Shut Up and Listen 17 Sunday July 8, 2001 Feelin’ Fine I’m in a good mood and I don’t know why. It could be the music (Cake, Weezer and the Dave Matthews Band). Or the fact I got some writing done last night. It could be reading the pure literary joy that is American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I don’t know, it just feels good. After Sol Sketches Got some character sketches this evening from Ray and they are looking good. They’re just early sketches, but the artist has taken exactly what I had in mind from my descriptions. It’s amazing how close some of them are. Either my descriptive abilities are better than I thought or this guy is a fucking genius. Maybe it’s a bit of both. Ray will be giving me some later for posting on the site, so be patient, my pets. Monday July 9, 2001 Sketches Pt. 2 Showed one other person the sketches and I will quote him: “Damn these are cool. I think I almost shed a tear...” I believe that’s approval. Family Shit Alright I’m really starting to hate my fucking family. Now, my mom tells me to cut the grass, okay? Nothing unusual or anything. But she already mowed the back yard and wants me to the front and the side. We live on the corner so we have the whole sidewalk grass as far back as our property goes. Why couldn’t she have just done that part, too? Why the hell did she just stop? I’ve never done that to her. “Mom, I did the back, you do the front.” Shit, that’s dumb. The best part is I don’t care what the grass looks like and she does. No one can see the backyard and she’s really self-conscious about the front, so why doesn’t she do it? It makes no sense! GAH! I won’t even get started on my sister, Brat. Let’s just say she annoys the fuck out of me and some days I wish i had a shotgun. Tuesday July 10, 2001 Interview With . . . Lord Kinbote! I’ve known Lord Kinbote for a couple of months. I met him on the Wildstorm message boards and then in the group he founded, HIDA. Since then he and I have struck up and friendship. Here’s an interview I did with him over ICQ. Tell me a bit about yourself to start with then. My name is Scott Handelman, I'm 18 and am from a fairly rural town in Connecticut. I am a high school graduate, attending Vassar College in the fall. I have a brother and a sister, both younger, both annoying, and I work at a grocery store and am a counsellor at a camp for kids interested in getting into the arts. I am an accomplished singer and pianist, and a less accomplished actor. I am interested in comics, computers, movies, video games, and other normal teenager stuff. When did you start reading comics? I started reading comics at the age of ten, when a local small grocery store started supplying random comics. I got into the Bongo comics line as well as the X-Files comics and reprints of the EC Tales From The Crypt and Vault Of Horror; nothing very mainstream. My interest in comics waned when the closest store to me closed. Afterwards, when I had a car and a job, I went to a store farther away on a whim and discovered The Authority. That caused a new interest, and brought me into the mainstream world. Okay, you mentioned you are an accomplished singer. How so? I've been selected for All-State Choir twice, and am the fifth or sixth best tenor in the state, according to various ratings. I've done plenty of other honours choirs, have starred in musicals, and am planning on minoring in vocal music. Nice. Okay, any cool stories involving a chick in any way? haha Well? Okay. Alright! My history with "chicks" is not a pretty picture. I've been used and abused, as they say. Hey, but at least I'm not a user and abuser. But . . . cool stories about chicks? I don't know. That's okay. So you claim to be a writer, don't you? I claim to be, yes Why? You any good? I can claim anything I want, that's what's nice about the Internet. Haha. I think I’m better than some, not nearly as good as others. Tell us what you've written. I've written everything, from film noir satire to psychological drama. From superhero scripts to unfinished novels about life in the sixties. You name it, I've written about it, or at least thought about writing about it Anything we can see on the net? If so tell us the URLs. http://theshelter.cjb.net It's a page where I archive stories from teen writers. I'm always looking for other talented teen writers Cool. Tell us about the comic you've been flaunting for us members of HIDA. Haha. I'll tell what I can I've always wanted to do a comic book about a look at superheroes from an outsider's perspective, a bit like Busiek has been doing with Astro City. But I also wanted to switch