Shut Up and Listen 14 Sunday June 17, 2001 Depressed Yet Again Was talking to Lunchbox and the bastard got me all depressed again. He was telling me about one of the Weekenders’ being pretty damn near the edge and that got to talking and I’m depressed. Thank you, Lunchbox. Thanks you very much. Monday June 18, 2001 Response To the People I’ve gotten a few comments on the site and this column. The prison I described last week would have one inmate per cell. The background and font will not be changed. I like it. I’ve had it requested by a couple of people. Besides, it’s fun to look around after reading. No, I will not shut up. You do it. Save the environment ( for FALLEN). Sign the guestbook. Thanks Corey/Spider, Wes (misfitX!) and Siclic Cycle 4, as I don’t know who you three are [Friday note: know who misfitX is] and the rest are just my buddies. You guys are people kindly enough to visit my site from a message board, sorry if I don’t recognize the names; I’ll be on the lookout for them from now on. And I know this wasn’t a comment from anyone, but I felt thanks had to be given. This Is For You, Lunchbox Talking to the now famous Lunchbox this morning about the site and he said that he really likes reading about himself--the arrogant bastard! So, this is some of the latest news on your friend and mine: LUNCHBOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, as I mentioned last week, Lunchbox has a girlfriend. Honestly, I’m jealous. Not of the specific girl, but of the pure fact of the matter. What makes him so much better than me? Why does he get a chick, while I’m left here to write this column? Why is it that I’m stuck asking people on message boards questions about whether girls can like me or not? (BTW, thanks, folks.) I don’t know. He’s going out with The Lunch Lady, the girl I mentioned a while back as the girl that Lunchbox wanted to see a conversation happen between the two of us. For the hell of it, and for Lunchbox’s amusement, I will now tell the long, sordid tale that led up to this. Please forgive me if it isn’t all that long or interesting, it’s his life. Month or two back, Lunchbox saunters into the cafetorium and sighs. He had a bad weekend, doesn’t want to talk about it. That means he does, but we have to coax him a bit. He then goes into a tale about the Weekenders and the Hug Slut. Lunchbox likes the Hug Slut, but it seems the Hug Slut only shows interest in Lunchbox while drunk. During this particular festivity with the Weekenders, the Hug Slut and Shirtless Andy (as I saw him in a picture) disappeared for about half-an-hour. Shirtless Andy just got his wisdom teeth out and couldn’t drink, the Hug Slut was loaded. Shirtless Andy was taking a bath and lied about the whereabouts of the Hug Slut. Lunchbox was left wondering if Shirtless Andy took advantage of a very drunk Hug Slut. He also wondered if the Hug Slut liked him, because after emerging from the bathroom, cuddled with the Hug Slut for over an hour (isn’t Lunchbox taking advantage of the Hug Slut in a way here?). That week was spent in numerous discussions over what Lunchbox knows and if he’s gonna have to whoop ass on Shirtless Andy. The Hug Slut claims she couldn’t remember a thing from that night, so Lunchbox’s only source of info would be Shirtless Andy, a man he can no longer trust. I agreed, if Shirtless Andy did the nasty or anything similar with the Hug Slut. That shit is wrong, boys, you do it and you deserve to have your balls cut off. Then a few weeks pass with incidents of parties where Lunchbox and the Hug Slut cuddled (aawwwwww!!!!!!!) numerous times. He dismissed the Shirtless Andy incident, but kept his eye on the boy. Then for a while not much happened. Well, nothing worthy of a mention. Last Thursday comes and we’re outside in the morning at the pic-nic tables because it’s a beautiful day and such. He lays the bomb: the Hug Slut and Shirtless Andy had been going out for two weeks. My jaw drops. Then he lays another goddamn nuke: The Lunch Lady likes him. I said, “Gwah?” He agrees that that came out of nowhere. Not much explaining needed after. The day was spent with a bit of questioning on what his opinion of the situation was. He wasn’t shook up that much about Shirtless Andy and the Hug Slut, which I didn’t give a rat’s ass about. I wanted to know about The Lunch Lady. He says that that is good news. He’s gonna go for it. And my stomach clenches. I wish my buddy well and all, but I’ve always like to think I was cooler, smarter and better looking than my friends. This could shatter two of those views (I’m still smarter than the bastard!). It sounds selfish and egotistical, but honestly, that’s me. I would like to think I’m above shit like that, but I’m not. Probably why I like to write. So, now he’s got a girlfriend and I’m sitting here telling you all about it. But that’s not