevett Poll Results For July Here are the results: Question 1: Who is hotter? 1.) Jeri Ryan--2 votes--22% ? 2.) Nikki Cox--2 votes--22% ? 3.) Jessica Alba--4 votes--44% ? 4.) Britney Spears--1 vote--11% ? 5.) Christina Aguilera--she got zero Question 2: Which Is Better, Socialism Or Capitalism? 1.) Socialism--6 votes--67% ? 2.) Capitalism--1 vote--11% ? 3.) Gwah?--2 votes--22% Question 3: Do You Believe In A God? ??? 1.) Yes, Strongly--2 votes--22% ? 2.) Yeah, but I don't do anything about it--2 votes--22% ? 3.) Nope--5 votes--56% A new set of questions are up. Please, if the question involves you check the right box as i set aside one especially for you. Read Savant It’s a pretty good online comic magazine. It’s at www.savantmag.com. I’ve read a few articles from the current and past issues and they are good. Check it out. Wednesday August 1, 2001 Interview With . . . Authorised! Authorised is a good friend of mine now. Like so many others, we met on the Authority message boards and later in HIDA. He colours some good shit. He’s also pretty funny and has an accent that is easy to understand. Me: Okay. Tell us all about yourself. Authorised: Well, whaddya wanna hear? Me: Whatever you want to tell me. Name, where you live what you do that sort of thing. Authorised: I'm 21, male, live in Rugby in the centre of England. Authorised: Oh yeah, my name's Karl Smith. And that's the truth. Authorised: As far as looks go, right now I look like Spider Jerusalem before he came off the mountain. Me: I hear you colour. Authorised: Yes I do. Authorised: And one day I will professionally. Me: What have you done? Authorised: Nothing published, but I've done a fair bit of art sent to me from boarders, and some Transmet stuff. Authorised: Also, I started an 8 page Batman piece, and I'm working with 2 other guys on a web-based project. Me: Really? What's the project? Authorised: It's called Scoop. Me: And what's it about? Authorised: It's about a well-respected superhero who is killed -- but he shouldn't have been. Authorised: Something's not right, and his teammates need to get to the bottom of it. Me: Cool. Who else is doing it? Authorised: Scott (Lord Kinbote) and Craig (Martialstorm) from The HIDA. Me: Can any of your colouring be found on any amazing websites? Authorised: Dunno about amazing, but... ? Authorised: Yeah, there's some up at Selkie's site. Authorised: Oh, and there's a lot up on yours, too ? Me: Yeah at right here. Authorised: That's right. Thanks for the exposure guys. Me: No prob. Now, I KNOW you have a cool story involving a chick. Tell it, man. Authorised: OK, this is what happened, not a word of a lie. One girl was writing her diary in the canteen. She left, and without realising it, left her diary on the table. Now, another girl, somewhat maliciously, picked up the diary, and flicked to a random page. She stood up on the table and proceeded to announce to all gathered: “I don't know if I should write this, but I finger myself.” This was followed by the most high-pitched scream audible to human ears. The owner of the diary charged at the malicious little bitch and rugby tackled her off the table. There then follows the largest bitch-fight in the entire school's history. Girls joining in, screaming, scratching, pinching. Me and my friend, Rayner left for a game of chess, remembering that “Girls mature faster than boys.” Me: I love that story, man. Authorised: All good fun. Me: So, boxers or briefs? Authorised: Boxers. Me: Cats or dogs? Authorised: Dogs. They're so much more loyal. Me: Winter or summer? Authorised: Dunno, tell you the truth. Summer's nice, but I like winter, because it signals change. I like change. Authorised: So winter. Me: Now I've just handed you a case full of 100 untraceable bullets. Who do you kill? Authorised: Nobody. Killing would make me less than human. I would, however, maim a few people. Me: Like who? Authorised: Bill Gates, Any big corporate boss (McDonalds, Coca-cola, etc.), anyone who thinks that money is more important than human life. Me: Yeah! Fight the man! Authorised: Yeah! With guns! Me: Okay, how long have you been reading comics? Authorised: Well. I started on “The Beano”. Hahaha!!! Authorised: Later, when I was 10 or so, I realised that 2000AD was actually better. By miles. But I only started reading American comics a few years ago. Me: And you just recently read Watchmen I understand. Authorised: Yes. It's required reading, and people had threatened to kill me if I didn't. Authorised: With guns. Me: How about The Dark Knight Returns? Read it yet? Authorised: . . . Authorised: No . . . Me: I'll kill you! ? Authorised: Please don't kill me . . . Authorised: With guns. Me: Favourite member of the Authority. Authorised: Jenny Sparks. Hands down