the roles . . . letting the superheroes have a chance to be more human, while letting the normal main character become a hero Any story arcs you've got planned? Yeah. The whole story is about the life of Jake Preston, up and coming reporter, who always finds himself in odd situations. In the first arc Jake gets his first large gig as the interviewer for a new superhero team, The Renegades. However, when a hostage rescue goes terribly wrong, and one of the members is fatally wounded, questions arise as to the other member's involvement in the murder. It is up to Jake to put the pieces together and avenge an innocent hero's death. I've got the next four arcs planned in my head after that, at different levels of humour and drama. Cool. Where could my readers find this comic? And who else is involved in it? (Five page preview Here The comic is currently homeless at the moment. I was unhappy how it's proposed home's owners were treating it. Basically, not at all, haha. I'm working on it with an Australian, Craig Salen, as the penciller, and an Englishman, Karl Smith (Authorised), as the colorist, making this the most international completely English-speaking online comic book out there (that I know of) . . . Anything else worth mentioning about your writing skills? Ummm . . . not really, other than “Look at me! Look at me! Look what I've done! Puh-leeeze?” Haha What's HIDA all about? The HIDA is my response to looking for (and not finding) a group out there for people from all walks of life and with all kinds of different talent levels to receive tips and constructive criticism for anything related to the field of comics creation. The HIDA (aka The Hopelessly Idealistic Dreamers Affiliation) gives information out on anything from proper script format to coloring tips. One can learn how to submit a script or picture to a publisher or even just post their research questions to make their comic believable . . . It's a great group BTW. Now to the tough questions: Boxers or briefs? Boxers . . . definitely. The image of my dad walking around in briefs has haunted me to this day (mostly because he still does it EVERY day, but I digress) Blondes or brunettes? I've never dated a blonde. Brunettes, not to seem overly stereotypical, have always seemed more interesting to me. I’m a redhead myself. Rock or rap? Rock. Coming from a musical background, this one is an easy one to answer. Superman or Batman? Batman. Less natural resources, and therefore the more amazing as a human being. Warren Ellis or Mark Millar? Warren Ellis. His ideas are sick and twisted at times, and revolutionary at others. Whatever he touches is gold. Alan Moore or Warren Ellis? Alan Moore, just for Watchmen, which stands like that dark monolith at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, compared to all other comics, in my mind. The Simpsons or South Park? The Simpsons. South Park was a passing fad, while The Simpsons continues to mature over time, like an aged wine Seinfeld or Friends? Seinfeld. My sense of humour has always been close to Seinfeld's . . . Baseball, football, basketball or hockey? Baseball . . . grew up in a Yankees loving house, and therefore must remain loyal. Heh heh. Winter or summer? Summer . . . coldness and I don't get along. Cake or pie? Pie, especially key lime. Cats or dogs? Dogs . . . once had a cat who hated the world. It died of kidney cancer, which is ironic, since my dad is a kidney doctor. Not that I . . . err . . . wished death on it or anything. God or no god? God . . . but more of a ubiquitous force holding the universe together as opposed to a “bearded man in the clouds.” Hottest chick ever? This dance teacher at the camp I'm working at. My god! (See? I do believe in god, haha) She single? She’s quite a bit older. Heh heh. And probably not. How much older? Like, 10 years. That's not that much. She was in The Babysitter's Club movie . . . one of the main stars, I think. Never to make another movie again. That's gotta be rough. Your hero? I don't have a hero . . . no one that I really look to for inspiration. I rather like to look within. No childhood hero? Not that I can think of. Is that sad? That might be sad . . . It is very sad. If you could meet one person, who would it be? You're supposed to say “Naw, that's not sad at all.” One person? The one person in this crazy world who knows what it all means, who knows where it's all going, and what it's all been leading to. This person would become my hero. Heh heh. Cool. Favourite Authoritarian? (Member of the Authority) The Midnighter. A sick bastard who's not afraid of anything, but has a soft side