Cataract Resin 57

As you all may or may not know, I have been unemployed for nearly two months. Yes, although I have a grand plan, and know exactly what I want to do with my life, I still haven't got a job. Why? I mean, I've got a degree, remember? surely I should be able to "walk into any job I like"? I mean, that's what everyone told me.

Well, the truth lies in that very sentence. Sure, I can walk into any job I like (perhaps). But how many jobs do I like? most of the jobs I have worked in during my life have been utterly useless. Let's see . . . Multimedia designer. Making CD-ROM presentations for fat men in suits, helping to make them and their despicable friends richer. Web designer. Making web-pages for companies without a fucking clue, so that they can sell even more useless fucking items to ignorant masses who think said goods will improve their pathetic lives. Video Games tester. Making sure that the latest batch of no-effort cloned games and sequels have no bugs in, or at least little enough bugs to allow them to pass Sony and Microsoft submission guidelines.

Yes, all of the jobs I've "walked into" so far have been absolutely fucking useless. They do not help the lot of mankind one iota. But see, I've discovered something since the naïveté of my youth was dissolved. The jobs that are actually useful and necessary are always the lowest paid. Firemen take home less money than fucking taxi drivers. Nothing about this makes sense.

Long term readers will know that I have nothing but contempt for the vast majority of our disgusting species. Now more than ever, I hate the way the world works. And so, even though it's only going to be a temporary solution until I have the capital to start up my shop (see previous column which I can't remember the number of . . . Chad help me out here) [Editor's note: I'm the only one who keeps track of what number each column is on, but I'm lazy, so I'll take a guess that you go back a column or two], I have decided that my next job will not be a fucking useless waste of my life.

To this end I have applied for a job with the local council. The job role is imaginatively titled "Cemetery Operative". It's not a new type of job. There's been "cemetery operatives" working in the world for thousands of years. I've applied for a job as a Gravedigger.

If I get the job, I'll be responsible for allocating cemetery plots in four of the cemeteries in my home town, liasing with cemetery foremen and stonemasons, and digging six foot holes in the ground. Lots of outdoor labour amongst other things, which sure beats lazing my ass off in a fucking office 8 hours a day. I'll be providing a public service. As long as people see the need to bury their dead, there'll be a requirement for gravediggers.

Only one thing really concerns me. The job is 37 hours a week. That's a full time job. I'm pretty sure the digging and planning do not take that much time unless there's an awful lot of people dying. Which leads my overactive imagination to draw two conclusions:

Either there is a huge backlog of dead who need to be buried, possibly stretching back as much as 200 years, or the local council is randomly (or perhaps methodically) assassinating local inhabitants to ensure their own continued necessity . . .