pants. Authorised: Hands down pants. Me: Heh. Me: I'd rather have Angie. Authorised: Nah. She's too . . . er . . . metal. Me: She's hotter. Authorised: Hotter than a corpse? Not hard. Authorised: But jenny won't say no. Me: Like Angie would? She slept with the Doctor! Authorised: There you go. That's why I wouldn't. Me: I realized that after I wrote it. Authorised: Dunno WHAT she's got. Authorised: “Yeah, I could get the clap! That gives me the horn.” Me: I'm sure she probably has found a cure for it. Authorised: Yes. Shall we move on? Me: Who is your hero? Authorised: In comics or in general? Me: Real life. Authorised: Linus Torvalds, writer of Linux. Me: okay . . . Authorised: Here's a man that thought “I know, I'll make a better OS than Windows.” Authorised: Then sat down and did it . . . Authorised: And made it freely available . . . Authorised: Including the source code . . . Authorised: Oops, sorry. I do love Linux. Me: That's okay. Fave comic hero? Authorised: Spider Jerusalem is my comic hero. Me: Yeah! Authorised: I can relate to him more than anyone else. I share his views on so many subjects. And I can feel his influence whenever I argue. Me: Which Authority story arc has been your favourite? Authorised: I liked The Sliding Albion one waaay back in issues 5-8. And I liked the God one too (9-12) Me: Really? Authorised: Yeah. It was predictable, and I had dealt with the fact that Jenny would die . . . but still . . . I liked it. Authorised: I preferred Ellis' run to Millar's. Me: Me too. Although The Nativity kicked ass. Authorised: And I loved DePuy's colours. Me: Is she your fave colourist? Authorised: No, I am ?. Only joking. DePuy is a goddess. Me: So she's your fave? Who else do you like? Who do you go to for inspiration? Authorised: I use her name in vain often. I sometimes like subtle, yet consistent colours. Such as Nathan Eyering's. But my main inspirations are not comic colourists at all. Me: Like who? Authorised: People like Lichtenstein. Giger for his astonishing use of the airbrush. And some purely canvas-based comic artists like Simon Bisley and Kev Walker. My goal is to produce computer-coloured art, which is indistinguishable from painted art. Me: Who's your fave artist? Authorised: Fave artist would be Giger or Dali. Me: Writer? Authorised: Comics would be Warren Ellis, John Wagner and Ben Raab. Authorised: Novels would be Mickey Zucker Reichert or Tom Holt. Me: How about favourite TV show? (hee hee hee) Authorised: Brass Eye. About the only TV I ever watch. Me: No rant? Authorised: Well, I think the world must know how much I despise TV by now. If not, e-mail me on authorised@ntlworld.com and we'll discuss. Me: Okay. Fave movies? Authorised: Aliens. Fight Club. Either of those. Me: Any others? Authorised: Others I like, but nothing in the same class. Cube was good. Very good. Authorised: With guns (well, not really. There were no guns in cube). Me: What political side do you lean to? Authorised: My own side. Me: You know what I mean. Authorised: Some of my views are right wing, some are left. But they usually fall to the extremes. Me: Which are you most in agreement with? Authorised: There is no happy medium. Authorised: I shall say only this: when I'm Prime Minister, there's gonna be some changes round here. Oh yes. They'll pay. They'll all pay . . . ha ha!!!!!!!!! Authorised: With guns. Authorised: No, sorry got carried away there. Authorised: I have socialist leanings, but I know socialism will never work. But I despise capitalism in all its forms. I wish the people in the world would work for a reason other than money. I wish they'd work to make humanity better. Authorised: So I'm not left or right. I'm up I guess. Or maybe down. Me: I find America funny like that. They are a capitalist government and yet claim to be democratic. Those two things go against one another. Authorised: America's bloody hilarious, but for other reasons. Me: Like? Authorised: The Americans, for one ? Authorised: Like this: it's amazing how many UFO's are sighted in America. But just across the border in Canada, there are strangely none. Odd that, eh? Even the Aliens think the Americans are the funniest! Me: I've never seen an aliens. Authorised: I saw one once. I was called “Wendy Smith” and slept in the bedroom next to mine. Me: Really? Cool. What was “she” like? Authorised: Hairy, with a deeper voice than Barry White. Me: I thought so. Authorised: Word spreads quick, eh? Me: Yup. Do you watch or read any sci-fi? Authorised: Read yes, watch no. Me: What have you read? Authorised: Phillip K. Dick, Isaac Asimov and Michael Moorcock have all been favourites at some point. But the best was Frank Herbert's Dune Series. Me: You never watched Babylon 5? Authorised: Once. Bit boring