as well. Clearly different from the hardened vigilantes which have plagued the comics over the years. Is it true that you abuse the campers at the day camp? Only when they step out of line . . . or talk . . . or look at me funny. Or just plain look at me. Don't wanna do that. That's why I talk to you online. What's your opinion on George Bush? He's a moron. He's obviously created a very intelligent network of people to do the actual work for him, which is kinda sad. This isn't what we voted for. Did you vote for him? No . . . I was 17 at election time, and would have voted for Gore. It saddens me more when I realize my grandparents were probably one of those votes that were messed up. If you could do one thing, what would it be? I'd love to get on a TV show. Anyone . . . preferably a well written one Favourite toy? My Playstation . . . does that count? If not, I have this cool little Fox Mulder action figure. Haha. I'm a child at heart. Both count. Nintendo's better. If I gave you a case full of bullets that were untraceable like in 100 Bullets, who would you off? I have and like my Nintendo as well. There are a bunch of racist hicks at my old high school that deserve a few bullets to the head . . . now there gonna turn up dead and I'll be a suspect. Thanks a freakin lot. If you could have one super power it would be? The ability to see the future and make the right decisions as they come. No super power in the world can help you if you're caught off guard. Favourite writer? Literary writer? John Stenbeck blew me away with Of Mice and Men. Guilty pleasure? Stephen King, hands down. Band/musician? I actually don't have a favourite band or musician, though I do like a LOT of alternative. There are plenty of underground bands out there that I like at the time and then move on from. It's best to keep going with the flow than to settle down on one person as your “fave.” Does your lack of favourite bands/musicians, heroes and such convey a sense of wandering? Do you have issues with commitment also? =] Probably . . . never been in a relationship long enough to say. Haha. That was a joke. You can laugh now. Okay: hahahahahahaha! Do you have rhythm? ie. can you dance? (and not slow dance, even I can do that) I have good rhythm, though I feel funny dancing. I can dance well enough not to be laughed out of a club . . . or to be shunned by the dance teacher at the camp I work at. ;) Heh Do you watch porn? Be honest! On a regular basis? No. But I have, and I'm sure I will again. I am 18 after all, and have not used that to my advantage yet. Me neither. =[ Are you funny? Tell us a joke. Okay . . . I saw this pamphlet at the supermarket promising I could “Lose 12 Inches in 30 Days.” I bought it, hoping it could help me with my problem. It worked . . . Unfortunately, in a month, I was five foot one. Badabing! Heh That was kinda funny. Anything better? Uh . . . tough crowd, huh? You tell a joke, smart guy. Yeah. My sense of humour has been ruined by too many funny TV shows. Uh . . . how do we know the CIA wasn't involved with JFK's assassination? He's dead, ain't he? =] We don't . . . although it's entirely possible that Russian mafia is to blame . . . I hear it the Cubans. I go for the Murder on the Orient Express answer . . . everyone shot him. Heh Favourite website? I used to love going to www.hecklers.com but have fallen out of the daily ritual. The only site I visit regularly is the Authority boards. It's a good place. Any last words for my readers? I'll leave you with a patented Scott Handelman quote: “It is just as important to have some method to your madness as it is to have some madness to your method.” Thanks for your time, Scott. Very welcome. Next week . . . someone else. Sports Athletes are way overpaid. Any buddy wanna argue with that? It pisses me off that them, and actors, get paid huge amounts of money for doing shit. Most athletes are playing games that I played as a kid for fun. How the hell are they making money off of children’s games? We’re all stupid, that’s how. We pay the huge ticket prices and watch it on TV and buy the merchandise and suck their cocks. People who complain about athletes’ salaries are often the ones who pay them. I am proud to say I don’t watch much sports. I watch the occasional Leafs game, okay? I remember hearing about a black basketball player who wanted a black coach, too, so he’d have someone he could relate to as his motivator. What, millions of dollars ain’t enough motivation? Fuck you, I’d give my fucking best day in and day out for that kind of money. Hell, I did that in gym just for a good grade. They’re fucking