the end of the story, folks! There’s more! Lunchbox can’t see her until the end of June. Why, you ask? Let’s see, firstly he got grounded a month ago for like a week for not coming home when told to. He phoned home from one of the Weekenders’ house and his dad said come home right then. That was about noon. At 3:30 he arrived home. He also got grounded off the car until school ends. Two weeks later, while his parents are in Toronto, he takes the car out to go pick up one of the Weekenders. It was rainy that night and while trying to make a turn, he sort of skidded and smashed into a pole. He was grounded for a month, had to pay the damages, would never use the car again and would lose six demerit points from his license. His grounding doesn’t end until the end of June. Enter Chad, the man with the plan. I came to the conclusion that we needed a wacky TV plan. So, I came up with the plan of me sneaking into his house after his parents were asleep and then hiding out in his room until he arrived home at five in the morning or so, before his parents awoken. He’d pay me a bunch of comics to do it. Sound like a plan? He thinks it’s a good plan. I told him to “sod off.” (Love British slang.) I’m fucking joking, Lunchbox. There’s no way I’m doing that. I’m not Corey Matthews, you ain’t Shaun, and this more certainly isn’t Boy Meets World. Wait the two weeks. Tuesday June 19, 2001 Here You Go, Tubby Bitch It seems all of my friends want a piece about them in my column, well, sorry Tubby Bitch. I’m not in the mood to write a long piece on you; not much to write. I’ll just give people a link to your first two chapters that you’ve posted on Wizard World. Go there people. Tubby Bitch’s Story Wait Until Saturday See it’s Saturday (or later) already. Was the wait really that hard? Go Check Out The Art I’ve posted three pics on my site that I drew. “You called down the thunder, well now you’ve got it.” Wednesday June 20, 2001 School’s Out Yeah, I’m free except for my religion exam tomorrow and my calculus exam on Friday. GAH! “Oh, Yes, Discipline Me!” You heard about the naval officer who may have ended his career for surfing the net for soft-core porn. Sure, it was on a military computer, but it was off-duty and on his own private internet account. You know, he never would have been caught if he didn’t turn himself in? Yeah, apparently a lower ranked officer is being investigated for misuse of military computers and he couldn’t take the guilt of one guy getting in trouble for the same thing he did. After reading about that I realized I like this guy and I find his career possibly being over stupid as all shit. Firstly, which one of us isn’t guilty of the same crime? Huh? Porn makes billions of dollars a year, meaning that’s a lot of people watching, reading, looking, whatever at it. Hell, half of you where just at some site, weren’t you? Secondly, who gives a fuck? It was off-duty and on his own account. I’m sure if he could have access to a non-military computer, he would have used that. Thirdly, I say go easier on him at least, he confessed for a “crime” he wouldn’t have gotten caught for because he was fucking guilty. It was a dumbass thing and he was morally torn up about it. We need more people with his conscience in this world. Crush Did you know that I don’t have a crush really on anyone right now? There isn’t really a girl that I like for the first time in, shit, twelve years. That’s right, twelve fucking years of liking girls. I was an “early bloomer.” I’ve had crushes on girls since grade one. I can go through grade-by-grade and tell you who I liked. I won’t, but I could. Some it was a short little nothing and some it was years. It’s weird now. It’s like there’s something missing inside of me right now; and yet, it’s very cool. No sweaty palms. No twisted stomach. No awkward and quick glances. No restraining orders. Sure, there are a few chicks that I kind of dig, but nothing remotely serious. Now, you may be asking why I haven’t pursued any of these girls. I have, and I’ve been burned. I won’t say any more, mainly because most of you have heard the stories already. I just thought it kind of cool and thought I’d share it with the rest of the class. Got any chicks that you dig? Let me know and I’ll tell everyone here next week! E-mail me and I’ll use your exact e-mail! Do it! Thursday June 21, 2001 Boring! Got home from my exam, which was at eleven. Had to wait three hours for it to begin and then another two-and-a-half for the bus. Dammit, I was bored. The exam itself was easy. No problem whatsoever. After, I went to the library and went on the computer for about ten minutes before being bored out of my mind. Went downstairs and met up with Sailor Moon. She was waiting for her boyfriend to come and pick her up so they could go shopping. Half an hour later he showed up. We had a nice talk. Then I only had to wait an hour or two. Went to Warren Ellis’ website and got caught up on some of his old “From The Desk Of . . .” columns that I haven’t read. The Disgusting Stage Here’s a quote from a chat between me and Lunchbox: Lunchbox: Man, I'm gonna have to find some way to convince my parents to let me do stuff with The Lunch Lady, even on days that I see her I miss her. :( Me: awwww . . . Give about three weeks and that'll go away. You're at that stage that I and the rest of the world call “disgusting.” Must be great.