though. Like Star Trek. Me: I like both. Star Trek: Voyager sucked though. Authorised: Never saw it. Me: Feel lucky. Authorised: I don't wanna get sucked into a “Picard would beat the shit out of Kirk and then bum-rape his corpse” discussion. Me: I avoid all that shit. Authorised: Good stuff. Me: Okay. What's England like right now? Authorised: Shit. Me: Oh. How come? Authorised: As it was, is, and ever will be the most xenophobic, bigoted nation on the planet. Me: Really? I would have said the US. Authorised: You've never been here. Alan Moore said it all in his V for Vendetta, really. Me: That's true. I just figured by judging the stuff I've seen from the writers and guys like you that it wasn't so bad. Authorised: Don't believe it. We cope, but we know what's wrong. And there isn't a damned thing we can do about it. Me: Oh. Okay. I wonder how Canada is the way it is living so close to the US and being colonized by the French and Brits then. Authorised: The French are the weirdest nation on earth, and that's a fact. There's no proof, but it's a fact. Me: I know. Authorised: Given the choice, I'd live in Antarctica. Me: Canada is nice. Authorised: I want to go there someday. Maybe I will. Me: Our couch pulls out. Authorised: Cool. Now all I need is the plane fare. Does your wallet “pull out?” You'll have to excuse my sense of humour. Me: It's not bad. Authorised: Just apologizing for the ridiculousness. For all the readers in readerland. Me: They don't mind and if they do, I hit them with a stick. Authorised: And guns? Me: Guns are bad. Authorised: Guns don't kill people; bullets kill people. Me: Any parting words for the readers? Authorised: I agree though. Guns are bad. Me: Anything else? Authorised: Yes, as a matter of fact. I love you all. Please send your donations to me Me: Thank you for being here, man. Authorised: It's OK. The world would be worse off without me. Me: Yes it would. Authorised: I know. Thursday August 2, 2001 I Was There, Where Was She? I went to the mall today to ask out the girl, but she wasn’t there. I think that sucks. Friday August 3, 2001 Bastard Cousin Well my uncle and bastard cousin are in town for their annual visit to family. And per tradition we were stuck with the little shit over night. Because he got my room for the night I would have slept on the couch, but what’s the point in going to sleep at two or three only to be awoken at five when my dad gets up? So I waited until he got up to go to bed. He got up at eight, so that’s when I went to bed. Woke up at three. We went out for supper with the entire family (GAH!). My burger, the cousin’s burger and my sister’s chicken from her chicken Caesar salad were all burnt so we had to wait longer. The waitress was very polite and very sorry for it, so we each got a piece of chocolate cake to take home for free. Saturday August 4, 2001 Comics Pt. 7 Well, this is my final comics section in this column. I got a gig doing a column for another site about comics, so that’s where I’ll discuss comics. It’s at Holier Than Cow and is posted on Tuesdays. Check it out. ****************************************************************************************** So, Chuck Dixon is writing 13 comics in the month of October. Only three are his regular comics, the rest are added bonuses. Every single one is for DC in some manner. The majority of them are for this crossover they’re doing called Joker: The Last Laugh. He will be doing the six issue mini for that, its secret files, his regular three titles, Robin, Nightwing, and Birds Of Prey. He will also be writing JLA and Batgirl. And don’t forget issue one of the Tarzan/Superman mini he’s doing. This is the guy that Joe Quesada insinuated when he said his stupid comments about older creators. Dixon was fired off of Marvel Knights soon after. You know, one of the creators that the fans just don’t respond to anymore. ****************************************************************************************** Anyone else seen ads for this new card game from marvel called Recharge? Am I the only one who thinks that this is crap for those of us who bought Overpower all those years ago? For those of you who don’t know, Overpower was a collectable card game that marvel put out several years ago. It even spawned a couple of DC sets and an Image one too. I have about two DC decks and a shit load of Marvel cards. This Recharge thing is screwing over those of us who gave Marvel our money just a few short years ago. But why does this not surprise me either? ****************************************************************************************** And now a compliment for Marvel: go read their online comics, people. It’s free and it’s an easy way to read those comics you just can’t buy.