Smoking is fucking dumb. It stinks, it makes you stink, reduces your sense of smell and taste, costs a fortune, and eventually kills you.In fact, the only good thing about smoking is that it increases your metabolic rate, but that only happens because your body's screaming "Fucking stop it, you moron, else I quit!"

No, I don't like smoking. The majority of people who do smoke so not smoke because they enjoy it (though plenty will claim they do). They smoke because when they were 14 years old on the bus to school, it was cool to smoke, and now they are so fucking weak that they can't just say "OK, that's enough, no more cigarettes"

Now, before I hear the bullshit rhetoric about how "it's difficult to stop", and "how would you know anyway", let me tell you. I used to be a fucking moron. I used to smoke. I thought it was cool, holding a stick of shit between two fingers, and acting all grown up. I liked the way I got a head rush when I inhaled the smoke (although at the time I didn't realise that this rush came from oxygen starvation). I thought it was cool. One day, I decided that it wasn't cool at all. I decided it was fucking stupid. My sister was (and still is) a heavy smoker. Every morning she wakes up and coughs her fucking guts up into the sink. Her voice is deeper than mine, and she can't taste anything. I stopped and took stock of the situation, and decided that no way in fucking hell was I going to end up like that.

And what was my fantastic method for stopping smoking? Nicotine patches? Hypno-therapy? ECT? No. it was exactly the same method I used when I quit drinking, when I quit drugs, when I quit trying to fuck everything in a skirt, when I quit meat. I just stopped doing it. I've never been able to grasp how unbelievably weak-willed all these people are. There is no physical addiction present from nicotine. All of it is in your head.

You want to stop smoking? Easy. just don't buy any fucking fags. See the problem is, people say "Oh, I need to quit" when in fact they mean "I'm mentioning quitting to make myself think I'm better than I actually am, but in fact I am a fucking spineless wreth who can't possibly handle any change in my life, even change that will stop me from dying in a fucking stupid way." One person said to me once "It's not that I don't have the willpower, I just don't want to stop." Which to me would have been easier put thus: "I'm a fucking moron."

See, smoking wouldn't bother me half as much if it just killed the fucking idiots who smoke - we could do without them anyway. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. What the selfish smokers don't realise is that they're not just killing themselves. They're killing their family too. They're killing their friends. Look at Roy Castle - Jazz musician in smoky clubs. Died of throat cancer and never smoked a cigarette in his life. But tell that to any smoker. I guarantee they will not give a shit. Because anyone who refuses to quit smoking (and there is no "can't" here, only "won't") is a selfish person. They can't quit trying to look cool for the sake of family and friends.

Recent legislation here in the UK has ruled that tobacco manufacturers are no longer able to advertise in magazines, television or billboards. Not only that, but all cigarette packets have huge warnings on them. Not the sad pathetic excuses for warnings that werer present before ("Note from health secretary: may cause cancer"), oh no, these are fucking incredible messages stamped across 50% of the packet:

First of all, the most straightforward - "SMOKING KILLS" - very true, possibly worrying, b ut nobody will take notice.
Next up we have - "Smoking clogs the arteries and causes heart attacks and strokes" - more people may take notice of this.
Then there's this - "Smoking seriously harms you and others around you" - If the smokers had an ounce of compassion, they'd listen to this one, but you can fucking bet they don't give a shit.
Next up is my personal favourite - "Smoking leads to a slow and painful death" - heh. scaremongering? no, merely the truth

Unfortunately, the only one I've founbd so far that many people will take notice of is this: "Smoking may reduce blood flow and causes impotence" - I'm pretty sure that a great deal of men will think that their cocks are more important than their image (fuck's sake, to most men, their cocks ARE their image) and kick the habit. Sadly, the majority of smokers are women (in this country anyway), so we need one that reads: "Smoking makes you more ugly than a 79 year old bangkok prostitute" - If the women think their precious looks are on the line, they'll stop in droves - after all, most of them start because they think it makes them sexy.

The message today is simple - If you smoke, fucking stop it. I couln't give a shit about your health, but you're endangering the lives of everyone around you and that's just barbaric. There are other ways to look "cool" if you have to. Learn to breakdance, start juggling, take up extreme sports, something that will make you healthier rather than killing you and your family and friends.

I'm sure anyone who does smoke who is reading this now will think I'm a fucking moron. Well, that's your choice. Just remember that this moron will be enjoying life while you lie choking to death on our own blood, grieving the loss of your loved ones.

And yes, I mean to be fucking harsh. I can't stand cigarettes, I can't stand tobacco companies, and I can't stand the fucking morons who smoke.