=] Seriously, am I the only one who can picture the two of them saying words like schmoopie and honey bunny? You know, disgusting shit like that. I’ve actually made him promise that if I ever say shit like that that he’ll kill me. Friday June 22, 2001 Happy Birthday! Let’s all wish Little Man Rump a happy eighteenth birthday! He had to write a calculus exam today, which sucks. I had to write a physics one on my birthday in January, too. and an english one a couple of years ago. So, now Little Man Rump joins the ranks of those of us who can buy porn, lottery tickets and fireworks. Here’s to you! Ranting I’ve decided to some. Please forgive me if there is little or no structure or coherent thoughts. Or if you’ve heard them before. ***************************************************************************************** Did you know a 10 year old kid in Jersey got convicted of being a sex offender for rubbing up against an 8 year old girl? Is that not fucking dumb? The kid is ten, he can’t be a sex offender; he probably doesn’t even know what the hell a sex offender is. Kids are stupid about stuff like this. If your kid does something that isn’t socially acceptable, you take the kid aside and tell him/her to smarten the fuck up and quit doing that shit, you don’t press charges. Kids do stupid shit like that. They’re curious and will explore different things. It’s the parents’ job to teach them what they can and can’t do. Now that little boy is going to be labelled a sex offender for life for shit that almost every kid does. Welcome to the age of zero tolerance, zero thought. ****************************************************************************************** Did you choose what you believe in? Did you make a conscious choice to believe in what you do? I did. Some of my friends have, but did you? Or were you taught something and just never questioned it? Mommy, Daddy, Grandpa, Grandma and teacher all said there’s a god and you believed them, right? Most people don’t choose to believe, they’re essentially brainwashed. Churches are just cults with a larger fan base and more money. You know, when I decided that an upper-reality being watching over us makes no sense, I still believed in it. It’s only been recently that I’ve really started to get rid of that. Mentally I knew it, but spiritually and emotionally it was ingrained so deeply that it’s taken a year or two to get rid of it. In the Catholic mass there’s a part where everyone says “It is right to give him thanks and praise.” Tell me that isn’t a cult. Go ahead. ****************************************************************************************** I’m pissed off because this summer my city, London, Ontario, Canada, will be the host of the Canadian Summer Games. These things are dumb and don’t help the city that they’re in. City Council wants to put a welcome sign made out of rock near the airport that will cost a quarter million dollars. Streets are going to be blocked off for stupid races, and we all know this will prevent me from getting my comics. And remember, that’s on top of all the regular summer construction that seems to be everywhere because no one plans ahead. Besides, I find the whole Olympics and other games like that offensive and discriminatory against those of us who are not physically fit. Oh, just because I can’t run a fucking marathon, I can’t get a medal? That is discrimination! I say that they make a new Olympic event called “Video Olympics.” Competitors play a video game against one another. the game would of course have Olympic events on it. Hey, they made ballroom dancing a sport, video games are, too. They require concentration, thought, hand/eye coordination. It’s only fair, boys and girls. ****************************************************************************************** Did you know Stockwell Day is still in politics? Fucked up world. ****************************************************************************************** What I’ve decided is that every video game company in the world needs me. When someone tells me about a game I always ask can it do this, can it do that and I always get a negative response. They need guys like me to point out cool options they should put in. And, yes, I know, if they did that games would be in development forever, but