spoiled babies. While I’m talking about coaches I must say unfair they are treated; in basketball especially. If the team wins, they get no credit and if the team loses, they get ALL the blame. That s shit. Years ago when Pat Burns was coaching the Leafs and got fired I saw a sign that said “Bring back Burns, fire the Leafs.” The coach can only do so much. If the star player has got a hangover and threw his back out the night before with a harem of prostitutes, how is that the coach’s fault if the team loses? The coaches have a raw deal if you ask me. I hate the Yankees. The whole baseball league is fucked. Any team with money wins and if you don’t have money, well fuck off. New York can afford to buy the best team, Montreal can afford shit. The league should not be built that way. Football has a much better system. Look at which teams did good the last few seasons; not the same are they? Look at basketball and baseball where the teams can spend as much as they want. The richest team dominates. It’s bullshit. Wednesday July 11, 2001 Ontario Politics Last night I joined the New Democratic Party of Ontario. They’re as left-wing as I’m gonna find and not run into people who smoke up on a regular basis. I am officially involved in politics. Also, I was perusing the Ontario Government and Mike Harris’ websites. I was disgusted and sent this e-mail: Dear Mr. Harris, Why is that I see no mention of the medical services recently cut off from OHIP on this site nor the Ontario Government homepage? Instead all I see is stupid little “news” bits about superficial things like the Olympics. Why am I not being told useful information? Chad Nevett I should get a response in the mail sometime. I’ll tell you all what I’m told. Dogs Lately there have been a string of dog attacks in London and I read about one today that made me sick. Five year-old, Haileigh Lizmore is in the hospital because of a Rottweiler named Cuno. She has torn flesh in the crotch and buttocks areas, a punctured head and back, was ripped open in 39 places and a nearly severed jugular vein. Her mother, Chantelle Lizmore wrestled the 130-pound dog away from her daughter and suffers from severed muscles, ligaments and nerves in her left arm. She may never have use of it again. The dog will be put down after a rabies test is done. A neighbour, Jeff Gibbons was quoted as saying “There was blood all over the house,” after the attack. I’m scared of dogs, okay? I don’t care how big they are or how small. If I see a dog, the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention and I get into a fight/flight situation. I’ve been known to run at tremendous speeds from little less-than-a-foot-tall dogs. I tolerate others owning dogs because they have a right to. No one has the right to own a dog that does that. People say that it’s a matter of the owner properly training the dog. That may true. But why then have I read in the paper the last six months at least ten-twenty dog attack stories. I always see the same types of dogs too. Some dogs aren’t meant to be had. People have been seriously injured, other dogs have been seriously injured. It has to stop. I think people have got to realize that some animals aren’t meant to be pets. Not many folks have a lion as a cat, do they? Why? Because it’s dangerous. Why isn’t the same logic applied to dogs? I can’t say anything beyond my standard reasoning of people are stupid. Wake up and smell the blood, people. Thursday July 12, 2001 Religions I know, you’re think “Again?” This time I went in search of those more out-there religions. The ones you never hear about. I was a bit inspired this week when I got two Transmetropolitan trade paperbacks. One featured an issue where the star, Spider Jerusalem went to a religion conference and causes havoc. Remember, Transmetropolitan takes place in the future, so we’re talking about a future where “a new religion is invested every hour.” It was bloody marvellous and now ranks in my top three single issues of all time. So I want you to go to Warren Ellis’ column on religions, part of his Bad World series called Bad Jesus. It’s pretty funny and saddening at the same time. Now, what did I find, you ask? The Church of Virus. It is an atheistic church that was created just to compete with other religions. I can relate to that, but this is essentially a church for the intellectuals. They combine faith with evolution through the creation of memes. “A meme is a unit of information in a mind whose presence influences events such that more copies of itself get created in other minds. Memes can be seen as the basic building blocks of culture, or