I received a gas bill a few days ago. A gas bill for around a hundred pounds. Billed not to me, but to a Mr. Dixon Twist. And I laughed out loud.

A few months prior to this, I had the misfortune to be stopped in the street by some arsehole with a clipboard. 

"Do you want to save money on your gas bills?"
"No, I want you to go away."
"Ah, but I'm on commission based pay, so I will harry you relentlessly until you give me your name and address."
"Fuck's sake. Anything to shut you up."

And so he goes on to tell me how I can save money by switching to his company, and I'm still not interested, and he says that nothing will happen unless I phone this number etc. etc. So I think, OK, I'll sign this thing, and then throw it in the sodding bin. And so I do. But I decide to make a game of it.

"What's your name?"
"Dixon."
"What's your first name?"
"No, my first name's Dixon."
"OK... What's your last name?"
"Twist."

It's at this point that I have to sign something. So I make up a signature. Then I have to sign something else... damn! So I make up a signature, and miraculously, the two signatures are remarkably similar. So he leaves me in peace, and I forget all about it.

A couple of weeks later, I have the electricity company phone me up and say :

"OK, you're closing your account and switching over to this other company then?"
"Err... no... what the fuck are you on about? Oh...Oh shit. Damn you Mr. Clipboard."

And so I tell the electricity company not to believe anything anyone tells them and that, yes, I would like to stay with them, thankyou very much. OK, so that's all sorted. So I forget about Captain Clipboard and Dixon Twist. But the Gas Man never rang...

And so I realise what's happened. The corrupting influence of the clipboard men was staved off by the electricity company, but NOT the gas company. And so I've got this big gas bill (Which, incidentally, is far higher than the guy with the clipboard was on about, and also far higher than previous bills). And this made me angry. So I phone my original gas company to tell them. The girl on the other end thought it was damned funny, but regrettably, there was nothing she could do except transfer me back to my original gas company.

After my ordeal, it came to my attention that clipboard people in the streets are a menace that should be thwarted by any means necessary. Imagine this. An old woman, say 75-80 years old, is walking to her bus stop, and gets caught by one of the malicious clipboard holders. She doesn't know what they're selling, but this guy is so damned pushy that she's scared NOT to sign. So she signs, and goes home. Except when she gets there, she finds out that her home is now owned by Cocksuckers, inc. and there isn't a damned thing she can do about it.

These clipboard predators exist in every city in England, and I'm sure there's plenty in Canada, Ireland, America and Australia too. And so, this is what you must do. If you see one approaching you, take steps to avoid them. If this proves futile, you have no choice but to engage. They'll ask if you want to save money. Say "no." They'll say "Are you crazy?" Say "yes." Be warned, some are VERY determined (not to sell their product, but to get their commission). If they get pushy and try and get you to sign anything, look them square in the eyes. Try and open your eyes wider than normal, and do not blink (If you have some terrifying lizard-eye contact lenses, so much the better). Move closer, so that you are violating their personal space. Now say in a quiet, but threatening voice: "Walk away. You do not know who you are dealing with, but believe me, you only get one chance. This is it." That should scare them enough to leave you alone.

If even that doesn't work, try this. Get down on your hands and knees and start to hum. start off quietly, and get louder. When you can't get any louder, start to screech, wail and scream uncontrollably, shaking limbs around. Make as much of a scene as you possibly can, and then suddenly stand up straight and go silent. Now move right up to the clipboard commando and screech into his face "NO MORE CHANCES! TONIGHT YOU DIE!!!!!!!" and run off laughing evilly.

Note however that this last technique may get you arrested, so I don't know how safe it is to try outside of England. If there's a risk of CS or pepper spray, try to make sure the clipboard guy gets it as well.

With the training presented here, there is no reason why you should ever be put in the situation that I was in. However, not everybody reads Cataract Resin. Not everybody knows the correct procedure. And so you must make it your mission to save people from clipboard tyranny. Using the methods described above, prevent hapless pedestrians from being enslaved by the clipboarders. Pull no punches; hit hard, and do not think twice. It is your duty. (On the other hand, you could get more people to read this column).

God I hate those clipboard people.