some things should be done. In Zelda you should be able to kill townspeople. That would be a whole hell of fun. Also, many of you know about my dream game, but for those who don’t: a Star Trek game that is totally interactive and works with a headset. You can be on any of the five main ships (The Original, Next Gen, DS9, Voyager (GAH!) or New Frontier). Can’t you just picture it. Worf: Captain, we are receiving a distress call from Vulcan. They are under attack. You: Okay, bomb them. Worf: The attackers? You: Yeah, and the planet. Worf: But, sir-- You: Quantum torpedoes. Worf: But-- You: Quantum torpedoes, Mister Worf. Kill them all. And if we get any more distress calls: quantum torpedoes. Worf: Yes, sir. You: Now let’s get drunk and play pin-pong! Say, Counsellor Troi, what are you doin’ later? It would be a riot. You could do what you want. You wanna bag Seven of Nine, you do it. You wanna just kill those Romulans, you do it. Sure, there are consequences, but no game overs. Hell, you could have it as you against the rest of the goddamn Federation. You know you wanna. Saturday June 23, 2001 Comics Now I realize that some of you who read this also read comics, so I thought I’d talk about them a bit if you don’t mind. My likes, dislikes, thoughts, whatever. ****************************************************************************************** Marvel is doing some good stuff right now. They’re getting top-grade writers and artists. They’re doing new and innovative things; like dropping the damn code and publishing a “mature readers” line. They cancelled X-Man, which was dumb. Okay, so they’ve done something dumb, but that’s been about it. They’ve got Ennis, Morrison and Millar all writing a bunch of books for them, which may be the smartest move they’ve made yet. Not convincing Warren Ellis to join up is another dumb move, but I think they’d have had to offer to just publish the books he’s doing at Image without any editorial interference to get him. ****************************************************************************************** The new Authority was good. Tom Peyer followed his predecessors’ style perfectly and should be commended. It seems that right now the publisher that’s coming out with the most “must read” books is Wildstorm. This is pretty surprising considering their roots in Image. They’ve got The Authority, Planetary, The Monarchy, Gen13, Wildcats, the upcoming The Establishment. All excellent reads; even Gen13. They’ve got great writers and may be the best publisher out there right now. ***************************************************************************************** Still haven’t picked up anything by CrossGen. They seem too early Image for me. They’re doing other genres super hero style and that won’t work. You can tell they’re doing super hero comics under the guise of non-super hero comics. The style of them is the same as almost every comic I’ve ever read. They’ll pass. They seem finite. ****************************************************************************************** The latest issue of Rising Stars had the word “shit” in it. Good. ****************************************************************************************** It is my belief that Wizard is trying to eliminate all competition for Marvel, CrossGen and Black Bull. Look through an issue and notice what they hype up the most. Sure, they promote a bit of DC that’s really popular or involves Kevin Smith or Alex Ross or Vertigo. Oh, and for future reference: Kevin Smith and Alex Ross are good, but they are no where near the best. I find Ross’ art stale and it hasn’t improved at all since Kingdom Come. He needs to just stop doing comics for a while and just work on improving his craft. I like Smith’s movies and his comics attached to those movies, but his super heroes are stuff that I could care less about. His name sells the books and people seem too star-struck to actually give an honest review I think. I’ve read an issue or two of Daredevil and passed. It wasn’t all that good. ****************************************************************************************** Rising Stars is a good comic, but it’s not great. I really liked it at first, but then it got boring. The majority of the second act except for the first and last issues of it were crap. The recent issue was good, but it seemed to be a rip-off of every other super hero comic where the hero takes it upon himself to rid the world of nuclear weapons. On a side note, wasn’t that impressed with JMS’ Spidey either. He seems to be reliving themes he explored quite well on Babylon 5. “Who are you?” For those who’ve read issue 30, you’d know that that weird guy Ezekiel said that, right? Watch B5 and see how that question is asked to the hero by another really old guy who knows the Big Picture. He’s just repeating himself.