as the software of the human mind.” “Everything is system,” they say. Essentially they believe in cause and effect. Everything is measured that way. What does it all mean? “Things mean what they cause.” Why am I here? “The proximal cause lies with your parents. If you are looking for an ultimate cause, you will have to find it yourself but don't let anyone convince you your reason for living is to serve some higher authority.” It’s all very entertaining and not the only internet religion out there. I saw around ten-twenty, this one just caught my eye. Seventh-Day Adventist. This a church of people who were wrong. This church was formed out of the failure that was Millerite. Millerite was a faith that was created by William Miller around 1831 and was based on the fact through scripture studies that he had discovered the date that Jesus would return. He calculated it to be in between 1843 and 1844. Some of his followers narrowed it down to October 22, 1844. Guess what? Jesus didn’t show and the movement fell apart. But the story doesn’t end there. In 1860 a splinter group called the Seventh-Day Adventist started to pop up. On May 21, 1863, the church officially became an organization consisting of 3500 members and 125. It was a faith built upon being wrong. Really the church doesn’t seem to be that different from many other churches. It believes in the Bible, they’re the one true faith, y’know, the same old shit. This time though they were smart enough to say that they don’t know when Jesus will return. In 1930, a man named Victor Houteff, a Seventh-Day Adventist claimed to be god’s new prophet for the church. He was denounced and left, but took some Adventists with him to form the Davidson Seventh-Day Adventists or the Shepard’s Rod. When Victor died in 1955, his wife Florence took over as head of the church. This pissed off a fellow by the name of Ben Roden, who after Florence incorrectly predicted the end of the world, made another splinter group called the Branch Davidson Seventh-Day Adventists. Ever heard of the Branch Davidson? Does the word Waco ring a bell? Yes, this splinter faith of a splinter faith of a reborn faith or a wrong faith was the cause of the whole Waco thing. The leader of the Branch Davidson, David Koresh, whose real name was Vernon Howell, was viewed as a cultist and taken down by the ATF. I’ve read that he thought the attacks were a sign that the world was ending and thought it to be divine. He died in the fire that killed 86 people. Look at the path of that religion, folks. What I’ve just showed you is what religion is. A good quote I found in my searching: “I contend that we are all atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” -- Stephen L. Roberts Friday July 13, 2001 Friday The Thirteenth Boo! My Arch-Enemy Two words: the dentist. I went to see the dentist today. I have a canker-sore near the upper left-hand side of my mouth. Do you think they made any effort to avoid hitting it and making my mouth hurt like hell? No! I have sensitive gums. Did they make any effort not to hit them with the scapula? No! Can they make it a quick trip and just get to the point with stuff? No! I have a small cavity, do they take any measures right now to avoid it growing? No! They just say they’ll keep an eye on it. Meaning, they’ll wait until it hurts like a fucking bitch for a month to do something. I fucking hate the dentist. Saturday July 14, 2001 Chicks And How I Am A Loser Okay, this is one of those moments where i tell you how much of a loser I am, so if you want to go get popcorn, chips, pop, whatever, I’ll wait. Okay, all set? Now I’ve told you a little about the Girl Who I Like But Won’t Say Her Name In Case Someone Who Knows Her Tells Her That I Like Her, right? Well, when I said I didn’t like her that much anymore I was telling the truth. At the time. She works over at the mall by me and I knew I’d be going into her store to get a couple coiled-ring notebooks. If you know me you might know that I think a lot. I’ve spent three or four days thinking about this. I only went in today. I thought about what the conversation would be; what she’d say, what I’d say, the whole thing. I came up with several scenarios. Scenario 1: Chad walks in, sees her behind the register, she doesn’t see him, he goes and gets notebooks, he goes to pay for them at her register. Girl: Hi, Chad. Chad: Hey. Girl: How’s it going? Chad: Good. You? Girl: Pretty good. What have you been up to all summer? Chad: Been writing a lot. Gonna get published in a couple of things. Girl: Really? Chad: Yeah. A few comics. Been working on a screenplay, too. Girl: