Problematic Verisimilitude 18

Before I start today's column, I'd like to get a few words out of the way.

Pansy. Corn-holer. Butt-fucker. Homo. Limp-wrist. Butt-Pirate. Fag. Queer.

Now with those idiotic words out of the way, let's get a few things down on paper, shall we?

There are a lot of people making a lot of noise about Gay Marriage. Some people say that a man shouldn't be able to marry a man, and a woman shouldn't be able to marry a woman. There are others that say that a woman should be able to marry a woman, and a man should be able to marry a man. These two sides are currently trying to cement their side through the law.

It's hard to imagine why the hell there would be anyone fighting for anyone's right to get married to another human of legal age and status. I mean, nobody should be able to marry a 13-year old, nobody should be able to marry their pet beagle, and nobody should be able to marry a cup of coffee. (Though I do remember a performance artist marrying one of her personality facets, but that's besides the point).

Just why would someone not want to let other groups of people get married? Well, we have to get into the mind of the narrow-minded to do that. Believe me; I've been trying for the past few days. Like the narrow-minded, I cannot put myself into the mind of those I cannot understand. It just so happens that I can't understand them because they think in the same respect that a gerbil runs on its wheel. There seems to be some kind of momentum, but no progress.

So in lack of familiarity with them, I will use the very loud comments that they have already put into the collective media pool:

"Gay marriages would cheapen the sanctity of marriage."

First off, I'd like to see these bastards try to spell sanctity without a dictionary. It took me three tries.

Second off, how the hell does it cheapen other marriages? Do gay people impose upon you the desire to cheat on your spouse? Do they mail you pamphlets telling you that Divorce is the trend nowadays? Of course they don't. They don't do a damned thing to cheapen marriage.

In fact, I think that if gays could marry, it would actually strengthen marriage. Think about it: A lot of gay people get a ton of shit just for being themselves day in and day out. Just think about the crap they get when they are more then friends. Now think about what gets burned on their doorstep if they get married. These folks are fashioned to be survivors by a homophobic society. If anyone can stay together, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do them part, it's a gay couple. (This isn't foolproof, as celebrity marriages and couples point out, but for that point, I'm sure I can find ten celebrity straight marriages that didn't last a week).

While I'm on the topic of straight marriages, just how many of those actually stay together, hmmm? The last statistic I checked said that fifty percent of straight marriages end in divorce. If I weren't so damned lazy, I would look up the statistics of marriages that involved abuse. If I were truly inclined, I'd find some kind of statistic that suggested how many married straight couples were faithful to one another. Hell, I could probably find out how many were actually shot gun marriages, if I had to.

My point is, the sanctity of marriage is cheaper then Courtney Love after a hit cut with Clorox bleach. So they shouldn't be using that as an argument.

So what's the real argument against gay marriage then? Let's avoid the legalese of states defying the nation and that crap. Let's get to the marrow of the argument. There are people in power who don't like homosexuals. Why don't the like them? What did homosexuals ever do to them? Last time I checked, it was called `gay-bashing'. I haven't heard one thing about gay guys getting together and beating straight guys to death.

So what the hell is the problem then? I've tried getting into the mindset, and all it's given me is the desire to defecate as soon as possible and masturbate to pictures of Ann Coulter (but tell nobody, as masturbation is a sin).

I assume that it has a lot to do with that sacred fire kindling, the Bible. Apparently, somewhere in there, it says that man should not lay down with man as he does with women. Okay. That's nice to know. How many Christians complain about other denominations `forcing' their beliefs upon them? Shouldn't this negate the argument? Nobody is forcing genders to intermarry, after all. So the Bible thing shouldn't be a valid reason, but then again, the Bible is always the source of the socially maladjusted.

The next motivation would probably be personal fear, homophobia. A lot of the people against gay marriage are more then likely people who are just incredibly uncomfortable with gay people in the first place. Okay, that's your thing; you don't have to go around forcing it on the rest of the world. I'm okay with gay people. It's like straight people. Do whatever you want, as long as you don't hurt anyone. If anyone says gay people getting married hurts them spiritually, then I will physically hurt them with a tire iron.

Get your `spirits' in line. If people you barely know can affect your soul so strongly, then maybe your soul is a bit dilapidated itself.

While we're on the topic of homophobia . . . how many of these anti-gay marriage people put their protest signs in the closet at night, so to speak?

So it's boiling down to one simple thing: Fear. The first thing to overcome in any step forward. That's a good way to look at it. Not too long ago, America was using the Bible as a reason for why we should stay segregated. That ended pretty fast. Now we're into one of the last bastions of the uptight under-evolved.

I do hope this means we're making progress.