That’s cool. Chad: Thanks. I don’t know what happens after that. I’d assume we exchange a few more pleasantries, I pay for the notebooks and leave. Scenario 2: Chad walks in, she isn’t there today, Chad get stuff, pays and leaves. Scenario 3 (what really happened): Chad walks in, she’s behind the register and doesn’t see him, he goes and gets the notebooks, goes to pay, heading toward her register when a voice says “I can take you over here.” Chad growns inwards. Male: Hey. Chad: Hi. Girl (sees Chad): Hi, Chad. Chad: Hey, (name of girl). Girl: Having a good summer? Chad: Yeah. Girl: That’s good. Male: That’s $2.30. Chad grabs handful of change out of pocket and gets two loonies, a quarter and a nickel, and hands them to the cashier. Male: That’ll be two bucks extra because you know (name of girl). Girl: What did you say? Male: Never mind. Girl (sees something): Cool, we’ve got Ricky Martin cards? Oh, they’re puzzle pieces. Meanwhile, Chad is shoving notebooks into his bag. Girl: Bye, Chad. Chad: Bye. Chad leaves thinking, and I quote, “You are such an idiot, m’man!” Comics Pt. 4 Guess what? No mocking JMS this week! I know it’s a departure, but nothing new occurred to me. ****************************************************************************************** Okay, let me get this straight: the Joker kills twenty or thirty people, Batman catches him, throws him in Arkham and then the Joker breaks out a month later and kills twenty or thirty more people? This cycle had been going on for a while now hasn’t it? Is it just me or is Batman just as responsible for those deaths as the Joker? It is very stupid to just lock a crazed murderer up who escapes a month later and kills more people. By not snapping the Joker’s neck or throwing him off a building Batman is killing tons of others. He might as well just go around with a gun and start killing innocent people instead. I also hate it when a hero kills a villain who’s about to kill a bunch of others how the police go after the hero. This wouldn’t happen. They’d probably take witness statements, ascertain that the hero saved all their lives and boom, the hero gets a medal. It seems to me the only reason most villains are kept around is because they’re popular, but that is a stupid-ass reason. All I want to see is a few mass murdering villains get offed. Garth Ennis did stuff like this in Preacher and Punisher. He said that he wants to make the reader hate the villain so much that when the hero kills him, the readers are cheering. I would be doing that if Batman killed the Joker. I say fuck history and all that, again, I must demand realism. ****************************************************************************************** Super hero costumes look stupid and we all know it. My friends and I have had discussions about the super hero costume. Why would you dress up like that, really? I think some people would, but then after they see themselves in it, take it off rather quickly. I will quote Grant Morrison on the matter because he sums it up pretty good: “Super-hero costumes only looked the way they did because of Superman, whose outfit was based on the “circus strongman” look of the 1930s. Capes, leotards and tights are all hangovers from that early inspiration -- which made sense back then, but is no longer relevant 70(!) years later.” Many members of the Authority and Planetary have good costumes. Starman had a great costume. They wear regular clothes. Jack Hawksmoor wears a suit. Elijah Snow wears a white suit. Starman looks like some lazy twenty-year old who sits around all day listening to punk music. I think we need to see more of that. ****************************************************************************************** I’ve come to the conclusion that every person in the world should be reading Transmetropolitan. It has some of the best messages in comics and shows us what the world is really like. I’d make my kids read it someday. I don’t care about the swearing, nudity, violence, whatever, shit like that shouldn’t stop kids from learning. If I had my way kids would read Transmetropolitan and watch South Park. Both may be very adult-orientated in presentation but they both also carry very good messages that adults need to learn too. Hell, I think if we learned them as kids, the world would be a better place. Every issue and episode teach us something. Whether it’s to just give a fuck about our neighbour or that parents should just pay attention to what their kids do instead of relying on TV to baby-sit and then complain when they don’t like what’s on. I wish everyone read and watched them.